One Hip Izzi

Four weeks ago on Wednesday, at age 50 and 70 days (forgive me for the 70 days but I’m just getting used to this age 50 thing) I’d love to say so far so good but really a month ago today I had a full left hip replacement, not a partial but the whole shebang. Titanium rod implant, marble and titanium ball and plastic cartilage replacement. Not to mention whatever they did to the socket to hold all that shit in place.  Whoa! sounds a lot just writing it.  

Now I know you're all thinking “Wow! 50 is awfully young to have a hip replacement” and you'd be right it is. Most, but not all, hip replacements are done around the late 60s and 70s since they don't last forever and believe me when I tell you you don't want to do that more than once (unfortunately I might have to) they last anywhere between 10 and 20 years depending on how well you treat your new hip. And I intend to treat mine as well as any active fun loving 50 year old would treat their own hip. So I’m thinking 10 to 15 years and I’ll need a new one.  Although last night I did realize I will never be able to get on a mechanical bull! How sad is that? I knew I should have  got that off my bucket list before surgery but when I told my BFF she just laughed and said oh don’t worry we can just ask him to go slow.  Love her but where’s the fun in going slow? I’m sure there’s a whole host of things I’ll not be able to do. My surgeon told me I can’t run any more but when he told me that I just laughed and laughed. Me? Run? That’s never happened before and never will, but now I have a good excuse.

Anyway happy to report the surgery, as most of you know, went brilliantly and I was up and walking within 6 hours with no pain whatsoever but I know that was because of the massive amount of drugs that I had. But hey no complaints here!  I was back home two days later to let the recovery commence.  

Recovery will take a long time and if you know me, the one thing I’m not is patient, I want every thing done yesterday. So to say I’m having a tough time with this is an understatement. The first two weeks were fine. I could see and feel improvements every day because there were big changes. In 10 days I went from using a walker to only using a cane. Day 14 I got my staples removed which allowed me to sleep better, now I can sleep on my side again instead of only on my back. It does not sound like much but when the heels of your feet hurt because you can’t move in bed this is an awesome improvement. The last two week have been much more challenging since the improvements are slower and rehab is just walk, walk, walk.  I have gone back to the gym but only to do upper body and get on the bike with no resistance. I did manage that for 15 minutes on monday of this week (week 4). On Tuesday I made in into the pool with a lot of help from Smug Git. Who’d have thought getting into the pool would be hard but it was and it hurt a lot as did just walking back and forth. I had assumed that would be easy but no, it was tough. So, me being me, that’s what I’m going to do from now on. When I go to the gym I’m going to workout with my lovely trainer Sherif and then go to the pool.  

Ok. On the funny side, since that last bit was a tad serious there’s a chair lift into the pool at the gym that I’m going to use. So watch this space and I’ll let you know how that goes because we all know how judged we are at the gym so it may be interesting to see how a fat disabled person is judged and talking about disabled how awesome it it to get special up close parking permit! Oh this little chestnut never gets old!  

And it’s lets have a moan time…. Part of my recovery is knowing I can’t go on holiday this summer nor can I drive the car till I’m off all pain killers and I’m in no hurry to stop taking them you know the saying every cloud :) well since I’m stuck at home looking at the same four walls and of course Facebook (Bloody hate FB honestly). What is it with people who go on holiday or vacation however you say it and post hour by hour pictures, sometimes minute by fucking minute! Starting with check in at the airport lounge with <insert whatever your beverage of choice>. Then “Ooh! Look at our hotel room!”, “View of beach/pool/bar”, then we have to have the food pictures - Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner. Oh so help me god! And I’m not even religious put your phone and Facebook down and enjoy your bloody holiday. Unless of course part of your holiday is pissing me and everyone else who can’t afford or for what ever reason can’t go on holiday then carry on. Ok… rant over.  

Back to me.

As you can see I’m having a hard time this week. Can't really talk to Smug without crying. I think having a hip replacement in your 60s or 70s may be easier maybe by then you've learned how to be patient and take it a step at a time. For me - not so easy but I’ll try.

  

If you have any tips or comments for me that you think might help feel free to give them to me but I’m very delicate at the moment so be kind.

Thanks for listen to me moan. The next time I’ll be more positive… I hope!….Iz x

Little Old Wine Drinker Me!

If you remember my last blog it was the first day of the summer holidays and I was all gung ho about not putting 10 pounds on and going to the gym if not every day most days of the week. Well it’s the end of the third week and I've managed to go to the gym 3 times and I've drank every night bar 3. And no they were not the nights I went to the gym.  I am not having an easy time with this! Then to top it all I hear that James Gandolfini died and he was only 51. That’s only 2 years older than me! Bloody hell! I start watching a news report about him and it was saying he was a bit of a partier. He liked his drugs and alcohol and I start thinking “wow, that’s a bit like me!” well, minus the drugs. I’m more donuts and alcohol but to be honest there’s not much of a difference, drugs are probably slightly better than the donuts but both will kill you.

I had to go to the gym today and it will be no surprise to anyone if I tell you I’m not training with Greek Adonis but before I hear y’all say “I told you so” it’s not what you think. He’s still alive and training but with Smug Git’s schedule and GA’s schedule it’s better if they work out together.  He is an awesome trainer and I really did enjoy working out with him, minus the tantrums (and they were from me) but it’s back to training with the lovely Scott.  Today Scott was not so lovely. I turned up and he was mad, now I get it that he does not want to be messed around, however the last time I looked at my bank account I was still paying him so he needs pull his big girl panties up and get on with it. He was having a hard time dealing with me this morning but it was then that I remembered that he really is just a wee boy with a big grown up job and if I’m the worst - I don’t really want to say this - client (doesn't make me or him sound good) anyway if I’m the worst he’s got he’s not doing half bad.  We managed or should I say he managed to get along with me till the end of the workout and then I booked two more workout this week and three next week so he seemed to cheer up a bit. Believe me I will give him a hard time tomorrow about his mood and then it may be onto trainer five!

After my weights workout I went and did some cardio. I was aiming for 20 minutes but managed 10, which was better than nothing I suppose. The sweat was pouring off me and I was knackered but then it had been a week since I had worked out and I’d been drinking every night so I’m sure I was sweating out pure alcohol. Oh I seriously need to stop drinking.  I go home and I’m on the internet and I found this little article.

Avoid alcohol
Want to keep your favorite meals from going straight to your hips (thighs, belly)? Wash them down with water, not wine. Alcohol slows your metabolism by depressing the central nervous system. A British study found that when alcohol was added to a high-fat, high-calorie meal, less dietary fat was burned off and more was stored as body fat. Bloody Britt’s they have to suck the fun out of everything.

Do you think this is true? Don’t even bother answering I know what y’all will say and that’s not what I want to hear. So what do I do? I don’t think I have a drink problem, I love it I really do but I do think enough is enough so after giving it a lot - and I mean a lot of thought, I’m going to not drink for one whole week. I get it that it does not sound like a long time but I think the last time I didn't drink was about 18 years ago when I was pregnant (OK so maybe that does make me sound like I have a bit of a problem). I've just read that last bit back and it sounds like I've been drinking or drunk for 18 years - Not so but I’m not going to explain coz I can’t be bothered (see the bitching has started already), so one week it is starting from today June 20^th 2013 I’m kind of crapping myself because I’m not sure I can do it. Next week’s blog could be a drunk blog, now that would be funny.

Next week’s goals; no drinking and go to the gym five days. That sounds easy, let’s see!

Let the bitching, I mean fun begin…..

When the going gets tough the trainers get going!

It’s Monday June 3, 2013 officially the first day of my summer vacation and since starting my fifty till fifty I’ve lost 4 pounds (it’s better than nothing) and I’m now on my fourth personal trainer. Why do these things happen to me? Normally during the summer break I average about a 10 pound gain by the time I go back to work in August but this year I’m hoping it will be 10 pounds in the other direction. First though I guess I should fill you in on how on earth I managed to get through 3 personal trainers.

Smug Git and I went to LA Fitness to have a look about and to think about joining. I have to say it’s a very nice gym, well as gyms go it’s nice and of course it’s full of poncey people that love themselves and tons of buff teenage boys. Ok I’m just going to say this, teenagers did not look that buff when I was at school. Well the boys didn’t, some of the girls - now that’s a different story! Seriously though boys were never that buff and what is it with the protein shake? All the buff people have a protein shake stuck to their hand (hmmm maybe that’s where I’m going wrong, that and a few hundred other things.) Anyway I digress. We decide we are going to sign up and actually get a good deal so I have an appointment to see a personal trainer called Patrick the next day.

Wow! Patrick! Or should I say Perfect Patrick this guy is BUFF! He has arms the size of a small child (oh and not as Smug Git says wee tiny baby arms) He’s huge and handsome and did I say perfect? Oh god I think I’m drooling a bit, I’ll need to wipe my chin before I carry on. I go and meet with him and I come over all smiley and giggly like a big stupid teenager and I start talking shite like “I rode the MS150 and I write a blog” coz I know that’s going to impress him, right? Well you never know it might have - well until I had to tell him what I weigh but being perfect he says “no you don’t weigh that much”. Told ya - Perfect!

Then Perfect Patrick did the funniest thing he brings out this piece of equipment that looked exactly like an Xbox controller and he tells me I have to squeeze the two handles as hard as I can and this will measure my body fat content but first he has to put in my weight and height it’s then I start to laugh he might be perfect but he’s not very bright well I guess you can’t have everything.  I mean seriously I could have squeezed his fingers and told him the same thing the bloody Xbox controller did.  My body fat content was very high. Really? No shit Sherlock! So the next thing I know I’m signing up for a personal trainer two days a week (oh god help me now).

Trainer number 1

Candy, sweet little girl with a no nonsense attitude but with no sense of humor. She did make me laugh when, after our first workout, she gave me her cell number and told me to call or text her if I had any questions and then she says “You do know how to text right?”. WTF! How old did she think I was? I was texting before she was out of diapers!  I had a few great workouts with her but one of the most memorable was when she had me do jumping jacks and I told her that it was not a good idea since I had a bladder control issue. She looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language (to her, maybe I was) she told me to just stop when I had to and I told her no worries I’d just stop when I slipped on the pee on the floor. Ha! that made her laugh.  But sadly Candy got fired L.

I liked Candy, but then… who doesn’t like candy!

Trainer number 2

Helga, big, giant, dark haired girl with a mole and a mustache. Well ok she was tall, skinny and beautiful. Or she would have been if she smiled. She did not like fat people, so I did not like Helga. I preferred to think of her as big and moley with a mustache.  She would not talk to me and could barely look in my direction but I don’t know why that should surprise me as gyms all over the world are like that. Skinny people think there’s something wrong with you if you’re fat and that if they talk to you they may catch the fat virus (oops bit of a rant there). Anyway, it was no surprise when she did not show up for me the next day.  Shocker right?

Trainer number 3

The lovely Scott! What can I say about Scott, great wee trainer, nice young man. I had some fantastic workouts with him but as they say all good things must come to an end and Smug Git needs the help much more than me so he is now training with Scott.

And me?

Well I’m now on to…..

Trainer number 4

Are y’all ready for this? 

I’m now training with Greek Adonis and my first training day is today.  Now this is going to go one of two ways; I’m going to lose all my weight & look fantastic or I’ll lose all my weight eating prison food because I’ve murdered the wee shite. Either way I’ll be looking a lot better. 

Wish me luck till next time…..Iz

Quick update I’m just back from my first work out with Greek Adonis and there is another scenario I may just collapse and die during a workout… help!  

50/50

Well hello old friends! I know it’s been a while but I have a new challenge in mind and I know I’m going to need all the support and cheerleading I can get and there’s no better way to get it than by blogging to y’all every couple of weeks. BUT don’t worry your money is safe under your mattresses and in your banks. This time I’m not looking for your hard earned cash. (Ha! I just heard a huge sigh of relief from all my friends)

First things first as you all probably know by now I did not ride in this year’s MS150 L due to my bloody hip problem, yes it still hurts but the doc has been trying some new meds and as of right now it feels like it’s helping a bit. Not a lot, I still have pain but less than before thankfully and because of this, now for the first time in a long time I think I can attempt some exercise.

So with that being said let me tell you what I’m planning - are you all ready for this? Drum roll please……… 

I am going to try, well not try, I am going to lose 50 pounds before my 50^th birthday.  I know crazy right?  Thankfully my birthday is next April so that gives me 50 weeks give or take a week or two so I think it’s very doable and it’s not like I’ll be a twig insect if I lose 50 so very doable, also I have two friends who want to help me with this and as soon as they are on board 100% I’ll introduce them to y’all. They are hilarious because they don’t want you to know how much they weigh just how much the loss or gain each week. This will make for a funny read since I think it should be a no holds barred competition which of course I will win not that I’m in the least bit competitive right Sandra?

Last month was my 49^th birthday, the last year in my forties and I had to share my birthday with a little boy at school. Let me start by saying a very cute and lovely little boy, however I still had to share it with him. What is it with 3 year old children? It has to be all about them, so selfish! But happily I reminded the children that it was not all about him it was my special day too! Well that didn’t work too well for me since he brought in the best snack ever. Ok I’m losing this one big time, bloody children.  Anyway I was going to start this new escapade on the Wednesday, the day after my birthday but due to the massive hangover I had maybe Thursday would work better. But no I went to my friend Amanda’s for dinner, I had convinced myself I would not have a drink and when I got there she asked me if I’d like a drink, “No thanks I’m good right now” (are you all impressed?) well that lasted about an hour and it was G&T’s all-round never mind I’ll start tomorrow….No wait that’s Friday, then the weekend. Ok Monday it is then and I’m really serious, Monday is D day.

Every time I blog I will set myself goals for the following week or two and then I will report back to you and let you know where I have managed to achieve those goals or hopefully do better and I will even let you know if I fail by thinking up the best excuses why I did not achieve them, no I promise I’ll be honest, scouts honor.  I will hopefully let you know how much weight I’ve lost but I will also let you know if I’ve gained.  I’m going to take pictures so that you can see my progress as I go and I’m planning on taking my first picture today I’ll also add the other girls pictures if they want to do that.  

Goals for the week…..

I don’t know if anyone knows this, well besides Smug Git, but I am an addict. I’m addicted to eggs I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE eggs! I have an egg every day and I know eating one every day is not good for you but neither is gin and tonic and that doesn’t stop me either however in the spirit of reaching my goal this week I’m going to have a protein smoothie for breakfast and no gin and tonics till Friday (and just to let you know no I don’t have a G&T for breakfast ok) my other favorite food group is bread. I have to have bread at every meal so having the smoothie will cut out one of my bread servings for the day. I think that will be a good start for the food week now exercise is another story. Since my hip has been giving me so much pain lately I can honestly say I’ve done little or no exercise in going on 4 months, today Smug Git and I are off to join a gym I will try and work up the courage to actually go and use the gym at least once this week but I will get on my bike and do a little 30 minute walk I think that’s plenty for week 1 I hope you all agree.

Wish me luck! See y’all next week for an update.  

On the Road Again.

Let me tell you about last weeks ride….First let me say that if you thought I had a bit of a moan on the last blog you aint read nothing yet!  Last Saturday I went for my first training ride for this year’s MS150. I know. I can hear y’all asking “What? You’re doing it again so soon?” and the answer should be “Why yes friends I am” but instead I’m thinking stop asking stupid questions of course I’m doing it again why else would I have dragged my sorry fat ass out of bed on a windy, rainy miserable and oh, did I say windy, Saturday morning.  Yes friends I think I’m doing it again!

Ok let’s get started then.  After work on Friday I had choir practice and for those of you who don’t know what this is, it’s code at school for happy hour (so the parents don’t realize the teachers are all alcoholics). I only had 2½ drinks because I knew I was doing a training ride in the morning and because being the athlete that I am (not). I know that for me drinking and riding my bike even if it is the next day doesn’t mix…now if only I would have kept all this in mind when I got home but no I had to go on and have a few drinks more. Not too many but a few more and I did not go to bed early enough so ultimately I woke up feeling like shit and still tired, of course Smug Gut is all happy whistling and getting all the gear together (seriously I could stick a hot poker in his eye. ) You can tell I’m not happy right now right? I look in the mirror and it’s as if I haven’t looked at myself. I look 48, I feel  48 and when did I put all this weight on? So right then and there I decide… No, not to go on another diet, I decide I’m not wearing cycling clothes looking like this. Although I do have to wear the shorts (for the padding) so I pull on the scabbiest t-shirt I can find. I head out to the kitchen and Smug Git just looks at me but says nothing. Oh except “Do you want a banana for breakfast and we can go for lunch after the ride?”

Me:  “A banana! I’ve to cycle 16 miles on a banana?”

SG: “Ok! I’ll just put the bacon on” (hot poker in the other eye)

And off we go with hardly a word spoken between us.  When we get there The Don, our riding buddy from last year, parked right next to us. Smug Git gets out the car and starts unpacking and I just sit there with my face like thunder and I can hear him say to The Don “She’s in a mood, she does not want to be here”

Me: “You do know I can hear you?”

SG and The Don just laugh!

Eventually I get out the car and to my right there is this group of people apparently all using their really loud outside voices.  I don’t care if you were a great cyclist when you were a kid and I don’t care what you got for Christmas and stop laughing I’m in a mood! Can someone, anyone, please tell me why I’m doing this again because right now I have no fucking idea.

The ride starts and as always I hate the start with all those bikes all bunched up together. I feel sick and nervous but I get myself together and we set off. Well ok this is not too bad. I’m going at quite a good pace I look down and I’m riding about 15 or 16 miles an hour I guess they are right when they say it’s just like riding a bike! Pun intended.  Before I know it we are at the rest stop, half way to the ride being over! I do have to say I was very red in the face and a wee bit out of breath because I did think I had set out too fast but we were there and the first part was over and it only took 33 minutes. Ok, ok I can do this, I can do another 33 minutes back to the car. I feel the beginnings of a smile. Smug Git is looking at me I think he’s not sure if it’s a smile or if I’m wincing at him so he very smartly says nothing. Back on the bike and off we go to the end.  And then it happens, we turn onto the road and the wind just hits us, oh where the hell did that come from? It wasn't just a wee bit windy it was blowing a gale! I was wobbling on the bike and I can tell you there was not even the hint of a smile. I was wincing all the way back and I was cycling on the granny gears. The 35 minutes back ended up being 47, I felt like I was cycling up a hill the whole way and everything hurt from my head to my toes. You know when you exercise those endorphins are supposed to kick in and you get that feel good factor? Well my endorphins must have slept in because they were nowhere to be found.  Remember ages ago I asked the question was I crazy doing this again because I knew what was in front of me? Well today I know the answer.  Hell yes I’m crazy and I have to be honest I’m not sure I can do it. This year I think my MS 150 contribution may be in the form of volunteering because this is too hard plus no one has sponsored me yet so I have an easy out.

I will do it because if I don’t then I would have failed myself and if I could do it last year I sure as hell won’t let it beat me this year but I have a feeling my blogs may be taking a different route but I hope you will all have my back with your words of encouragement when I need them and believe me I need them big time.

Thanks for reading see you next week…Iz

Serious Bit….

Please sponsor me I’m in dire need of the motivation. Here is my link

Peace perfect peace

I’m going to have a rant in this blog, now I know it’s probably not politically correct to blog about your children, well unless you’re talking about how wonderful they are or how they are in honor classes or in all Pre-AP or AP classes or are in fact top 10% of their class and god forbid they’d be less than top25%. I think in my neighborhood along with the ban on fireworks and the not allowed to let your cat out on its own if your children were less than top 25% you’d be breaking the deed restrictions and would be lowering the value of the house prices so therefore you would be asked to leave.  Thankfully we’ve kept our dirty little secret safe so far.  But I don’t care. I’ve been at home with my two children (well I say children but they are actually young adults) for two weeks and they are driving me crazy! Is it wrong to look forward to being an empty nester?

I know bringing up children is not easy and I can only speak for boys (and I can’t begin to understand how hard it must be bringing up girls). When you first bring them home it’s all lovely, then the sleepless nights start but every time you look at that wee face everything is ok with the world. Who cares about a few sleepless nights? Then there’s the terrible two’s, those cute little defiant faces telling you no and you have to try your best not to laugh after they’ve changed themselves into nothing but welly boots and a towel pegged round their neck when you’re in a hurry to get out it’s no biggie really, right? So ok fast forward 17 and 19 years later. Nothing is cute. And nothing, and I mean nothing is funny.

Let’s start with my youngest son, the 17 year old. He’s a gamer. If you have one of these you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. If not I’ll describe him for you so you’ll be able to recognize a gamer anywhere.  He’ll be the pasty faced kid with no color because he spends little to no time outside and will have no clue what the big yellow ball in the sky is.  He will have top of the range equipment like gamer boy, who I have to say, has built his own faster than light computer (ok does that count as bragging?) He has this fancy office chair that I’m sure is molded to his body, two monitors and an F-off keyboard and mouse but the pe esta resistance is the noise cancelling head phones. Unfortunately for us they don’t cancel the noise coming from his bed room just me shouting in at the top of my lungs when I need him. Now I could run up the stairs to get him but why would I do that when I can text him and apparently they don’t cancel out the small ping of a text they just cancel out me (funny that).

This past two weeks Gamer Boy has spent his time equally between gaming and sleeping with limited interruptions for eating and the occasional shower. GB plays online with the same kids all the time so I know those parents know what I’m talking about but I have to tell you about this one kid he plays with. His name is “Kyle”, we, being the good parents we are, have no idea what so ever who “Kyle” is only that GB has been playing on line with him for I would say close on 5 years. We have asked questions and of course given GB a hard time by telling him “you have no idea who this kid is, he could be a 40 year old guy with 5 kids” and all GB would say was he’s not and he has a really high voice (ok so that’s reassuring) Kyle does not live in this state so calm down all you good parents out there GB has never met him (because that would require leaving the house and that’s not happening any time soon) but we have a nick name for “Kyle” in our house and wait for it it’s………..Kyle the pedophile! Haha I know it’s not funny but really it is.

Now onto eldest son the 19 year old. Oh where to start! This is the first year Greek Adonis aka Stupid Son went off to college and I have to say it has been wonderful not to have him at home. Quiet, no drama but I do miss him or did miss him but he’s back.  He did come back for a week at Thanksgiving and it was so nice. He was lovely and considerate and easy to talk to. It was kind of like having someone else’s kid at your house so as you can imagine I was really looking forward to him coming home for a whole month at Christmas. Well two weeks in and eh not so much! All I hear is “What’s for breakfast?”, “What’s for lunch?”, “What’s for dinner?”  So then I stupidly offer up a choice

Me “Would you like cereal?”

Boys “No”

Me “Toast?”

Boys “No”

Me “Eggs?”

Boys “no”

And then it’s the same at lunch and dinner arrg!

“So what do you want?” “I don’t know” Ok shoot me now.   

So Greek Adonis has also brought his dog home remember the dog I did not want him to get? Now the dog is very well trained I’ll give him that but the wee shite (GA that is, not the dog) is never home so it’s left to me and Smug Git to look after the bloody dog. Well when I say me and Smug Git I really mean Smug Git. All I’ve done for the dog is throw it the odd carrot here and there (I think that counts as looking after him) it’s more than Greek Adonis has done and then he has the cheek to tell me I’m not looking after him right! WTF! Damn right I’m not, HE’S NOT MY DOG! (Oh big rant there) maybe if he was at home a bit more he could look after his own stupid dog but apparently being home for a month from school is the same as going on vacation! So far he has gone mountain biking, played several rounds of golf, gone out for lunch and dinner, numerous all night parties whilst living in the lap of luxury in an all-inclusive hotel with a laundry and pet sitting facility thrown in for free.  Come on now that’s funny I know I now sound like all your mothers right? Because I know I sound like mine. I never had it that good.

I can honestly say I can’t wait to get them back to school and me back to work and let me tell you something else when Gamer Boy leaves for college we are selling this house and leaving no forwarding address. See how they like that!

Rant over thanks for listening!

Love and Happy New Year to All.  Iz x

Wabbit Season!

I know I have not written a blog in a while and to tell you the truth that was for two reasons. One, I know as soon as I write something I'm seriously going to have to start working on losing weight and I'll have to actually get on the bike again and, two, nothing remotely funny or otherwise has happened to me lately. Well that is until this weekend! So now I'm writing this and I'll have to start the diet and the bike riding but best of all I get to tell you about my weekend.



Smug Git and I were invited to go hunting with our good friends the Howard's. Now I'm not really a hunting kind of girl and have tried several times in the past say 20 odd years being vegetarian but like most of the things I try I failed miserably (seriously who can live without bacon?) but as you know I do love any opportunity to partake in a few alcoholic beverages so I was mad keen to go and live it up out in the country. We pack up Friday after work and head out. As we are leaving Smug Git tells me that he also will not be hunting. Ok really? We are invited on a hunting weekend and none of us are going to do it. So there and then I decide I will do it, I'll shoot the bloody thing! Or at least be there when Mike shoots it. So from here on in Smug Git will now be known as Josephine (the big girls blouse.)

Friday evening we have a really nice dinner but I'm a bag of nerves due, obviously to the fact that I will be killing an animal the next morning so to get us in the mood we watch the deer hunter ha ha ha just kidding we watch a few episodes of duck dynasty. Now I don't know if you've ever watched this wee gem, but it is so funny! I recommend y'all catching an episode and I know you're thinking what does this have to do with deer hunting but it will all become clear later.  When its time for bed Josephine sets the alarm for me at 5:50am on a Saturday morning so I can go hunt, like I need an alarm I'll be awake all night worrying about it.

5:50am and you guessed it I'm awake before the alarm but surprisingly enough I did sleep. Josephine and I get up, I don't know why she's up because she's not going anywhere. I'm the one doing all the dirty work. When we head out it's black as two in the morning and we have to get to the hut (or as us hunters call it the hide). As soon as we get out the door there are wild animals right there in front of us! Three raccoons! For real! Right there! Mike scares them with the torch (now I know you Americans are thinking we have a big stick with a flame on it but no it was a flashlight) and then we have to go in the same direction as the wild animals went! I'm freaking out and I can't see two feet in front of me! Ok I can do this, deep breath. I forgot to say Mike is in full camouflage gear while I'm in a pair of 3/4 length jeans and Skechers. Anyway we get to the hut and climb inside. It's tiny with a wooden bench but I do get a cushion to sit on although with a butt the size of mine it feels like I'm sitting on a Kleenex. We settle in for the kill and Mike loads the gun. A .50 caliber rifle no less. Have you ever sat beside someone with a loaded gun before? Well let me tell you, I was following all the rules, I kept my eyes peeled and my mouth well and truly shut. In fact if truth be told I was scared to move a muscle! I just looked out the window and only talked when I was talked to in a very quiet whisper. Then to my left I spot a doe, a deer, a female deer (ok I know you're laughing at this. I was actually thinking this at the time.) I nudge Mike and I'm kinda proud of myself because I spotted it first but panicking that he will shoot it and I'll have to watch but no we don't shoot doe's only buck's. I did not know that thank god. Two more doe come along and head into our field then something gets their attention and it looks like they are staring right at me then they run off thank god. I feel like my mind melding with the deer worked "Run, flee for your life!" Now if I can keep this up I won't have to kill anything but Mike decides to bring out the big guns the, wait for it......"Buck Commander" from duck dynasty! For real! He bought one from that place in Louisiana. He starts blowing in it to get the bucks to come out but thankfully they don't and I'm so relieved I get to go back and still look tough in front of Josephine with bragging rights intact for a long time or until she grows a pair.  We get back to the house and I'm so full of myself, bragging and laughing and giving Josephine such a hard time then Mike says

 

"So Izzi you want to go out again just before sunset?"

Me "Sure I'd love to" (fuck!)

Me "Hey Smug Git, you want to go?" (I was trying to get on his good side)

SG "No, no worries, you can go"

Me "Cool thanks" (fuck!)

Ok to cut a long story short I went back out, saw lots and lots of doe but once again no buck. My mind melding was still working.

I think Josephine was rather pissed off at me and decided to go out the next morning and what would you know. They did get a buck and Smug Git (Josephine no more) helped with all the dirty work that goes with killing animals. The stuff I don't want to know about when I'm tucking into a nice steak dinner.

What a nice weekend with at last something to write about.

Serious bit

I do want to remind y'all I am riding in the MS150 and if some of you could spare a few dollars to sponsor me it might help me get fired up about training so please give it some thought. Here is my link

 

Thanks for reading. Iz