Sunday, November 27, 2011

Happy Hour

So I’m worried all week about what I’m going to blog about because I know y’all really don’t want to read about how I cycled round the neighborhood for 15 miles. That would be as riveting for you as it was for me and believe me it was as dull as dirt. So, what to blog about? I’m really thinking hard and then it comes to me, I know I’ll tell y’all about last Friday. It might actually go down as one of the funniest days I’ve had in ages. I have a bit of a dilemma however. Should I change the names to protect the innocent? Nah WTH! They are big girls, they can handle it. (I think)

Anyway here goes.

Smug Git drives me to Lesley’s house because it’s her turn to drive to work. We’re driving along and the roads are unusually quiet for a Friday morning in Houston, so quiet in fact we get to school way too early, so I say “let’s go to Starbucks and we can get a coffee”. Great idea. We drive up to the board with the list of all the coffees and goodies and then proceed to start reading out everything that’s on there, mmm, scones, shortcake, strawberry parfait, for us normal people out there that’s just strawberries, yogurt and a wee bit of cereal.

Lesley “I don’t want a coffee I’ve got one here”

Me” I’ll have a skinny cafĂ© late with an extra shot of espresso (coz I’m on a diet!)

Lesley “Really? You don’t really drink coffee”

Me “I know but I’m not paying $3.50 for a tea and I’m tired”

So she drives forward and starts looking all around because she can’t find the speaking bit then realizes she drove past it, she opens the window and starts shouting out the order at the top of her voice and it looks like she’s shouting into the electric meter! Well I’m laughing my ass off but to her credit the girl in Starbucks hears her. To be honest I’m sure they heard her in every Starbucks in a ten mile radius. Then we drive up to the pick-up window, the girl hands over the coffee and Lesley tells her she’s got the order wrong! Really! Too funny - It wasn’t wrong she just called it something different. I kid you not it must have looked like we were just off the boat and had never been to a drive thru before. Then we head off to work – Wait for it… We get stuck behind a train and are late for work.

Later in the morning it’s one of the kids birthday and the mom brings in a cake. Oh my, this cake was amazing! So I just had to have a wee bit just to taste and make sure it was fit for human consumption. Wow it was great and that wee bit ended up as a giant bit. Well I did have a skinny latte, right?

Ok it’s funny so far yeah? Not the end of the day yet.

After work Lesley, Beth and I decide to out for a drink. This is starting to be a bit of a regular occurrence, anyway, we usually like to go to any place with a happy hour. This week we’re in luck, we head to Peli Peli, it has a happy hour and we have a groupon (oh happy day!) it’s like your birthday and Christmas all rolled into one you’d think? Well, not so much! The barman informs us that there’s no happy hour on the food anymore (sucks) and there are only a few drinks on the happy hour list. There’s a mojito, I don’t like mint. Bellini, yuck too sweet. I ask “How about the Peli Peli martini?” “Yes”, he tells me “That’s on happy hour” “Well ok then, now you’re talking, I’ll have one of those”. Lesley has a beer and Beth has an $11 glass of wine. Oh yes $11! You can buy a bottle for that price! My martini is delish it comes with blue cheese stuffed olives yum! We look at the menu for some appetizers and all choose one I have the 6 chicken wings for $6 - Not too pricey I think.

A little later Smug Git comes to pick me up, after a few more drinks we ask for the check. Check arrives $80! What? $80! How the hell did that happen! We call the barman over and query the bill, he then tells us the martinis were not on happy hour so we argue with him for a bit and he eventually takes one of the martinis off so that brought it down to $71 and I know you’re all out there thinking how many martinis did she have? She had 2! I was so mad. This was no happy hour. Oh and by the way I’m wearing this t-shirt that says “Wine takes the bitch right out of me” but apparently only after the vodka martinis put it right back in. Anyway we still had the groupon worth $30.

Just before we leave I decide I’m going to ask for a to-go box for my olives but the girls won’t let me. Spoil sports! So we just pay up and go but just before I leave I pick up the two olives, lick them and put them back in the glass! OMG! It’s so funny you should see Beth’s face, she is telling me how disgusting and horrible I am but I’m just laughing.

I turn round and guess what - the barman just pops them in his mouth!!!

I know y’all are screaming in disgust like Beth right now BUT I was kidding he didn’t! I just thought it would be funny to see all your faces if he did. Best part of this day on the way home Lesley text me the groupon did not come off!

Ha, so it was happy hour after all. Cheers!

Serious bit…

Quick update on the diet drama. Yesterday I went to weight watchers and believe me it hurt. I would love to tell you what I weight as a reason to keep me on the straight and narrow but I’m not sure y’all could keep it a secret! My plan for the week is to follow it 100% and see what happens so come back next week for what may be an interesting read I hope.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

The four letter word

After completing my 25 mile bike ride and having to stop the car on the way home about four times because I thought I was going to be sick, I finally get home lay on the sofa for about 3 hours and I make the sad realization there is no freaking way I can ride the MS150 in the shape I’m in. It’s ok laughing and joking on this blog but I’m gonna die if I try this and I know it’s not next week and I have lots of time to train blah, blah, blah. But I’m worried, I love my food and my beer and yes Amanda I know this blog makes me look like I drink too much but seriously, you know me, I do drink too much!

So what to do? Answers on a post card please!

Ok, so I go to work and I’m talking to one of the teachers who will remain nameless, you know who you are Miss Robson! About how I need to lose some weight, well actually a lot of weight and she says to me I followed this diet and it really worked for me so given that she is tall, gorgeous and super slim I think well ok then I’ll try this one. It’s called the 17 day diet. Oh, did I mention it was a carb free diet! Below is a summary of my first 3 days.

Day one Wednesday

2 scrambled egg whites. Really, who eats that shite, it’s tasteless unless it’s topped with bacon! ½ a grapefruit and a cup of green tea. Lunch; salad with tuna and green tea. I’m not joking I’ve got at least 50 pounds to loose but I’ll be dead by 4:00pm at this rate. Anyway I’m pushing through the hunger I have a banana after work and go to the gym. I hope you’re all impressed out there. Talk to Smug Git and he has agreed to make dinner for him and the boys. I come home from the gym and expect their dinner to be over and Smug Git has not even got the pasta water boiling. I am raging! I swear to god I completely lose the plot and throw a banana right across the kitchen and the banana lands… Wait for it… In the fruit bowl! No joke, I could not have done that if I tried. Then Greek Adonis pipes up “Hey, stop throwing bananas or that’s not the only thing that will be bruised!” But I’m so not laughing. I storm off to my bedroom like a spoiled brat, slam the door and throw myself on the bed. Once I’ve calmed down I enjoy my lovely grilled chicken with steamed vegetables mmmm! I think I went to bed about 8:00pm starving.

Day two Thursday

I’m thinking that the idea of this diet is to only eat stuff you don’t like because I have to eat 6oz of plain Greek yogurt. It took me 4 hours to eat it, I started at 6:30am and finished it at 10:10am at my tea break. I don’t think you realize how much 6oz of yogurt is. Let’s just say a lot! I’m not going to bore y’all with the rest of my food intake for the day because besides leafy vegetables there’s not a lot to talk about. Four o’clock it’s off to the gym but this time I’ll swim – oh look at me cross training! I get changed, go into the pool and start swimming. I do 3lengths of the pool and the lifeguard blows the whistle and calls out “Pool closed” -WHAT! Is he serious? Words can’t begin to express how mad I am. Honestly I’m pissed right off. There’s a swimming instructor on the side right next to me and I ask her “Is he having a laugh?” Oh no ma’am - Don’t start with the ma’am thing. But then I spot a manager and I call him over and start shouting at him bear in mind I’m in the pool, he is on the deck and I’m just ranting and raving about disrespect, crap staff, anything I can think off. I get out of the pool and get changed. I’ve been in the gym a total of 15 minutes so I go out find the manager and start shouting at him again and cancel my membership and demand a refund NOW which I get, but I don’t feel any better. You know what I really need? A big carb laden baked potato, but no, I go home and have my grilled fish. It’s only day 2. I’m sure it will get better tomorrow. Right?

Day 3 Friday

Still no carbs but I do get 2 hardboiled eggs for breakfast, well that’s good. I’m feeling happy today, like I’ve actually eaten food, yeah! Today we have PE and I think instead of just looking the part I will do the class. For a warm up we play battle ships, you know the game where someone call out port, starboard, north and south and you have to run to that position. Wow those kids are fast and it was so much fun especially when the teacher calls out “woman and children first” a bunch of them (note the banana reference) are all running with me and when she calls this out they all try to sit on my back, so funny. Needless to say I did not win this game but I laughed so hard, I think as grownups we should play games more often and I did not think of carbs once.

Friday night out. So, quick question… Is alcohol a carb? Yeah, I know the answer to that question. Had a bit of a carb over load and I don’t think you’ll be surprised to hear I felt very calm and relaxed. Carbs are a wonderful thing but I know y’all will be disappointed that no bananas were thrown BUT WAIT I did have a stand up fight with Smug Git in the middle of What-a-burger parking lot and I know before you say it there’s carbs in burgers but needless to say I did not get one but I did go home in another stinker of a mood and stuff my face with 2 bits of cold pizza and after that I crammed as many whoppers (malteesers) in my mouth as I could get and believe me when I say the word hamster springs to mind.

Ok three days or should I say 2 and a half days of no carbs is 2 and a half too many. Miss Robson I take my hat off to you, that’s why you’re thin and gorgeous. And I’ll just have to be content with being calm and fat. My god that was an experience I don’t want to repeat any time soon.

So back to the diet drawing board, if any of you out there know of a way to help me lose weight or are willing to pay for surgery I’m open to all suggestions or donations. I know I should be looking for donations for MS150 but I’m thinking that can weight. (Pun intended) Oh and by the way this is week 6 of this stupid endeavor and I’ve cycled a total of 113 miles lost wait for it… 3 pounds WTF!!!

To donate not for weight loss but to help me reach my $400 MS150 goal follow this link:

Sunday, November 13, 2011

F*@#ing stupid blog!

Due to unforeseen circumstances I’m blogging about today. Last weeks blog while funny will have to wait till next week. During this week I was a bit worried that I would run out of things to blog about so when Smug Git asked me if I wanted to do a 25 mile training ride on Sunday, given that I had did 13 miles the weekend before and as I said I was worried I would have nothing to blog about I stupidly said yes sure!

So it’s Sunday morning and I’ve committed to ride the Elves and More 25 mile bike ride. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking she’ll never do that and I’m thinking the same thing too. This is the last thing I want to do.

F*@#ing stupid blog!

I had to miss a night out last night because I was so tired and was so worried about this. Anyway I’m lying in bed is 5:30am with butterflies, a dodgy tummy, a stiff neck and I feel sick. Who’s stupid idea was this?

Stupid Smug Git.

Stupid bike ride.

Stupid shiny bike.

Stupid F*@#ing blog.

Oh then I get up in the dark and stub my wee toe. arggh!

I look over at SG and I ask “what are you doing?”

SG “Looking at the weather”

Me “Do you have to ride in the rain?”

SG “Yep”

What! If there is a God up there please don’t make it rain. But you know Gods up there going ok lady I’ll give you something to blog about!

7:24am and I’m in the car. What the hell am I doing? God must have had a lie in this morning because sky is clear. She so missed her chance to rain on me ha! Thanks God.

We are just getting to the parking lot and there’s about 15 cars parked. What, I got out of bed for this. Are you kidding me? Wait that’s the church parking lot - we’re going to the high school. We get there and there’s about 100 cars there and eww! All the guys have their tops off. Why! Dear God why! Can I just say unless you have the perfect body there should be some kind of law against it! I look round and the man in the car next to me has his top off and is so hairy I immediately have an urge to throw him a banana.

WTF! Smug Git has his top off and women & small children are running around bumping into things their eyes are apparently burning. Seriously I feel like we have just driven into some parallel universe. It’s kind of scary.

All the women are supper skinny and fit looking. Oh, I hate these bitches AND they all have the gear on including fancy glasses with wee mirrors attached. I’m not quite sure what they are for except to make the bike rider look ridiculous. I like the glasses on the skinny women.

Apparently SG says women take their tops of at the end. Nice try fat boy.

Exciting news! You get a number to put on you back! Oh I’m so happy, I’m now number 1172. I feel like Lance Armstrong. Are there not any famous women cyclists? Y-izzi-y there is!!! ;)

The bike ride starts with no problems. We stop at 5 miles for a drink (water) then I get a wasp stuck in my helmet. Yup no joke. But I was ok it didn’t sting thankfully. The scenery was so pretty but no time to waste, onwards to first rest stop at 10 miles. Low and behold Santa was there. I’m thinking the Elves thing had something to do with that. I really need a Gatorade but the glasses are like thimbles seriously see picture I’m like “SG look at the size of the glasses” and he starts laughing. Well how was I supposed to know you filled your water bottle Smug Git. I thought we could stay as long as we wanted but we were the last to arrive and they were packing up so I drank my 2 thimbles and it was back on the bike.

Second rest stop was 20 miles no Santa but some very nice volunteers. Big shout out to the people who volunteer, you are all awesome! When I got off the bike here I was so so tired & shaky and I felt sick. I had a drink and something to eat then back on the bike. 5 miles to go but I guess they decided to save the biggest hill till last! There is no way I can get up that hill, not even half way I had to get off and walk up got to the top. When I got there I threw my shiny bike and new helmet down on the grass and wanted to throw up. Oh God I’m so sorry about all the jokes please just get me to the end of this, PLEASE I’ll never drink again please!

I can’t believe I have to get back on can I just walk the rest of the way SG “NO, it’s just right at the traffic lights”. Ok back on we turn right at the light and I can see the sign saying thank you and a truck of young boys come past and start cheering yeah you made it! And that was all I needed I find the last bit of energy I have left and get over the finish line and back to the car!!! Sorry God I had my fingers crossed.

Serious bit…

I’ve just rode 25 miles.

Give me money!

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Sunday, November 6, 2011

Obese! When did that happen?

Well this week I have no work so I can get down to some serious training. Right? But I’m so, so tired I think I’ll just have Monday to sit on the sofa and catch up with the Conrad Murray trial. I switch on court TV or whatever it’s called now and the presenters are like “Hi Izzi, nice to have you back” because before I went back to work full time that was all I watched. Smug Git says Tru TV have been in touch with him to ask where I’ve gone…Anyway I sit on the sofa and eat my way through a small mountain of food - well I am on holiday!

Tomorrow I have the dreaded doctor’s appointment to see if I really should commit to doing this bike ride. I’m secretly hoping she will take one look at me and tell me not to be ridiculous.

The Doctor’s office.

Ok, so for all my many blog followers who don’t live in America this is an experience. First thing I have to do is get weighed. I was thinking I might tell y’all what I weight but I’m not sure y’all can be trusted to keep it a secret so I’ll just keep that little chestnut to myself.

Nurse “do you want a flu shot?”

Me “NO”

Then she starts asking me stupid random questions “how long have I been married… last period… how many children… birth control… do I smoke” then she turns away from me and asks (not looking at me) “would you like to be tested for STD’s?” What the….do I look like I need to be tested? I’m not sure if I should feel insulted or not. Last week the bike shop boy was calling me Ma’am and this week the nurse thinks I look like I may need tested for STD’s!

Or maybe it’s because I’m walking funny after riding my bike!

The doctor comes in looks at my file and tells me going by my weight I fall into the obese category. What is this, insult the patient day because if it is these two are doing a top job!

She then asks me how much I exercise and do I drink alcohol, I tell her I drink a few times a week and she says “let’s say 2 a week” and I kind of laugh a bit and say “well maybe 4” and she says ok and I pray to god she’s talking bottles.
Anyway I tell her I have a plan and that I’m going to do the MS150 and I’m now thinking she’s going to say something along the lines of what are you crazy you’re an obese, alcoholic tramp don’t be so ridiculous but no she’s all wow that’s a great idea you just have to do the training try swimming as well as biking I’m sure you can do it I’ll see you in six months’ time and you can let me know how it goes.

Shit! It might be 9:00am but I need a drink. Now I really have to do this!

Oh well training is back to the drawing board.

Smug Git and I are off to Austin to the finish line since it may be the only time I actually get there. I don’t know if you know this it’s quite a long drive and I’m supposed to ride that on a bike. But as all my lovely friends keep telling me I can do it.

Austin is a fantastic place we saw the bats and found an Irish bar called Fado. The atmosphere was great and the all-day breakfast was awesome however it’s kind off embarrassing when Smug Git wants to lick the plate. Quote is the day SG “I love this place. I don’t know what it is but as soon as you come in here you have to start swearing!” Really?

Ok back to bike stuff. We went to Lance Armstrong’s bike shop called Mellow Johnny’s and he was there and he came over and said “Hey Izzi, love the blog!” Kidding he wasn’t there but we thought we might buy something to make me feel like a real bike rider but to say it was overpriced would be an understatement so we left with nothing.
Back home I did get on the bike and had a very successful seven mile bike ride, oh my things are looking up! Austin here I come.

Serious bit…

Firstly here is my link

Multiple sclerosis (or MS) is a chronic, often disabling disease that attacks the central nervous system (CNS), which is made up of the brain, spinal cord, and optic nerves. Symptoms may be mild, such as numbness in the limbs, or severe, such as paralysis or loss of vision. The progress, severity, and specific symptoms of MS are unpredictable and vary from one person to another. Today, new treatments and advances in research are giving new hope to people affected by the disease.

MS is Thought to be an Autoimmune Disease. The body’s own defense system attacks myelin, the fatty substance that surrounds and protects the nerve fibers in the central nervous system. The nerve fibers themselves can also be damaged. The damaged myelin forms scar tissue (sclerosis), which gives the disease its name. When any part of the myelin sheath or nerve fiber is damaged or destroyed, nerve impulses traveling to and from the brain and spinal cord are distorted or interrupted, producing the variety of symptoms that can occur.

Most people with MS learn to cope with the disease and continue to lead satisfying, productive lives.

By donating to my page we can help the National MS Society move forward toward a world without MS and making a difference in the lives of 400,000 Americans with multiple sclerosis.