One Hip Izzi

Four weeks ago on Wednesday, at age 50 and 70 days (forgive me for the 70 days but I’m just getting used to this age 50 thing) I’d love to say so far so good but really a month ago today I had a full left hip replacement, not a partial but the whole shebang. Titanium rod implant, marble and titanium ball and plastic cartilage replacement. Not to mention whatever they did to the socket to hold all that shit in place.  Whoa! sounds a lot just writing it.  

Now I know you're all thinking “Wow! 50 is awfully young to have a hip replacement” and you'd be right it is. Most, but not all, hip replacements are done around the late 60s and 70s since they don't last forever and believe me when I tell you you don't want to do that more than once (unfortunately I might have to) they last anywhere between 10 and 20 years depending on how well you treat your new hip. And I intend to treat mine as well as any active fun loving 50 year old would treat their own hip. So I’m thinking 10 to 15 years and I’ll need a new one.  Although last night I did realize I will never be able to get on a mechanical bull! How sad is that? I knew I should have  got that off my bucket list before surgery but when I told my BFF she just laughed and said oh don’t worry we can just ask him to go slow.  Love her but where’s the fun in going slow? I’m sure there’s a whole host of things I’ll not be able to do. My surgeon told me I can’t run any more but when he told me that I just laughed and laughed. Me? Run? That’s never happened before and never will, but now I have a good excuse.

Anyway happy to report the surgery, as most of you know, went brilliantly and I was up and walking within 6 hours with no pain whatsoever but I know that was because of the massive amount of drugs that I had. But hey no complaints here!  I was back home two days later to let the recovery commence.  

Recovery will take a long time and if you know me, the one thing I’m not is patient, I want every thing done yesterday. So to say I’m having a tough time with this is an understatement. The first two weeks were fine. I could see and feel improvements every day because there were big changes. In 10 days I went from using a walker to only using a cane. Day 14 I got my staples removed which allowed me to sleep better, now I can sleep on my side again instead of only on my back. It does not sound like much but when the heels of your feet hurt because you can’t move in bed this is an awesome improvement. The last two week have been much more challenging since the improvements are slower and rehab is just walk, walk, walk.  I have gone back to the gym but only to do upper body and get on the bike with no resistance. I did manage that for 15 minutes on monday of this week (week 4). On Tuesday I made in into the pool with a lot of help from Smug Git. Who’d have thought getting into the pool would be hard but it was and it hurt a lot as did just walking back and forth. I had assumed that would be easy but no, it was tough. So, me being me, that’s what I’m going to do from now on. When I go to the gym I’m going to workout with my lovely trainer Sherif and then go to the pool.  

Ok. On the funny side, since that last bit was a tad serious there’s a chair lift into the pool at the gym that I’m going to use. So watch this space and I’ll let you know how that goes because we all know how judged we are at the gym so it may be interesting to see how a fat disabled person is judged and talking about disabled how awesome it it to get special up close parking permit! Oh this little chestnut never gets old!  

And it’s lets have a moan time…. Part of my recovery is knowing I can’t go on holiday this summer nor can I drive the car till I’m off all pain killers and I’m in no hurry to stop taking them you know the saying every cloud :) well since I’m stuck at home looking at the same four walls and of course Facebook (Bloody hate FB honestly). What is it with people who go on holiday or vacation however you say it and post hour by hour pictures, sometimes minute by fucking minute! Starting with check in at the airport lounge with <insert whatever your beverage of choice>. Then “Ooh! Look at our hotel room!”, “View of beach/pool/bar”, then we have to have the food pictures - Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner. Oh so help me god! And I’m not even religious put your phone and Facebook down and enjoy your bloody holiday. Unless of course part of your holiday is pissing me and everyone else who can’t afford or for what ever reason can’t go on holiday then carry on. Ok… rant over.  

Back to me.

As you can see I’m having a hard time this week. Can't really talk to Smug without crying. I think having a hip replacement in your 60s or 70s may be easier maybe by then you've learned how to be patient and take it a step at a time. For me - not so easy but I’ll try.

  

If you have any tips or comments for me that you think might help feel free to give them to me but I’m very delicate at the moment so be kind.

Thanks for listen to me moan. The next time I’ll be more positive… I hope!….Iz x

Little Old Wine Drinker Me!

If you remember my last blog it was the first day of the summer holidays and I was all gung ho about not putting 10 pounds on and going to the gym if not every day most days of the week. Well it’s the end of the third week and I've managed to go to the gym 3 times and I've drank every night bar 3. And no they were not the nights I went to the gym.  I am not having an easy time with this! Then to top it all I hear that James Gandolfini died and he was only 51. That’s only 2 years older than me! Bloody hell! I start watching a news report about him and it was saying he was a bit of a partier. He liked his drugs and alcohol and I start thinking “wow, that’s a bit like me!” well, minus the drugs. I’m more donuts and alcohol but to be honest there’s not much of a difference, drugs are probably slightly better than the donuts but both will kill you.

I had to go to the gym today and it will be no surprise to anyone if I tell you I’m not training with Greek Adonis but before I hear y’all say “I told you so” it’s not what you think. He’s still alive and training but with Smug Git’s schedule and GA’s schedule it’s better if they work out together.  He is an awesome trainer and I really did enjoy working out with him, minus the tantrums (and they were from me) but it’s back to training with the lovely Scott.  Today Scott was not so lovely. I turned up and he was mad, now I get it that he does not want to be messed around, however the last time I looked at my bank account I was still paying him so he needs pull his big girl panties up and get on with it. He was having a hard time dealing with me this morning but it was then that I remembered that he really is just a wee boy with a big grown up job and if I’m the worst - I don’t really want to say this - client (doesn't make me or him sound good) anyway if I’m the worst he’s got he’s not doing half bad.  We managed or should I say he managed to get along with me till the end of the workout and then I booked two more workout this week and three next week so he seemed to cheer up a bit. Believe me I will give him a hard time tomorrow about his mood and then it may be onto trainer five!

After my weights workout I went and did some cardio. I was aiming for 20 minutes but managed 10, which was better than nothing I suppose. The sweat was pouring off me and I was knackered but then it had been a week since I had worked out and I’d been drinking every night so I’m sure I was sweating out pure alcohol. Oh I seriously need to stop drinking.  I go home and I’m on the internet and I found this little article.

Avoid alcohol
Want to keep your favorite meals from going straight to your hips (thighs, belly)? Wash them down with water, not wine. Alcohol slows your metabolism by depressing the central nervous system. A British study found that when alcohol was added to a high-fat, high-calorie meal, less dietary fat was burned off and more was stored as body fat. Bloody Britt’s they have to suck the fun out of everything.

Do you think this is true? Don’t even bother answering I know what y’all will say and that’s not what I want to hear. So what do I do? I don’t think I have a drink problem, I love it I really do but I do think enough is enough so after giving it a lot - and I mean a lot of thought, I’m going to not drink for one whole week. I get it that it does not sound like a long time but I think the last time I didn't drink was about 18 years ago when I was pregnant (OK so maybe that does make me sound like I have a bit of a problem). I've just read that last bit back and it sounds like I've been drinking or drunk for 18 years - Not so but I’m not going to explain coz I can’t be bothered (see the bitching has started already), so one week it is starting from today June 20^th 2013 I’m kind of crapping myself because I’m not sure I can do it. Next week’s blog could be a drunk blog, now that would be funny.

Next week’s goals; no drinking and go to the gym five days. That sounds easy, let’s see!

Let the bitching, I mean fun begin…..

When the going gets tough the trainers get going!

It’s Monday June 3, 2013 officially the first day of my summer vacation and since starting my fifty till fifty I’ve lost 4 pounds (it’s better than nothing) and I’m now on my fourth personal trainer. Why do these things happen to me? Normally during the summer break I average about a 10 pound gain by the time I go back to work in August but this year I’m hoping it will be 10 pounds in the other direction. First though I guess I should fill you in on how on earth I managed to get through 3 personal trainers.

Smug Git and I went to LA Fitness to have a look about and to think about joining. I have to say it’s a very nice gym, well as gyms go it’s nice and of course it’s full of poncey people that love themselves and tons of buff teenage boys. Ok I’m just going to say this, teenagers did not look that buff when I was at school. Well the boys didn’t, some of the girls - now that’s a different story! Seriously though boys were never that buff and what is it with the protein shake? All the buff people have a protein shake stuck to their hand (hmmm maybe that’s where I’m going wrong, that and a few hundred other things.) Anyway I digress. We decide we are going to sign up and actually get a good deal so I have an appointment to see a personal trainer called Patrick the next day.

Wow! Patrick! Or should I say Perfect Patrick this guy is BUFF! He has arms the size of a small child (oh and not as Smug Git says wee tiny baby arms) He’s huge and handsome and did I say perfect? Oh god I think I’m drooling a bit, I’ll need to wipe my chin before I carry on. I go and meet with him and I come over all smiley and giggly like a big stupid teenager and I start talking shite like “I rode the MS150 and I write a blog” coz I know that’s going to impress him, right? Well you never know it might have - well until I had to tell him what I weigh but being perfect he says “no you don’t weigh that much”. Told ya - Perfect!

Then Perfect Patrick did the funniest thing he brings out this piece of equipment that looked exactly like an Xbox controller and he tells me I have to squeeze the two handles as hard as I can and this will measure my body fat content but first he has to put in my weight and height it’s then I start to laugh he might be perfect but he’s not very bright well I guess you can’t have everything.  I mean seriously I could have squeezed his fingers and told him the same thing the bloody Xbox controller did.  My body fat content was very high. Really? No shit Sherlock! So the next thing I know I’m signing up for a personal trainer two days a week (oh god help me now).

Trainer number 1

Candy, sweet little girl with a no nonsense attitude but with no sense of humor. She did make me laugh when, after our first workout, she gave me her cell number and told me to call or text her if I had any questions and then she says “You do know how to text right?”. WTF! How old did she think I was? I was texting before she was out of diapers!  I had a few great workouts with her but one of the most memorable was when she had me do jumping jacks and I told her that it was not a good idea since I had a bladder control issue. She looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language (to her, maybe I was) she told me to just stop when I had to and I told her no worries I’d just stop when I slipped on the pee on the floor. Ha! that made her laugh.  But sadly Candy got fired L.

I liked Candy, but then… who doesn’t like candy!

Trainer number 2

Helga, big, giant, dark haired girl with a mole and a mustache. Well ok she was tall, skinny and beautiful. Or she would have been if she smiled. She did not like fat people, so I did not like Helga. I preferred to think of her as big and moley with a mustache.  She would not talk to me and could barely look in my direction but I don’t know why that should surprise me as gyms all over the world are like that. Skinny people think there’s something wrong with you if you’re fat and that if they talk to you they may catch the fat virus (oops bit of a rant there). Anyway, it was no surprise when she did not show up for me the next day.  Shocker right?

Trainer number 3

The lovely Scott! What can I say about Scott, great wee trainer, nice young man. I had some fantastic workouts with him but as they say all good things must come to an end and Smug Git needs the help much more than me so he is now training with Scott.

And me?

Well I’m now on to…..

Trainer number 4

Are y’all ready for this? 

I’m now training with Greek Adonis and my first training day is today.  Now this is going to go one of two ways; I’m going to lose all my weight & look fantastic or I’ll lose all my weight eating prison food because I’ve murdered the wee shite. Either way I’ll be looking a lot better. 

Wish me luck till next time…..Iz

Quick update I’m just back from my first work out with Greek Adonis and there is another scenario I may just collapse and die during a workout… help!  

50/50

Well hello old friends! I know it’s been a while but I have a new challenge in mind and I know I’m going to need all the support and cheerleading I can get and there’s no better way to get it than by blogging to y’all every couple of weeks. BUT don’t worry your money is safe under your mattresses and in your banks. This time I’m not looking for your hard earned cash. (Ha! I just heard a huge sigh of relief from all my friends)

First things first as you all probably know by now I did not ride in this year’s MS150 L due to my bloody hip problem, yes it still hurts but the doc has been trying some new meds and as of right now it feels like it’s helping a bit. Not a lot, I still have pain but less than before thankfully and because of this, now for the first time in a long time I think I can attempt some exercise.

So with that being said let me tell you what I’m planning - are you all ready for this? Drum roll please……… 

I am going to try, well not try, I am going to lose 50 pounds before my 50^th birthday.  I know crazy right?  Thankfully my birthday is next April so that gives me 50 weeks give or take a week or two so I think it’s very doable and it’s not like I’ll be a twig insect if I lose 50 so very doable, also I have two friends who want to help me with this and as soon as they are on board 100% I’ll introduce them to y’all. They are hilarious because they don’t want you to know how much they weigh just how much the loss or gain each week. This will make for a funny read since I think it should be a no holds barred competition which of course I will win not that I’m in the least bit competitive right Sandra?

Last month was my 49^th birthday, the last year in my forties and I had to share my birthday with a little boy at school. Let me start by saying a very cute and lovely little boy, however I still had to share it with him. What is it with 3 year old children? It has to be all about them, so selfish! But happily I reminded the children that it was not all about him it was my special day too! Well that didn’t work too well for me since he brought in the best snack ever. Ok I’m losing this one big time, bloody children.  Anyway I was going to start this new escapade on the Wednesday, the day after my birthday but due to the massive hangover I had maybe Thursday would work better. But no I went to my friend Amanda’s for dinner, I had convinced myself I would not have a drink and when I got there she asked me if I’d like a drink, “No thanks I’m good right now” (are you all impressed?) well that lasted about an hour and it was G&T’s all-round never mind I’ll start tomorrow….No wait that’s Friday, then the weekend. Ok Monday it is then and I’m really serious, Monday is D day.

Every time I blog I will set myself goals for the following week or two and then I will report back to you and let you know where I have managed to achieve those goals or hopefully do better and I will even let you know if I fail by thinking up the best excuses why I did not achieve them, no I promise I’ll be honest, scouts honor.  I will hopefully let you know how much weight I’ve lost but I will also let you know if I’ve gained.  I’m going to take pictures so that you can see my progress as I go and I’m planning on taking my first picture today I’ll also add the other girls pictures if they want to do that.  

Goals for the week…..

I don’t know if anyone knows this, well besides Smug Git, but I am an addict. I’m addicted to eggs I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE eggs! I have an egg every day and I know eating one every day is not good for you but neither is gin and tonic and that doesn’t stop me either however in the spirit of reaching my goal this week I’m going to have a protein smoothie for breakfast and no gin and tonics till Friday (and just to let you know no I don’t have a G&T for breakfast ok) my other favorite food group is bread. I have to have bread at every meal so having the smoothie will cut out one of my bread servings for the day. I think that will be a good start for the food week now exercise is another story. Since my hip has been giving me so much pain lately I can honestly say I’ve done little or no exercise in going on 4 months, today Smug Git and I are off to join a gym I will try and work up the courage to actually go and use the gym at least once this week but I will get on my bike and do a little 30 minute walk I think that’s plenty for week 1 I hope you all agree.

Wish me luck! See y’all next week for an update.  

On the Road Again.

Let me tell you about last weeks ride….First let me say that if you thought I had a bit of a moan on the last blog you aint read nothing yet!  Last Saturday I went for my first training ride for this year’s MS150. I know. I can hear y’all asking “What? You’re doing it again so soon?” and the answer should be “Why yes friends I am” but instead I’m thinking stop asking stupid questions of course I’m doing it again why else would I have dragged my sorry fat ass out of bed on a windy, rainy miserable and oh, did I say windy, Saturday morning.  Yes friends I think I’m doing it again!

Ok let’s get started then.  After work on Friday I had choir practice and for those of you who don’t know what this is, it’s code at school for happy hour (so the parents don’t realize the teachers are all alcoholics). I only had 2½ drinks because I knew I was doing a training ride in the morning and because being the athlete that I am (not). I know that for me drinking and riding my bike even if it is the next day doesn’t mix…now if only I would have kept all this in mind when I got home but no I had to go on and have a few drinks more. Not too many but a few more and I did not go to bed early enough so ultimately I woke up feeling like shit and still tired, of course Smug Gut is all happy whistling and getting all the gear together (seriously I could stick a hot poker in his eye. ) You can tell I’m not happy right now right? I look in the mirror and it’s as if I haven’t looked at myself. I look 48, I feel  48 and when did I put all this weight on? So right then and there I decide… No, not to go on another diet, I decide I’m not wearing cycling clothes looking like this. Although I do have to wear the shorts (for the padding) so I pull on the scabbiest t-shirt I can find. I head out to the kitchen and Smug Git just looks at me but says nothing. Oh except “Do you want a banana for breakfast and we can go for lunch after the ride?”

Me:  “A banana! I’ve to cycle 16 miles on a banana?”

SG: “Ok! I’ll just put the bacon on” (hot poker in the other eye)

And off we go with hardly a word spoken between us.  When we get there The Don, our riding buddy from last year, parked right next to us. Smug Git gets out the car and starts unpacking and I just sit there with my face like thunder and I can hear him say to The Don “She’s in a mood, she does not want to be here”

Me: “You do know I can hear you?”

SG and The Don just laugh!

Eventually I get out the car and to my right there is this group of people apparently all using their really loud outside voices.  I don’t care if you were a great cyclist when you were a kid and I don’t care what you got for Christmas and stop laughing I’m in a mood! Can someone, anyone, please tell me why I’m doing this again because right now I have no fucking idea.

The ride starts and as always I hate the start with all those bikes all bunched up together. I feel sick and nervous but I get myself together and we set off. Well ok this is not too bad. I’m going at quite a good pace I look down and I’m riding about 15 or 16 miles an hour I guess they are right when they say it’s just like riding a bike! Pun intended.  Before I know it we are at the rest stop, half way to the ride being over! I do have to say I was very red in the face and a wee bit out of breath because I did think I had set out too fast but we were there and the first part was over and it only took 33 minutes. Ok, ok I can do this, I can do another 33 minutes back to the car. I feel the beginnings of a smile. Smug Git is looking at me I think he’s not sure if it’s a smile or if I’m wincing at him so he very smartly says nothing. Back on the bike and off we go to the end.  And then it happens, we turn onto the road and the wind just hits us, oh where the hell did that come from? It wasn't just a wee bit windy it was blowing a gale! I was wobbling on the bike and I can tell you there was not even the hint of a smile. I was wincing all the way back and I was cycling on the granny gears. The 35 minutes back ended up being 47, I felt like I was cycling up a hill the whole way and everything hurt from my head to my toes. You know when you exercise those endorphins are supposed to kick in and you get that feel good factor? Well my endorphins must have slept in because they were nowhere to be found.  Remember ages ago I asked the question was I crazy doing this again because I knew what was in front of me? Well today I know the answer.  Hell yes I’m crazy and I have to be honest I’m not sure I can do it. This year I think my MS 150 contribution may be in the form of volunteering because this is too hard plus no one has sponsored me yet so I have an easy out.

I will do it because if I don’t then I would have failed myself and if I could do it last year I sure as hell won’t let it beat me this year but I have a feeling my blogs may be taking a different route but I hope you will all have my back with your words of encouragement when I need them and believe me I need them big time.

Thanks for reading see you next week…Iz

Serious Bit….

Please sponsor me I’m in dire need of the motivation. Here is my link

Peace perfect peace

I’m going to have a rant in this blog, now I know it’s probably not politically correct to blog about your children, well unless you’re talking about how wonderful they are or how they are in honor classes or in all Pre-AP or AP classes or are in fact top 10% of their class and god forbid they’d be less than top25%. I think in my neighborhood along with the ban on fireworks and the not allowed to let your cat out on its own if your children were less than top 25% you’d be breaking the deed restrictions and would be lowering the value of the house prices so therefore you would be asked to leave.  Thankfully we’ve kept our dirty little secret safe so far.  But I don’t care. I’ve been at home with my two children (well I say children but they are actually young adults) for two weeks and they are driving me crazy! Is it wrong to look forward to being an empty nester?

I know bringing up children is not easy and I can only speak for boys (and I can’t begin to understand how hard it must be bringing up girls). When you first bring them home it’s all lovely, then the sleepless nights start but every time you look at that wee face everything is ok with the world. Who cares about a few sleepless nights? Then there’s the terrible two’s, those cute little defiant faces telling you no and you have to try your best not to laugh after they’ve changed themselves into nothing but welly boots and a towel pegged round their neck when you’re in a hurry to get out it’s no biggie really, right? So ok fast forward 17 and 19 years later. Nothing is cute. And nothing, and I mean nothing is funny.

Let’s start with my youngest son, the 17 year old. He’s a gamer. If you have one of these you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. If not I’ll describe him for you so you’ll be able to recognize a gamer anywhere.  He’ll be the pasty faced kid with no color because he spends little to no time outside and will have no clue what the big yellow ball in the sky is.  He will have top of the range equipment like gamer boy, who I have to say, has built his own faster than light computer (ok does that count as bragging?) He has this fancy office chair that I’m sure is molded to his body, two monitors and an F-off keyboard and mouse but the pe esta resistance is the noise cancelling head phones. Unfortunately for us they don’t cancel the noise coming from his bed room just me shouting in at the top of my lungs when I need him. Now I could run up the stairs to get him but why would I do that when I can text him and apparently they don’t cancel out the small ping of a text they just cancel out me (funny that).

This past two weeks Gamer Boy has spent his time equally between gaming and sleeping with limited interruptions for eating and the occasional shower. GB plays online with the same kids all the time so I know those parents know what I’m talking about but I have to tell you about this one kid he plays with. His name is “Kyle”, we, being the good parents we are, have no idea what so ever who “Kyle” is only that GB has been playing on line with him for I would say close on 5 years. We have asked questions and of course given GB a hard time by telling him “you have no idea who this kid is, he could be a 40 year old guy with 5 kids” and all GB would say was he’s not and he has a really high voice (ok so that’s reassuring) Kyle does not live in this state so calm down all you good parents out there GB has never met him (because that would require leaving the house and that’s not happening any time soon) but we have a nick name for “Kyle” in our house and wait for it it’s………..Kyle the pedophile! Haha I know it’s not funny but really it is.

Now onto eldest son the 19 year old. Oh where to start! This is the first year Greek Adonis aka Stupid Son went off to college and I have to say it has been wonderful not to have him at home. Quiet, no drama but I do miss him or did miss him but he’s back.  He did come back for a week at Thanksgiving and it was so nice. He was lovely and considerate and easy to talk to. It was kind of like having someone else’s kid at your house so as you can imagine I was really looking forward to him coming home for a whole month at Christmas. Well two weeks in and eh not so much! All I hear is “What’s for breakfast?”, “What’s for lunch?”, “What’s for dinner?”  So then I stupidly offer up a choice

Me “Would you like cereal?”

Boys “No”

Me “Toast?”

Boys “No”

Me “Eggs?”

Boys “no”

And then it’s the same at lunch and dinner arrg!

“So what do you want?” “I don’t know” Ok shoot me now.   

So Greek Adonis has also brought his dog home remember the dog I did not want him to get? Now the dog is very well trained I’ll give him that but the wee shite (GA that is, not the dog) is never home so it’s left to me and Smug Git to look after the bloody dog. Well when I say me and Smug Git I really mean Smug Git. All I’ve done for the dog is throw it the odd carrot here and there (I think that counts as looking after him) it’s more than Greek Adonis has done and then he has the cheek to tell me I’m not looking after him right! WTF! Damn right I’m not, HE’S NOT MY DOG! (Oh big rant there) maybe if he was at home a bit more he could look after his own stupid dog but apparently being home for a month from school is the same as going on vacation! So far he has gone mountain biking, played several rounds of golf, gone out for lunch and dinner, numerous all night parties whilst living in the lap of luxury in an all-inclusive hotel with a laundry and pet sitting facility thrown in for free.  Come on now that’s funny I know I now sound like all your mothers right? Because I know I sound like mine. I never had it that good.

I can honestly say I can’t wait to get them back to school and me back to work and let me tell you something else when Gamer Boy leaves for college we are selling this house and leaving no forwarding address. See how they like that!

Rant over thanks for listening!

Love and Happy New Year to All.  Iz x

Wabbit Season!

I know I have not written a blog in a while and to tell you the truth that was for two reasons. One, I know as soon as I write something I'm seriously going to have to start working on losing weight and I'll have to actually get on the bike again and, two, nothing remotely funny or otherwise has happened to me lately. Well that is until this weekend! So now I'm writing this and I'll have to start the diet and the bike riding but best of all I get to tell you about my weekend.



Smug Git and I were invited to go hunting with our good friends the Howard's. Now I'm not really a hunting kind of girl and have tried several times in the past say 20 odd years being vegetarian but like most of the things I try I failed miserably (seriously who can live without bacon?) but as you know I do love any opportunity to partake in a few alcoholic beverages so I was mad keen to go and live it up out in the country. We pack up Friday after work and head out. As we are leaving Smug Git tells me that he also will not be hunting. Ok really? We are invited on a hunting weekend and none of us are going to do it. So there and then I decide I will do it, I'll shoot the bloody thing! Or at least be there when Mike shoots it. So from here on in Smug Git will now be known as Josephine (the big girls blouse.)

Friday evening we have a really nice dinner but I'm a bag of nerves due, obviously to the fact that I will be killing an animal the next morning so to get us in the mood we watch the deer hunter ha ha ha just kidding we watch a few episodes of duck dynasty. Now I don't know if you've ever watched this wee gem, but it is so funny! I recommend y'all catching an episode and I know you're thinking what does this have to do with deer hunting but it will all become clear later.  When its time for bed Josephine sets the alarm for me at 5:50am on a Saturday morning so I can go hunt, like I need an alarm I'll be awake all night worrying about it.

5:50am and you guessed it I'm awake before the alarm but surprisingly enough I did sleep. Josephine and I get up, I don't know why she's up because she's not going anywhere. I'm the one doing all the dirty work. When we head out it's black as two in the morning and we have to get to the hut (or as us hunters call it the hide). As soon as we get out the door there are wild animals right there in front of us! Three raccoons! For real! Right there! Mike scares them with the torch (now I know you Americans are thinking we have a big stick with a flame on it but no it was a flashlight) and then we have to go in the same direction as the wild animals went! I'm freaking out and I can't see two feet in front of me! Ok I can do this, deep breath. I forgot to say Mike is in full camouflage gear while I'm in a pair of 3/4 length jeans and Skechers. Anyway we get to the hut and climb inside. It's tiny with a wooden bench but I do get a cushion to sit on although with a butt the size of mine it feels like I'm sitting on a Kleenex. We settle in for the kill and Mike loads the gun. A .50 caliber rifle no less. Have you ever sat beside someone with a loaded gun before? Well let me tell you, I was following all the rules, I kept my eyes peeled and my mouth well and truly shut. In fact if truth be told I was scared to move a muscle! I just looked out the window and only talked when I was talked to in a very quiet whisper. Then to my left I spot a doe, a deer, a female deer (ok I know you're laughing at this. I was actually thinking this at the time.) I nudge Mike and I'm kinda proud of myself because I spotted it first but panicking that he will shoot it and I'll have to watch but no we don't shoot doe's only buck's. I did not know that thank god. Two more doe come along and head into our field then something gets their attention and it looks like they are staring right at me then they run off thank god. I feel like my mind melding with the deer worked "Run, flee for your life!" Now if I can keep this up I won't have to kill anything but Mike decides to bring out the big guns the, wait for it......"Buck Commander" from duck dynasty! For real! He bought one from that place in Louisiana. He starts blowing in it to get the bucks to come out but thankfully they don't and I'm so relieved I get to go back and still look tough in front of Josephine with bragging rights intact for a long time or until she grows a pair.  We get back to the house and I'm so full of myself, bragging and laughing and giving Josephine such a hard time then Mike says

 

"So Izzi you want to go out again just before sunset?"

Me "Sure I'd love to" (fuck!)

Me "Hey Smug Git, you want to go?" (I was trying to get on his good side)

SG "No, no worries, you can go"

Me "Cool thanks" (fuck!)

Ok to cut a long story short I went back out, saw lots and lots of doe but once again no buck. My mind melding was still working.

I think Josephine was rather pissed off at me and decided to go out the next morning and what would you know. They did get a buck and Smug Git (Josephine no more) helped with all the dirty work that goes with killing animals. The stuff I don't want to know about when I'm tucking into a nice steak dinner.

What a nice weekend with at last something to write about.

Serious bit

I do want to remind y'all I am riding in the MS150 and if some of you could spare a few dollars to sponsor me it might help me get fired up about training so please give it some thought. Here is my link

 

Thanks for reading. Iz

Moan,Moan,Moan!

As you have gathered since I have not written anything for 3 weeks there’s not a lot going on in my house at the moment. Well there’s a lot of lying on the sofa and stuffing my fat face but besides that not a lot else.  So I've been struggling to think of something to blog about and I know I've spoken to friends who will tell me just write about anything “we’ll read it” and “it’ll be funny” oh and believe me when I tell you there are tons of stuff I’d love to write about but I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings or piss anyone off ranting about politics and anyway this blog was supposed to be about my failures and successes on my journey to better health. Well “how is that working out for you?” I can hear you all say and I‘d quickly answer y’all back as politely as I could and say “Fuck off its not” oh and I’m in one god awful foul mood today! (And the bloody mouse on this computer is not working properly Arrg!)

So why am I in a foul mood today? Well I take it you all remember the lite beer debacle?  The community service (done) alcohol awareness (1/2 done) but I’m not sure if I mentioned the court costs $450 (paid).  So all in all it’s on the way to being done and dusted all in the allotted time. Ok good let’s move on, put it behind us and let’s not drag it up ever again like good mothers do. (Yeah, but not sure I fit into that category so I’ll have to save that little chestnut for later). I know, I know, all you perfect mothers out there rolling your eyes. Stop rolling your eyes or I’m going to have to talk about something else that irritates the hell out of me – “Beg, Barter, Buy and sell” - This is our local community Facebook page that allows only people in our neighborhood  to list whatever shite they see fit to sell. Now don’t get me wrong sometimes there may be the occasional wee gem on there but a lot of the time it’s tat! Really, honestly - A 3 ringed binder for $3, leaf and tree cleaner $2 or how about some fake red apples a snip at $3.  I’m sure one night I saw left over spaghetti bolognaise from an absolutely delicious dinner, yours for $1.50 (no I’m just joking about that, that wasn't on there long I bought it yumm!)But seriously people could you just not ask your friends and give them away or better still donate it to a good cause there are tons of them out there. 

But I guess you’re still wondering why I’m in a bad mood and I haven’t really explained it I've just ranted on for a bit well here goes I don’t know if you remember or if you even know but Stupid son wanted a dog, this was way before litebeergate  and I was not one bit happy about it and tried all my powers of reasoning to talk him out of it. You know the usual, dogs are not just for Christmas blah, blah, blah, the cost, the vets, the where does he go when you’re not there. All the sensible stuff but Stupid arse in his wisdom spoke to his dad Stupid Arse mark 2 and off they duly trotted to the animal shelter to pick up a rescue dog (albeit a very cute dog) but a dog none the less. As you can imagine I was not happy and that day when Stupid Arse and the dug left for school I cried my eyes out. I did not cry when I took him to college and left him there but was sobbing when he went with that bloody dog.  Is school not hard enough without the added problems of a dog? Enough said. Oh and that’s still not the reason I’m in a foul mood. Well the dog has been there for, I would say close on 6 weeks now and Smug Git comes in and tells me that we have to go and withdraw $400 from our bank account for Stupid Arses apartment complex because he has a dug! Wait, What? We have to pay another $400 to the apartment? None of you two idiots thought to check the apartments out before you got the dug! Arrrrg! I really feel like I’m handcuffed to idiots! Where the hell is he going to find $400 dollars from? No! Wait! I take it all back… Does anyone want to buy my favorite Gin glass? Used often but with lots of love $400 obo!

Deep breath.

Rant over… And… Relax

Ok other news. I’m just going to ask the question - What’s wrong with a wee bit of alcohol at breakfast if it’s for medicinal purposes? That’d be ok right? I know, I know - Wrong! Well we found a new homeopathic remedy for my arthritis and it’s 9 gin soaked raisins a day. So basically you put the golden raisins (must be golden) in a bowl and cover them with gin. Leave them till all the gin has soaked in and eat 9 a day not 8 or 10 just 9. I’m not quite sure what will happen if you deviate from the amount but I’m sticking to the rules. So far if truth be told it’s not made a blind bit of difference but I do have a wee chuckle every time I eat them and they taste great. I think they’d be even better on your frosties.  

Sorry about all the moaning this week but check out the serious bit there might be a wee moan in there but read on…

Serious bit

10/11/12 was the first day to sign up to do the MS150 for 2013 and as I've always said last year was a huge achievement for me but I did sign up as a dare and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Now what to do about this year, I know what’s in front of me and how hard it was and how much of a cry baby bitch I was a lot of the time and how I've really not done a lot during the summer months. It was time to make up my mind. Do I go for it again? Or do I just check it off my bucket list as done and go back to the sofa? A huge part of me wants to do that because who likes hard work? And y’all know how hard it was for me and now knowing about the hills, the no alcohol, the early starts, no relaxing weekends (ok I need to stop here I’m totally talking myself out of this) but I’m really happy to say that I have signed up to do the 2013 MS150 from Houston to Austin on April 21 and 22.  So if any of you fancy a wee spin round the neighborhood PM me or call. I need all the help I can get!  Oh and now I should have more to blog about Yeah!

Thanks for reading see y’all next time,  love Iz

Here is my link if you’d like to help me reach my goal of $1000.

Book him Danno, murder one!

Well isn't technology a wonderful thing? I've just discovered how to write my blog while lying on the sofa. Oh the inactivity of it! I can feel the pounds returning as I type with my one finger (well it is hard to write while balancing the iPad on my left boob).

This week was a very interesting week. Before I tell you all about it I'll get the biking and diet bit out of the way, I promise it won't take long since I've done none of it, I've been on the bike twice in the last two weeks and I've eaten everything in my path that doesn't have a pulse. End of the healthy bit (told you it wouldn't take long).

Ok first things first I probably should not be writing this and I'm sure some of you will be horrified and some of you might judge me but hey what's new so here goes. I have to go back a few weeks to start.

A couple of Sunday mornings ago the phone rung at 9:30am and Greek Adonis (from this point on will be known as Stupid Son) tells Smug Git the night before he got caught outside with a beer and got a ticket for a MIP (for my international friends that's a Minor In Possession of alcohol) when I say alcohol it was a lite beer! I mean really if you’re going to be stupid enough to get a MIP could you at least make sure it's with a real beer and not the lite shite.  To be honest I don't know how y'all don't know about this because I'm sure that Sunday morning the whole of Texas could hear me shouting and screaming like a banshee. He then gets a court date of October 6th and I have to get a day off to go up with him because Smug Git is away and here's where it gets funny.

The first thing is he does not own a nice pair of pants or decent pair of dress shoes and I don't really want to spend money on buying him any so I look in his brothers closet and find everything I need however the shoes are a size 11 and SS is only a 9.5 but Smug Git who should now be known as Stupid Arse (ha funny like father like son) thinks he can just wear two pairs of sock and this will be fine.  I head off to Bryan Tx and I hate driving because I don't know where I'm going and we have a new car that I can't work but I have my sat/nav and I'm good to go. I head up the road with my music blaring, singing along and the album I'm listening to ends but I don't or rather can't change it because that would mean taking my hand off the steering wheel and not looking at the road. A no no for me so I have to spend the rest of the journey listening to Christmas music - oh and not just any old Christmas music – It’s Rascal Flats Christmas music! Well we are in Texas after all.

I arrive at SS's in plenty of time for his court appearance and give him the clothes and shoes. He takes one look at the shoes and starts to laugh.

SS "Are you serious? I can't wear those shoes"

Me "They'll be fine, just wear two pairs of socks"

SS "No way! I look like I have clown shoes on"

Me "Don't be so dramatic!"

But they did look like clown shoes and I was trying hard not to laugh but then he started laughing and lifted up his trouser leg to reveal about 2" between his heel and the heel of the shoe. Needless to say he did not wear the shoes.  We head off to court and SS is a bag of nerves. We get to the waiting room and I'm the only mother there. Not only that but I'm the only woman! It's all redneck teenagers with not a pair of pants or shoes between them it's all cowboy boots, shiny buckles and jeans. We then go into court and SS tells me not to say anything and of course having a last name that begins with W means I get to hear what everyone else is there for. It was better than reality TV! Well not quite, it was all bald tires and out of date inspection stickers but what was funny was every kid gave the same excuse.

Redneck kid "Uh I'd just moved here and forgot"

Judge "Is it fixed?"

Redneck "Yes sir"

Judge "Case dismissed!"

Somehow I don't think that'll happen when it's our turn!

Then this other kid goes up and SS tells me that he was drinking with him. However he got a ticket for MIC (Minor In Consumption of alcohol). So wait!! Now it all makes sense to me! SS was not drinking, he was just holding it for someone else (wink, wink). Right?

 

Outcome: SS gets 8 hours community service and has to attend two alcohol awareness programs and 3 month probation. If he completes all that then it will not go on his record (thank god) I asked him later "So what did you learn from this?" Answer:  Don't drink outside!!!!

Arrrg!

Serious bit...

When does it get easier being a parent? 

Look out Bradley Wiggins

I think you all know that I started a new job at the end of the summer and I’m working with 2 year olds.  Now if you would have asked me if I want to work with them say last year but really if you would have asked me ever to work with 2 year olds I would have laughed at you and said never!  You know what they say, never say never and here I am with the toddlers and more to the point, I love it! Some days I just laugh and laugh… Well, if I’m not gagging at the little snot sucker. So the other day in class I had on this blue top that I’ve worn tons of times at work, it’s not a low cut cleavage showing top and it’s not a polo neck. (turtle neck for my American friends) Say somewhere in between. Anyway every time I sat down these two little boys came over and wanted to sit on my lap and would then proceed to drive whatever vehicle they were playing with, be it a Hummer or a truck down my cleavage!  I’m not joking I ended up standing up for most of the day. Bloody children!

On Friday morning I woke up with that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach since I knew that my first bike ride of the season was fast approaching and I had not been out on the road since the MS150 in April. I have however been on the trainer pretty regularly but as I say not on the road. I was crapping myself I was so worried that I had to go for a quick choir practice after work. Just to calm the nerves you understand. That worked for a little while but I knew I couldn’t keep singing so after a couple of songs I thought an early night would be the best thing to do. 

Saturday morning and we were up bright and early and I was even more nervous. So much so I could hardly eat my breakfast (joking – I can always eat!) and that I think is where all my problems start.  I begin to doubt myself; Can I get out of the clips? Will I be able to ride 27 miles? What if I hate riding or what if it’s like those first few rides when I nearly kill myself? I’m so worried that I’m actually thinking about not going. You know when you really, really don’t want to do something (me, it’s usually flying) so you start to hope you get sick or worse one of the kids get sick (I know I’m a terrible mother)  then you have the perfect reason to not do it and everyone will understand? Well that’s the stage I’m at on Saturday morning but me being me I don’t like fear to beat me,  it was a very good cause and I did have sponsors,  so get a grip woman and get it done.

We get to the ride and the weather is so nice there are lots of people there or as Robert would say a saddle of saddos. Oh and some radio personalities although I’m not quite sure how you recognize someone from the radio, I was all kitted out and ready – well as ready as I’ll ever be – and, as always, just to add to the excitement (nerves) you have to wait till it’s your group to go, now I’m just bitching and moaning, I want to get going and I’m sure at this point Smug Git is wishing he could drive a truck right over me never mind down my cleavage! Then hooray they call our group and we set off, well let me tell you it was awesome. I loved every single minute of it, I’m actually excited as I write this! I don’t know what I was worried about it was like riding a bike (ok I’m sorry I could not resist that one) I felt like I was flying along those roads. We stopped at the first rest stop and I was enjoying it so much we rode right past the last rest stop. To be fair the ride was in Katy Texas which is as flat as a pancake but it felt so good to be back outside on my lovely shiny new bike (not so shiny now). Y’all know I’m not into stats but SG has just brought my stats for yesterday (along with a beer what a man) so I thought I would share them.  I rode an average of 12.7 mph and a maximum of 20.8 mph It took us 2 hours and 20 minutes and I cycled 29.46 miles I’m so excited I feel great about those stats and I can’t wait to get back out next Saturday.

Today I decided to go bike barn our local bike shop to spend a voucher I had and while I was there I got talking to the very serious bike guy remember last year he told me he did not think I was talking bike riding serious enough? Well wait till  tell you what he said to me today.

Serious guy “So how many miles are you riding at the weekends now”

Me “Did 29 yesterday” I have to say I think this is how Smug Git must feel all the time!

Serious guy “Wow! That's not too bad”

I have a big smug cheesy grin on my face anyway you know what it’s like when you have money you can never find anything you want and I needed to spend my voucher today so SG ended up with some new peddles, we are standing at the cash register and oh my god! I’m so excited, serious guy comes over and says to me (wait for it)…..”So I think you should ride with us on a Saturday morning at 7:15am”. Wait! Did he just ask me out on a date? Ha, ha, ha better that that I, me, yes I’m going to say it again he told me I could ride with bike barn! Ha, I’m so excited I could scream.  Does that make me a cyclist? Why yes I think it does! Will I go? Hmm maybe yes but not just yet. I’m not sure I’m ready for that right now but I will go soon (I promise).  

My plan for the week ahead is to get back on the bike in the mornings and perhaps venture out round the neighborhood and next weekend out somewhere for a long bike ride can’t wait.

Serious bit….

I’m not looking for money. (Not yet)

Thanks for reading see y’all next week.  Iz x 

There I Go Changing My Mind Again

First things first this was going to be my last blog (I know you’re all so sad) and I mean that sincerely, not sad as in losers, sad as in unhappy… oh never mind! Anyway I’d made up my mind.  How long can you read a blog about losing weight and getting fit when the blogger is not really doing either?

So y’all know I’ve been known to partake in a small adult beverage but only on high days and holidays (you do know I can write that with a straight face?) well as luck would have it one of those high days came up on Thursday evening.  My friend Amanda had some family over from Scotland and I jumped at the chance to go right over after work. I was really looking forward to seeing her brother Robert, his partner Dean, their friend Paul and cousin Mo. You know who you are folks - I’ve just changed your names to protect the innocent. And by the way Robert makes the best gin and tonics EVER!

Anyway I’m about half way down my first gin and we start talking about my blog. Robert tells me that he reads it every week, and I have to say he was a great supporter during my training. Then Paul say’s “oh aye, I read it too, I read it when I was in the Ukraine and one of their pals read it in Russia. Well you can imagine how happy I was. Then I told them the news that I was done.

Me “Well I really appreciate it but I’m not going to blog anymore”

Robert “What? Why?

Me “Who wants to read a blog about losing weight and getting fit if I’m a lazy fat shite?

Robert “I really like reading about all the everyday funny stuff”

Me “seriously?”

Robert “Yeah it’s really funny”

Me “Bloody hell, I was so sure it was all about me losing weight”

So that made me think maybe I’ll just keep blogging about my unsuccessful attempts to lose weight and get fit and just blog about all of the crazy stuff that happens in my life. Thanks Robert!

Having said all that remember when I lost 34 pounds? Well the summer holidays happened and I could feel myself putting it back on and I had this bag of fat clothes in my closet that I had not gotten round to taking to the charity shop.  One morning I was getting ready to go to work and all my work stuff was getting a tad tight and for a moment I thought about going into the fat bag and getting something to wear but thankfully I managed to squeeze myself into something. Pronto the bag was taken that day to the shop and then I went on to weight watchers. The news was not good. I want to lie to y’all and say I just put on a couple of pounds but the fat lady is back. Not as fat as she was, but back none the less. I am happy to say that I weighed in last night and lost 5lbs so woo-hoo for me and I am not drinking tonight so I can go ride my bike tomorrow.  

Are you all suitably impressed?

Ok so what happened funny this week? Well let me start by telling you I have this problem. When someone, anyone asks me to volunteer I always have this wee speech ready about how busy I am and I’d love too but no I can’t. So when someone asks it usually goes something like this:

Volunteer coordinator “Hey Izzi, would you like to help us out by signing on to be on our committee?”

Me “… … Yeah sure, what can I do?”

Every bloody time. I just can’t say no.

So you guessed it I’m, wait for it - the table organizer for a senior thing at high school.  We have our first night at selling tickets and as luck would have it we sell 12 tables. The cost of a table is $250 to $350 and my job is to bring all the cheques to my house, do some spread sheet thing and whatever. Anyway as I leave the sale I say “Ok, do not let me lose this folder”.  2 hours later I get a call from one of my friends and she says to me “Izzi - Just so you don’t worry we have the folder! You left it in a classroom at the school” Fuck!!! The one job I had was don’t lose the folder and of course I lost the folder with close to $3000 dollars in it! I think my days of being asked to volunteer are almost at an end! But wait, who finds the folder? Only the chairperson of the committee! What are the chances that it’s her that gets it? I have to then go over to her house and apologize profusely and she’s all laughing and saying “oh it’s fine don’t worry about it no problem” but I know she must be thinking stupid, stupid cow! Later I offer to resign my position but of course she will have none of it so needless to say I’m still on the committee still organizing tables but now they are mailing the cheques to me….Funny that!

Serious Bit…

On Saturday 22^nd September I will be riding in my first ride of the season. I am, believe it or not, really excited about it. I’m going to ride about 30 miles and to tell you the truth I have only rode my bike on the trainer over the summer so to say I’m nervous would be an understatement.  A huge thanks to all who have donated to this for me there is still time if you want to help but please keep in mind I will be hounding y’all for money for the 2013 MS150!

Here is the link if you do wish to donate :  https://donations.diabetes.org/site/Donation2?idb=815813241&df_id=9898&FR_ID=8067&PROXY_ID=7470896&PROXY_TYPE=20&9898.donation=form1

S'not Funny!

It’s been two weeks since my last blog and I’m rapidly coming to the conclusion that no-one wants to read about my always failing diets. Although this week was a very good week and I did lose 3 lbs but I’m not quite sure how that happened. Maybe it’s just that I’ve started my new job and the kids have lunch at about 11:30am and that’s way too early for me so I’ve just been having fruit. But I have been on my bike every day so I guess all that together has resulted in a little weight off…  Or - perhaps it was what happened at school on Friday morning that put me off food for the rest of the day! Let me explain… 

The children come into class at 9:00am and this one little girl comes in and sits down at a table. As I turn round to talk to her she sneezes and two big lines of green snot shoot right out from her nose! Now working with children you get used to snot but what I will never ever, ever get used to is when she sucked the snot right into her mouth (believe me when I tell you I’m now gagging into my hands) well as soon as she did this I immediately start gagging and the two girls I work with are at first concerned that I’m ok (because they didn’t see what had just happened) and every time I tried to explain I would just gag and wretch and I could feel that watery feeling you get in your mouth when you are going to vomit. Anyway after I eventually explain all the girls could do was laugh. So needless to say I did not have much of an appetite for the rest of the day and I definitely needed to go for a wee drink after work. Or as the girls at my new job call it - I went to “Choir Practice” (double Choir Practice for me). 

And worst of all I’m not done! Smug Git had been out of town all week and had not heard the snot drama so when I saw him on Saturday morning I started to tell him all about it but unfortunately for me (and him) my allergies were really bad and so while I was telling the story I needed to blow my nose. This had me re-living the whole thing and I ended up actually throwing up all over the bathroom! I’m not kidding even writing this makes me nauseous! I really don’t want to ever think about it again but may need to store it away somewhere safe just in case I need to reuse it for future diet purposes. (Not)

I’m really not doing well at all. I’m having such a tough time with it at the moment I’m hoping that with the kids going back to school tomorrow and everyone getting back into some sort of routine that it will start to fall into place over the next few weeks. Having said that I went shopping today - food shopping and if you know me at all, I hate any kind of shopping but I was at the cash desk and I was perusing the magazines and we all know the magazines are shite and nothing in them is true hence the reason I never buy them. But today one caught my eye, it was Shape with a fabulous photo of that Gillian chick that was on the biggest loser (never watch that show - totally unrealistic) anyway it said, or I thought it said, drop a dress size in 21 days. I’ve just looked at it as I’m writing this and it actually says drop a jeans size in 21 days I so would not have bought it if I say Jeans (don’t ask me why I don’t know I just wouldn’t have) but I did. But OMG! I’m not doing all those exercises for 21 days. No-one would, it was like 10 different exercises; hopscotch, squats, x lunge (whatever the hell that is) and monkey push-ups (again no idea) to make matters worse I’ve just looked at it again and it’s bloody skinny jeans! No one over the age of 30 should be seen dead in skinny jeans (just my humble opinion) and it would take more than one dress or jean size for me because I’m not sure skinny jeans come in sizes 14 (I wish!) or above. It looks like it’s back to the diet drawing board for me, and into the trash can for Shape $5.99 magazine. Unless any of my younger friends want to get into some skinny jeans, the mag is up for grabs….

Serious bit (welcome back)

On the cycling news I’m riding in three weeks September 22^nd in the Tour de Cure. The Tour de Cure Houston is one of many fundraising rides to benefit the American Diabetes Association.

In 2011, more than 55,000 cyclists in 80 events raised more than $18 million to support the mission of the American Diabetes Association: to prevent and cure diabetes and to improve the lives of all people affected by diabetes.

I had intended to fund this one myself so I was not going to ask for money but I thought, why not. If anyone would like to donate any money then please feel free it would be much appreciated (I only need to raise $150).

Here is the link if you wish to donate :  Izzi Weatherly

Or if you want to join the ride or find out more then click here

Dumb Ass Dog!

Anyway you know how last week I was all gung-ho about I’m starting my diet right now - at precisely 12:07 pm Sunday August 5^th 2012! Well if I told you that it did not quite go as planned would you all be surprised? Well I think I know enough of you who read this blog or even enough women and men who diet to know it would not really surprise you in the least.  What is it about dieting that’s so bloody hard? Sunday I’m super focused, I do brilliant then Monday comes along and again I’m going for it big time, counting my points, getting on the bike, I’m totally on a “I can do this” high then Tuesday rolls around and I’m out with my friend and diet cohort Amanda. We are going to have lunch together because this is my last day off for the summer before I go back to work, to give Amanda her dues she want to make us a lovely low fat lunch and my face is like thunder because before I meet her I know I want some Chinese food. So I talk her into it, well if truth be told I didn’t really need to talk her into anything, she was as game as I was. So it was off to the Chinese for us. Mistake number one.  You know what it’s like when you eat Chinese food you’re stuffed at the time but two hours later you’re starving again and you have to force yourself to stay away from the cookie jar (well I do) but happy to say I managed to stay on something that resembled a half decent eating plan.

At this point of writing - bear in mind I’m writing this on Saturday - my food escapades all seem a bit of a blur but I’m pretty sure I did in fact stick to my diet on Wednesday… I think. So I’m going to rush straight to Thursday. That was the day I started my new job, it was an in-service day with a fabulous lunch provided at one of my favorite local restaurants The Red Fish Grill. It wasn’t too bad, I had a nice salad (seriously I did!) then a couple of pieces of sushi, that’s not too bad right? Then some fish, vegetables and rice however it was followed by a lovely slice of carrot cake and before you say anything there’s carrots in it so it’s almost a vegetable! Now lunch on its own would not be too bad but, and here is the big but (literally big butt), in the evening I had to go shopping for Greek Adonis’ birthday presents, Smug Git and I went out to eat after we shopped. I really want to tell y’all that I had another salad but I had two beers, buffalo chicken and fries. What can I say - I’m on a diet? Who can resist fries when they’re on a diet? Please don’t judge me! I went to bed (after a couple of G&Ts) with the crazy notion that I would definitely start again tomorrow. Oh wait… its Greek Adonis’ birthday tomorrow. Shit! Maybe I should just start on Sunday again. I know I could try and start on Saturday but seriously that’s the day I get to eat!

Well as luck would have it on Friday, GA’s birthday, I woke feeling that even though we would all be going out to eat dinner that evening I would really try not to pig out, I have a very low fat breakfast of my delish egg white omelet and I packed a very healthy salad lunch now here is where the luck come in.  Normally I don’t consider my allergies a good thing but on Friday I had them big time don’t really know what was causing them but I could not breath through my nose at all (I know it’s gross) which leads to me not being able to taste or eat anything because thankfully if I have to choose between eating and breathing, believe it or not breathing wins every time. I still had it bad in the evening when we went out for dinner and once again I could not eat, Yeah for allergies!

Ok now I’m thinking I could patent a new diet aid - nose plugs! I bet there would be some idiots out there willing to buy a set….But wait message me in the next 5 minutes and you could receive an extra set absolutely free!

Y’all know I wrote everything before this paragraph on Saturday morning yeah? Well right now its 12:34am, I think its Sunday (tad few adult beverages) let me tell you what has happened in the last few hours. We had some friends over and SG made burgers and they were so good but this is all beside the point because after eating said burger I had a tiny bit stuck in my teeth I'm try to be very discrete and pick the burger out my tooth, as I’m doing that one of my veneers that I paid a fortune for pops off and I hear it fall on the floor, quick as a whip my stupid dumb ass dog gets to it before me and eats the damn veneer, what makes this worse and not funny at all is on Monday we have meet the teacher at my new job and I look like a bloody redneck (why does this only happen to me ?) What the hell am I going to do? I’m thinking this might at least help me on my diet as the tiny piece of tooth that remains is killing me and I can’t bite on anything to make things worse I also had to drink my wine with a straw! The next couple of days may have to be a liquid diet - and this time I don’t mean alcohol - though that would be funny me turning up on Monday with a massive hangover and a front missing tooth introducing myself to the parents in my class. I might not have a job on Tuesday!

Next week is back to work so I’m thinking that getting myself back into a routine will get me back on the straight and narrow.  Check back next week and see how it’s going.

Thanks for reading…..Iz  

When Yes means No and No means Maybe

This week on Thursday I went to see the orthopedic doctor so that he could go over the results of my MRI and as it said in the message I got before hand he confirmed I did have some arthritis in my hip but at the moment other than anti-inflammatories and to lose weight there was really nothing else he could do. And then he went on to say that he thought I would need a hip replacement sometime in the next 5 or 10 years! But y’all would have been proud of me I didn’t cry, I think I was in shock. He did tell me that I could still bike and if I lost more weight that it would help with the pain. Now for the good news - I can’t run (oh thank god for that I bloody hate running.)

I know it all seems a bit doom and gloom but it’s not… Well besides the fact that I’m still fat, still in pain and I’ve put on about 10 pounds over the summer holidays but I see a new challenge in my future. If I can’t do the half marathon, and I know I can’t, I’m going to challenge myself to losing the next fifty pounds to get me to my target by next Aprils MS150 that means my blog will go from learning to ride a bike to learning how to lose all of this weigh and keeping it off. I think that in itself for me is a huge challenge.  Now I would like to tell you I’ll start tomorrow but then I’d just go and pig out for the rest of the day and that would just get me 2 more pounds to take off so I’m going to start right now - at 12:07 pm Sunday August 5^th 2012 (there I’ve said it). Actually now is a good time since I’ve had a humungous breakfast a mere 2 hours ago which consisted of 2 slices of bacon (turkey much to the annoyance of the Greek Adonis), 1 fried egg, and 1½ potato scones (a Scottish delicacy) - all that on a bread roll topped off with a dollop of ketchup. Oh god when I write it all down like that I’m a real pig. I really shouldn’t need to eat for about a week never mind a couple of hours and when I think about it I’ve eaten like this for the last five week no wonder I’ve put about 10 pounds on. So from now on you will just have to listen to me moan and grump about losing weight. I promise I’ll try to keep it funny and I think I’ll add some recipes because I don’t know how funny I’ll be when I’m starving.

All I can think about now is what I’m going to have for dinner tonight.  Why is it when you say you’re on a diet all you think about is food? Do you think those Olympians are always on diets? I saw that commercial where they are all talking about how they got to their Olympic dreams.

“I have not eaten a dessert in over a year”

“That book everyone is talking about - I’ve not read it”

There you go that’s why I’m fat I’ve read the books and ate the desserts!

No, but seriously, what am I going to have for dinner tonight?

I’m off out now to take my mind off food. I’ll add a wee update when I get back and let you know how my first half day back on the diet has worked and I’ll let y’all know what I had for dinner.

Ok then that went better than expected I kept myself busy and did not eat anything till dinner and what did I have I hear you all say well I had a small steak, potatoes and broccoli mmm nice!  But what was hard was talking myself out of drinking anything with it.

Smug Git “you want anything to drink with dinner?”

Me “No” (that was very definite)

Me “well… maybe some wine”

Me “…. No”

Me “Oh what the hell I’ll have a beer” but I did only have one beer so that’s ok…..Right?

My plans for this week is workout every morning and follow my points plan…….Wish me luck! 

Thanks for reading I’m going to go back to writing every week because y’all keep me motivated and I have someone to answer to.

See y’all next week.  Iz

And the results are?

On Sunday evening I was oh so full of myself. I was so going to work out on Monday afternoon and I was starting my healthy eating on Monday too.  I should have really started on Sunday but that would have meant putting down the bottle of beer and humongous sandwich I’d just made so Monday it was.

Monday morning I bounced out of bed and made my egg white and cheese omelet (with a Weight Watchers point value of a mere 3 points). Oh I am so on this! By 2:00 o’clock, my allotted time for working out, the rain was pouring down and it was too wet to go to the gym, it did not rain all day just for about an hour but that was enough time for me to blow off the whole idea of going to the gym. See that’s what happens when you stop training it’s so, so hard to get back to it.  Well at least I did stick to something that resembles a diet. Ok I’ll try again tomorrow!

6:00am Tuesday morning. The alarm goes off and it’s not raining. Will I be able to find any excuses not to go today? No, I think there’s no reason why I can’t get up and start my ½ marathon training, my leg feels good so I’m good to go.  I start to get dressed but I soon realize the leg is not completely better because I need Smug Git to put on my left sock and tie my running shoelace but I’m up and ready so off I go. I set up my iPod, get my water, press go on the “Couch to 5K”.  Ok - I don’t know if any of you have used the couch to 5k app? if not - it’s really good, if you have used it you will know that you have to have that particular app running before you put the music on (well at least I do, I think)anyway it starts with a 5 minute warm up but my 5 minutes was about 20 minutes so obviously I screwed that up. After fixing the app I set off again. At least I was now warm (truth be told I was bloody roasting) but onwards and upwards! The app starts working properly and I start to run and as soon as I do I feel my leg start to hurt but it’s not too bad just a wee niggle, then it’s time to walk so it’s ok. After the walking time the bleep comes on and I know it’s time to run again and once again my leg hurts, but if you know me I just keep running. By the end of the first half I know I can’t run any more as my leg hurts too bad and I have to walk all the way home - about a mile.  I’m not a happy camper!

Ok here is a question for you all. When you’re training - or like me limping home - do you get the commentator in your head talking about how well your doing or even better, when you walk or run past someone else who’s exercising does he get all excited about you overtaking one of the race leaders? This morning’s commentator was all “it’s a tough day here for Izzi. Looks like that left leg is playing her up again. She’ll have to get that sorted if she is going to have any chance of winning the ½ marathon”  ha ha did you like the winning bit? (No? I guess it’s just me then). Now I know I can’t run I think it may be back to cycling a little and using the weights at the gym until after the leg gets sorted.

Right fast forward about a week and I have an appointment to have my MRI with contrast. So the nurse calls me in some fantastic calming medicine because I’m a tad claustrophobic about the machine. I take the diazepam (woo-hoo!) I now realize why people can become addicted to prescription drugs. This little drug is the bomb - I’m as happy as a pig in the proverbial…and calm! This is going to be a breeze… Well until I have to have the big giant needle for the contrast dye now I’m not so happy. Anyway I get the MRI done and now I just have to wait for the results. Five days later the results are in.  So what do you think it is? Well I’ll tell you what it’s not - Nothing is torn. Nothing is trapped. The Vajayjay is not broke (what a relief). It’s wait for it….bloody beginning arthritis. I know! Y’all will remember that that was the first thing I was told four months ago with the first x-ray and do you know what course of action the doctor has told me to follow? Yes you know it. A weight loss plan! Well no shit Sherlock! I could have told him that and saved myself about $500. Seriously and he’s a hip specialist. I think I’m going to become a specialist in something - Probably in weight gain because I’m seriously losing the weight loss plot.  But since it’s only (beginning) arthritis I guess I can start my training in earnest. Oh WTF I was so hoping for a much worse diagnosis now I’ve really no excuses. I know I can do it it’s just starting I’m having the most trouble with, especially in this Texas heat and the fact that I’ve spent the last week using the MRI as my excuse for lying on the sofa watching TV.

Tomorrow is Sunday again and I know it’s a day of rest but the blog is done - just need to post it tomorrow. Now I don’t really like exercising on a Sunday due mostly to the fact that I like to partake in a small adult beverage on a Saturday evening but this weekend Smug Git is back in Scotland so no adult beverages for me I’ll just go to bed about 8:00pm and be good and ready to get up and go run. I think! Wish me luck and I’ll keep you posted.

Thanks for reading (fingers crossed) I’ll see y’all next week fitter and thinner.   Iz