Sunday, December 9, 2012

Wabbit Season!

I know I have not written a blog in a while and to tell you the truth that was for two reasons. One, I know as soon as I write something I'm seriously going to have to start working on losing weight and I'll have to actually get on the bike again and, two, nothing remotely funny or otherwise has happened to me lately. Well that is until this weekend! So now I'm writing this and I'll have to start the diet and the bike riding but best of all I get to tell you about my weekend.

Smug Git and I were invited to go hunting with our good friends the Howard's. Now I'm not really a hunting kind of girl and have tried several times in the past say 20 odd years being vegetarian but like most of the things I try I failed miserably (seriously who can live without bacon?) but as you know I do love any opportunity to partake in a few alcoholic beverages so I was mad keen to go and live it up out in the country. We pack up Friday after work and head out. As we are leaving Smug Git tells me that he also will not be hunting. Ok really? We are invited on a hunting weekend and none of us are going to do it. So there and then I decide I will do it, I'll shoot the bloody thing! Or at least be there when Mike shoots it. So from here on in Smug Git will now be known as Josephine (the big girls blouse.)

Friday evening we have a really nice dinner but I'm a bag of nerves due, obviously to the fact that I will be killing an animal the next morning so to get us in the mood we watch the deer hunter ha ha ha just kidding we watch a few episodes of duck dynasty. Now I don't know if you've ever watched this wee gem, but it is so funny! I recommend y'all catching an episode and I know you're thinking what does this have to do with deer hunting but it will all become clear later.  When its time for bed Josephine sets the alarm for me at 5:50am on a Saturday morning so I can go hunt, like I need an alarm I'll be awake all night worrying about it.

5:50am and you guessed it I'm awake before the alarm but surprisingly enough I did sleep. Josephine and I get up, I don't know why she's up because she's not going anywhere. I'm the one doing all the dirty work. When we head out it's black as two in the morning and we have to get to the hut (or as us hunters call it the hide). As soon as we get out the door there are wild animals right there in front of us! Three raccoons! For real! Right there! Mike scares them with the torch (now I know you Americans are thinking we have a big stick with a flame on it but no it was a flashlight) and then we have to go in the same direction as the wild animals went! I'm freaking out and I can't see two feet in front of me! Ok I can do this, deep breath. I forgot to say Mike is in full camouflage gear while I'm in a pair of 3/4 length jeans and Skechers. Anyway we get to the hut and climb inside. It's tiny with a wooden bench but I do get a cushion to sit on although with a butt the size of mine it feels like I'm sitting on a Kleenex. We settle in for the kill and Mike loads the gun. A .50 caliber rifle no less. Have you ever sat beside someone with a loaded gun before? Well let me tell you, I was following all the rules, I kept my eyes peeled and my mouth well and truly shut. In fact if truth be told I was scared to move a muscle! I just looked out the window and only talked when I was talked to in a very quiet whisper. Then to my left I spot a doe, a deer, a female deer (ok I know you're laughing at this. I was actually thinking this at the time.) I nudge Mike and I'm kinda proud of myself because I spotted it first but panicking that he will shoot it and I'll have to watch but no we don't shoot doe's only buck's. I did not know that thank god. Two more doe come along and head into our field then something gets their attention and it looks like they are staring right at me then they run off thank god. I feel like my mind melding with the deer worked "Run, flee for your life!" Now if I can keep this up I won't have to kill anything but Mike decides to bring out the big guns the, wait for it......"Buck Commander" from duck dynasty! For real! He bought one from that place in Louisiana. He starts blowing in it to get the bucks to come out but thankfully they don't and I'm so relieved I get to go back and still look tough in front of Josephine with bragging rights intact for a long time or until she grows a pair.  We get back to the house and I'm so full of myself, bragging and laughing and giving Josephine such a hard time then Mike says
"So Izzi you want to go out again just before sunset?"

Me "Sure I'd love to" (fuck!)

Me "Hey Smug Git, you want to go?" (I was trying to get on his good side)

SG "No, no worries, you can go"

Me "Cool thanks" (fuck!)

Ok to cut a long story short I went back out, saw lots and lots of doe but once again no buck. My mind melding was still working.

I think Josephine was rather pissed off at me and decided to go out the next morning and what would you know. They did get a buck and Smug Git (Josephine no more) helped with all the dirty work that goes with killing animals. The stuff I don't want to know about when I'm tucking into a nice steak dinner.

What a nice weekend with at last something to write about.

Serious bit

I do want to remind y'all I am riding in the MS150 and if some of you could spare a few dollars to sponsor me it might help me get fired up about training so please give it some thought. Here is my link


Thanks for reading. Iz

Sunday, October 28, 2012


As you have gathered since I have not written anything for 3 weeks there’s not a lot going on in my house at the moment. Well there’s a lot of lying on the sofa and stuffing my fat face but besides that not a lot else.  So I've been struggling to think of something to blog about and I know I've spoken to friends who will tell me just write about anything “we’ll read it” and “it’ll be funny” oh and believe me when I tell you there are tons of stuff I’d love to write about but I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings or piss anyone off ranting about politics and anyway this blog was supposed to be about my failures and successes on my journey to better health. Well “how is that working out for you?” I can hear you all say and I‘d quickly answer y’all back as politely as I could and say “Fuck off its not” oh and I’m in one god awful foul mood today! (And the bloody mouse on this computer is not working properly Arrg!)

So why am I in a foul mood today? Well I take it you all remember the lite beer debacle?  The community service (done) alcohol awareness (1/2 done) but I’m not sure if I mentioned the court costs $450 (paid).  So all in all it’s on the way to being done and dusted all in the allotted time. Ok good let’s move on, put it behind us and let’s not drag it up ever again like good mothers do. (Yeah, but not sure I fit into that category so I’ll have to save that little chestnut for later). I know, I know, all you perfect mothers out there rolling your eyes. Stop rolling your eyes or I’m going to have to talk about something else that irritates the hell out of me – “Beg, Barter, Buy and sell” - This is our local community Facebook page that allows only people in our neighborhood  to list whatever shite they see fit to sell. Now don’t get me wrong sometimes there may be the occasional wee gem on there but a lot of the time it’s tat! Really, honestly - A 3 ringed binder for $3, leaf and tree cleaner $2 or how about some fake red apples a snip at $3.  I’m sure one night I saw left over spaghetti bolognaise from an absolutely delicious dinner, yours for $1.50 (no I’m just joking about that, that wasn't on there long I bought it yumm!)But seriously people could you just not ask your friends and give them away or better still donate it to a good cause there are tons of them out there. 

But I guess you’re still wondering why I’m in a bad mood and I haven’t really explained it I've just ranted on for a bit well here goes I don’t know if you remember or if you even know but Stupid son wanted a dog, this was way before litebeergate  and I was not one bit happy about it and tried all my powers of reasoning to talk him out of it. You know the usual, dogs are not just for Christmas blah, blah, blah, the cost, the vets, the where does he go when you’re not there. All the sensible stuff but Stupid arse in his wisdom spoke to his dad Stupid Arse mark 2 and off they duly trotted to the animal shelter to pick up a rescue dog (albeit a very cute dog) but a dog none the less. As you can imagine I was not happy and that day when Stupid Arse and the dug left for school I cried my eyes out. I did not cry when I took him to college and left him there but was sobbing when he went with that bloody dog.  Is school not hard enough without the added problems of a dog? Enough said. Oh and that’s still not the reason I’m in a foul mood. Well the dog has been there for, I would say close on 6 weeks now and Smug Git comes in and tells me that we have to go and withdraw $400 from our bank account for Stupid Arses apartment complex because he has a dug! Wait, What? We have to pay another $400 to the apartment? None of you two idiots thought to check the apartments out before you got the dug! Arrrrg! I really feel like I’m handcuffed to idiots! Where the hell is he going to find $400 dollars from? No! Wait! I take it all back… Does anyone want to buy my favorite Gin glass? Used often but with lots of love $400 obo!

Deep breath.

Rant over… And… Relax

Ok other news. I’m just going to ask the question - What’s wrong with a wee bit of alcohol at breakfast if it’s for medicinal purposes? That’d be ok right? I know, I know - Wrong! Well we found a new homeopathic remedy for my arthritis and it’s 9 gin soaked raisins a day. So basically you put the golden raisins (must be golden) in a bowl and cover them with gin. Leave them till all the gin has soaked in and eat 9 a day not 8 or 10 just 9. I’m not quite sure what will happen if you deviate from the amount but I’m sticking to the rules. So far if truth be told it’s not made a blind bit of difference but I do have a wee chuckle every time I eat them and they taste great. I think they’d be even better on your frosties.  
Sorry about all the moaning this week but check out the serious bit there might be a wee moan in there but read on…

Serious bit

10/11/12 was the first day to sign up to do the MS150 for 2013 and as I've always said last year was a huge achievement for me but I did sign up as a dare and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Now what to do about this year, I know what’s in front of me and how hard it was and how much of a cry baby bitch I was a lot of the time and how I've really not done a lot during the summer months. It was time to make up my mind. Do I go for it again? Or do I just check it off my bucket list as done and go back to the sofa? A huge part of me wants to do that because who likes hard work? And y’all know how hard it was for me and now knowing about the hills, the no alcohol, the early starts, no relaxing weekends (ok I need to stop here I’m totally talking myself out of this) but I’m really happy to say that I have signed up to do the 2013 MS150 from Houston to Austin on April 21 and 22.  So if any of you fancy a wee spin round the neighborhood PM me or call. I need all the help I can get!  Oh and now I should have more to blog about Yeah!

Thanks for reading see y’all next time,  love Iz

Here is my link if you’d like to help me reach my goal of $1000.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Book him Danno, murder one!

Well isn't technology a wonderful thing? I've just discovered how to write my blog while lying on the sofa. Oh the inactivity of it! I can feel the pounds returning as I type with my one finger (well it is hard to write while balancing the iPad on my left boob).

This week was a very interesting week. Before I tell you all about it I'll get the biking and diet bit out of the way, I promise it won't take long since I've done none of it, I've been on the bike twice in the last two weeks and I've eaten everything in my path that doesn't have a pulse. End of the healthy bit (told you it wouldn't take long).

Ok first things first I probably should not be writing this and I'm sure some of you will be horrified and some of you might judge me but hey what's new so here goes. I have to go back a few weeks to start.

A couple of Sunday mornings ago the phone rung at 9:30am and Greek Adonis (from this point on will be known as Stupid Son) tells Smug Git the night before he got caught outside with a beer and got a ticket for a MIP (for my international friends that's a Minor In Possession of alcohol) when I say alcohol it was a lite beer! I mean really if you’re going to be stupid enough to get a MIP could you at least make sure it's with a real beer and not the lite shite.  To be honest I don't know how y'all don't know about this because I'm sure that Sunday morning the whole of Texas could hear me shouting and screaming like a banshee. He then gets a court date of October 6th and I have to get a day off to go up with him because Smug Git is away and here's where it gets funny.

The first thing is he does not own a nice pair of pants or decent pair of dress shoes and I don't really want to spend money on buying him any so I look in his brothers closet and find everything I need however the shoes are a size 11 and SS is only a 9.5 but Smug Git who should now be known as Stupid Arse (ha funny like father like son) thinks he can just wear two pairs of sock and this will be fine.  I head off to Bryan Tx and I hate driving because I don't know where I'm going and we have a new car that I can't work but I have my sat/nav and I'm good to go. I head up the road with my music blaring, singing along and the album I'm listening to ends but I don't or rather can't change it because that would mean taking my hand off the steering wheel and not looking at the road. A no no for me so I have to spend the rest of the journey listening to Christmas music - oh and not just any old Christmas music – It’s Rascal Flats Christmas music! Well we are in Texas after all.

I arrive at SS's in plenty of time for his court appearance and give him the clothes and shoes. He takes one look at the shoes and starts to laugh.

SS "Are you serious? I can't wear those shoes"

Me "They'll be fine, just wear two pairs of socks"

SS "No way! I look like I have clown shoes on"

Me "Don't be so dramatic!"

But they did look like clown shoes and I was trying hard not to laugh but then he started laughing and lifted up his trouser leg to reveal about 2" between his heel and the heel of the shoe. Needless to say he did not wear the shoes.  We head off to court and SS is a bag of nerves. We get to the waiting room and I'm the only mother there. Not only that but I'm the only woman! It's all redneck teenagers with not a pair of pants or shoes between them it's all cowboy boots, shiny buckles and jeans. We then go into court and SS tells me not to say anything and of course having a last name that begins with W means I get to hear what everyone else is there for. It was better than reality TV! Well not quite, it was all bald tires and out of date inspection stickers but what was funny was every kid gave the same excuse.

Redneck kid "Uh I'd just moved here and forgot"

Judge "Is it fixed?"

Redneck "Yes sir"

Judge "Case dismissed!"

Somehow I don't think that'll happen when it's our turn!

Then this other kid goes up and SS tells me that he was drinking with him. However he got a ticket for MIC (Minor In Consumption of alcohol). So wait!! Now it all makes sense to me! SS was not drinking, he was just holding it for someone else (wink, wink). Right?
Outcome: SS gets 8 hours community service and has to attend two alcohol awareness programs and 3 month probation. If he completes all that then it will not go on his record (thank god) I asked him later "So what did you learn from this?" Answer:  Don't drink outside!!!!


Serious bit...

When does it get easier being a parent? 

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Look out Bradley Wiggins

I think you all know that I started a new job at the end of the summer and I’m working with 2 year olds.  Now if you would have asked me if I want to work with them say last year but really if you would have asked me ever to work with 2 year olds I would have laughed at you and said never!  You know what they say, never say never and here I am with the toddlers and more to the point, I love it! Some days I just laugh and laugh… Well, if I’m not gagging at the little snot sucker. So the other day in class I had on this blue top that I’ve worn tons of times at work, it’s not a low cut cleavage showing top and it’s not a polo neck. (turtle neck for my American friends) Say somewhere in between. Anyway every time I sat down these two little boys came over and wanted to sit on my lap and would then proceed to drive whatever vehicle they were playing with, be it a Hummer or a truck down my cleavage!  I’m not joking I ended up standing up for most of the day. Bloody children!

On Friday morning I woke up with that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach since I knew that my first bike ride of the season was fast approaching and I had not been out on the road since the MS150 in April. I have however been on the trainer pretty regularly but as I say not on the road. I was crapping myself I was so worried that I had to go for a quick choir practice after work. Just to calm the nerves you understand. That worked for a little while but I knew I couldn’t keep singing so after a couple of songs I thought an early night would be the best thing to do. 

Saturday morning and we were up bright and early and I was even more nervous. So much so I could hardly eat my breakfast (joking – I can always eat!) and that I think is where all my problems start.  I begin to doubt myself; Can I get out of the clips? Will I be able to ride 27 miles? What if I hate riding or what if it’s like those first few rides when I nearly kill myself? I’m so worried that I’m actually thinking about not going. You know when you really, really don’t want to do something (me, it’s usually flying) so you start to hope you get sick or worse one of the kids get sick (I know I’m a terrible mother)  then you have the perfect reason to not do it and everyone will understand? Well that’s the stage I’m at on Saturday morning but me being me I don’t like fear to beat me,  it was a very good cause and I did have sponsors,  so get a grip woman and get it done.

We get to the ride and the weather is so nice there are lots of people there or as Robert would say a saddle of saddos. Oh and some radio personalities although I’m not quite sure how you recognize someone from the radio, I was all kitted out and ready – well as ready as I’ll ever be – and, as always, just to add to the excitement (nerves) you have to wait till it’s your group to go, now I’m just bitching and moaning, I want to get going and I’m sure at this point Smug Git is wishing he could drive a truck right over me never mind down my cleavage! Then hooray they call our group and we set off, well let me tell you it was awesome. I loved every single minute of it, I’m actually excited as I write this! I don’t know what I was worried about it was like riding a bike (ok I’m sorry I could not resist that one) I felt like I was flying along those roads. We stopped at the first rest stop and I was enjoying it so much we rode right past the last rest stop. To be fair the ride was in Katy Texas which is as flat as a pancake but it felt so good to be back outside on my lovely shiny new bike (not so shiny now). Y’all know I’m not into stats but SG has just brought my stats for yesterday (along with a beer what a man) so I thought I would share them.  I rode an average of 12.7 mph and a maximum of 20.8 mph It took us 2 hours and 20 minutes and I cycled 29.46 miles I’m so excited I feel great about those stats and I can’t wait to get back out next Saturday.

Today I decided to go bike barn our local bike shop to spend a voucher I had and while I was there I got talking to the very serious bike guy remember last year he told me he did not think I was talking bike riding serious enough? Well wait till  tell you what he said to me today.

Serious guy “So how many miles are you riding at the weekends now”

Me “Did 29 yesterday” I have to say I think this is how Smug Git must feel all the time!

Serious guy “Wow! That's not too bad”

I have a big smug cheesy grin on my face anyway you know what it’s like when you have money you can never find anything you want and I needed to spend my voucher today so SG ended up with some new peddles, we are standing at the cash register and oh my god! I’m so excited, serious guy comes over and says to me (wait for it)…..”So I think you should ride with us on a Saturday morning at 7:15am”. Wait! Did he just ask me out on a date? Ha, ha, ha better that that I, me, yes I’m going to say it again he told me I could ride with bike barn! Ha, I’m so excited I could scream.  Does that make me a cyclist? Why yes I think it does! Will I go? Hmm maybe yes but not just yet. I’m not sure I’m ready for that right now but I will go soon (I promise).  

My plan for the week ahead is to get back on the bike in the mornings and perhaps venture out round the neighborhood and next weekend out somewhere for a long bike ride can’t wait.

Serious bit….

I’m not looking for money. (Not yet)

Thanks for reading see y’all next week.  Iz x 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

There I Go Changing My Mind Again

First things first this was going to be my last blog (I know you’re all so sad) and I mean that sincerely, not sad as in losers, sad as in unhappy… oh never mind! Anyway I’d made up my mind.  How long can you read a blog about losing weight and getting fit when the blogger is not really doing either?
So y’all know I’ve been known to partake in a small adult beverage but only on high days and holidays (you do know I can write that with a straight face?) well as luck would have it one of those high days came up on Thursday evening.  My friend Amanda had some family over from Scotland and I jumped at the chance to go right over after work. I was really looking forward to seeing her brother Robert, his partner Dean, their friend Paul and cousin Mo. You know who you are folks - I’ve just changed your names to protect the innocent. And by the way Robert makes the best gin and tonics EVER!
Anyway I’m about half way down my first gin and we start talking about my blog. Robert tells me that he reads it every week, and I have to say he was a great supporter during my training. Then Paul say’s “oh aye, I read it too, I read it when I was in the Ukraine and one of their pals read it in Russia. Well you can imagine how happy I was. Then I told them the news that I was done.

Me “Well I really appreciate it but I’m not going to blog anymore”

Robert “What? Why?

Me “Who wants to read a blog about losing weight and getting fit if I’m a lazy fat shite?

Robert “I really like reading about all the everyday funny stuff”

Me “seriously?”

Robert “Yeah it’s really funny”

Me “Bloody hell, I was so sure it was all about me losing weight”

So that made me think maybe I’ll just keep blogging about my unsuccessful attempts to lose weight and get fit and just blog about all of the crazy stuff that happens in my life. Thanks Robert!

Having said all that remember when I lost 34 pounds? Well the summer holidays happened and I could feel myself putting it back on and I had this bag of fat clothes in my closet that I had not gotten round to taking to the charity shop.  One morning I was getting ready to go to work and all my work stuff was getting a tad tight and for a moment I thought about going into the fat bag and getting something to wear but thankfully I managed to squeeze myself into something. Pronto the bag was taken that day to the shop and then I went on to weight watchers. The news was not good. I want to lie to y’all and say I just put on a couple of pounds but the fat lady is back. Not as fat as she was, but back none the less. I am happy to say that I weighed in last night and lost 5lbs so woo-hoo for me and I am not drinking tonight so I can go ride my bike tomorrow.  

Are you all suitably impressed?

Ok so what happened funny this week? Well let me start by telling you I have this problem. When someone, anyone asks me to volunteer I always have this wee speech ready about how busy I am and I’d love too but no I can’t. So when someone asks it usually goes something like this:

Volunteer coordinator “Hey Izzi, would you like to help us out by signing on to be on our committee?”

Me “… … Yeah sure, what can I do?”

Every bloody time. I just can’t say no.

So you guessed it I’m, wait for it - the table organizer for a senior thing at high school.  We have our first night at selling tickets and as luck would have it we sell 12 tables. The cost of a table is $250 to $350 and my job is to bring all the cheques to my house, do some spread sheet thing and whatever. Anyway as I leave the sale I say “Ok, do not let me lose this folder”.  2 hours later I get a call from one of my friends and she says to me “Izzi - Just so you don’t worry we have the folder! You left it in a classroom at the school” Fuck!!! The one job I had was don’t lose the folder and of course I lost the folder with close to $3000 dollars in it! I think my days of being asked to volunteer are almost at an end! But wait, who finds the folder? Only the chairperson of the committee! What are the chances that it’s her that gets it? I have to then go over to her house and apologize profusely and she’s all laughing and saying “oh it’s fine don’t worry about it no problem” but I know she must be thinking stupid, stupid cow! Later I offer to resign my position but of course she will have none of it so needless to say I’m still on the committee still organizing tables but now they are mailing the cheques to me….Funny that!

Serious Bit…

On Saturday 22nd September I will be riding in my first ride of the season. I am, believe it or not, really excited about it. I’m going to ride about 30 miles and to tell you the truth I have only rode my bike on the trainer over the summer so to say I’m nervous would be an understatement.  A huge thanks to all who have donated to this for me there is still time if you want to help but please keep in mind I will be hounding y’all for money for the 2013 MS150!

Here is the link if you do wish to donate :

Sunday, August 26, 2012

S'not Funny!

It’s been two weeks since my last blog and I’m rapidly coming to the conclusion that no-one wants to read about my always failing diets. Although this week was a very good week and I did lose 3 lbs but I’m not quite sure how that happened. Maybe it’s just that I’ve started my new job and the kids have lunch at about 11:30am and that’s way too early for me so I’ve just been having fruit. But I have been on my bike every day so I guess all that together has resulted in a little weight off…  Or - perhaps it was what happened at school on Friday morning that put me off food for the rest of the day! Let me explain… 

The children come into class at 9:00am and this one little girl comes in and sits down at a table. As I turn round to talk to her she sneezes and two big lines of green snot shoot right out from her nose! Now working with children you get used to snot but what I will never ever, ever get used to is when she sucked the snot right into her mouth (believe me when I tell you I’m now gagging into my hands) well as soon as she did this I immediately start gagging and the two girls I work with are at first concerned that I’m ok (because they didn’t see what had just happened) and every time I tried to explain I would just gag and wretch and I could feel that watery feeling you get in your mouth when you are going to vomit. Anyway after I eventually explain all the girls could do was laugh. So needless to say I did not have much of an appetite for the rest of the day and I definitely needed to go for a wee drink after work. Or as the girls at my new job call it - I went to “Choir Practice” (double Choir Practice for me). 

And worst of all I’m not done! Smug Git had been out of town all week and had not heard the snot drama so when I saw him on Saturday morning I started to tell him all about it but unfortunately for me (and him) my allergies were really bad and so while I was telling the story I needed to blow my nose. This had me re-living the whole thing and I ended up actually throwing up all over the bathroom! I’m not kidding even writing this makes me nauseous! I really don’t want to ever think about it again but may need to store it away somewhere safe just in case I need to reuse it for future diet purposes. (Not)

I’m really not doing well at all. I’m having such a tough time with it at the moment I’m hoping that with the kids going back to school tomorrow and everyone getting back into some sort of routine that it will start to fall into place over the next few weeks. Having said that I went shopping today - food shopping and if you know me at all, I hate any kind of shopping but I was at the cash desk and I was perusing the magazines and we all know the magazines are shite and nothing in them is true hence the reason I never buy them. But today one caught my eye, it was Shape with a fabulous photo of that Gillian chick that was on the biggest loser (never watch that show - totally unrealistic) anyway it said, or I thought it said, drop a dress size in 21 days. I’ve just looked at it as I’m writing this and it actually says drop a jeans size in 21 days I so would not have bought it if I say Jeans (don’t ask me why I don’t know I just wouldn’t have) but I did. But OMG! I’m not doing all those exercises for 21 days. No-one would, it was like 10 different exercises; hopscotch, squats, x lunge (whatever the hell that is) and monkey push-ups (again no idea) to make matters worse I’ve just looked at it again and it’s bloody skinny jeans! No one over the age of 30 should be seen dead in skinny jeans (just my humble opinion) and it would take more than one dress or jean size for me because I’m not sure skinny jeans come in sizes 14 (I wish!) or above. It looks like it’s back to the diet drawing board for me, and into the trash can for Shape $5.99 magazine. Unless any of my younger friends want to get into some skinny jeans, the mag is up for grabs….

Serious bit (welcome back)

On the cycling news I’m riding in three weeks September 22nd in the Tour de Cure. The Tour de Cure Houston is one of many fundraising rides to benefit the American Diabetes Association.

In 2011, more than 55,000 cyclists in 80 events raised more than $18 million to support the mission of the American Diabetes Association: to prevent and cure diabetes and to improve the lives of all people affected by diabetes.

I had intended to fund this one myself so I was not going to ask for money but I thought, why not. If anyone would like to donate any money then please feel free it would be much appreciated (I only need to raise $150).

Here is the link if you wish to donate :  Izzi Weatherly

Or if you want to join the ride or find out more then click here

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Dumb Ass Dog!

Anyway you know how last week I was all gung-ho about I’m starting my diet right now - at precisely 12:07 pm Sunday August 5th 2012! Well if I told you that it did not quite go as planned would you all be surprised? Well I think I know enough of you who read this blog or even enough women and men who diet to know it would not really surprise you in the least.  What is it about dieting that’s so bloody hard? Sunday I’m super focused, I do brilliant then Monday comes along and again I’m going for it big time, counting my points, getting on the bike, I’m totally on a “I can do this” high then Tuesday rolls around and I’m out with my friend and diet cohort Amanda. We are going to have lunch together because this is my last day off for the summer before I go back to work, to give Amanda her dues she want to make us a lovely low fat lunch and my face is like thunder because before I meet her I know I want some Chinese food. So I talk her into it, well if truth be told I didn’t really need to talk her into anything, she was as game as I was. So it was off to the Chinese for us. Mistake number one.  You know what it’s like when you eat Chinese food you’re stuffed at the time but two hours later you’re starving again and you have to force yourself to stay away from the cookie jar (well I do) but happy to say I managed to stay on something that resembled a half decent eating plan.

At this point of writing - bear in mind I’m writing this on Saturday - my food escapades all seem a bit of a blur but I’m pretty sure I did in fact stick to my diet on Wednesday… I think. So I’m going to rush straight to Thursday. That was the day I started my new job, it was an in-service day with a fabulous lunch provided at one of my favorite local restaurants The Red Fish Grill. It wasn’t too bad, I had a nice salad (seriously I did!) then a couple of pieces of sushi, that’s not too bad right? Then some fish, vegetables and rice however it was followed by a lovely slice of carrot cake and before you say anything there’s carrots in it so it’s almost a vegetable! Now lunch on its own would not be too bad but, and here is the big but (literally big butt), in the evening I had to go shopping for Greek Adonis’ birthday presents, Smug Git and I went out to eat after we shopped. I really want to tell y’all that I had another salad but I had two beers, buffalo chicken and fries. What can I say - I’m on a diet? Who can resist fries when they’re on a diet? Please don’t judge me! I went to bed (after a couple of G&Ts) with the crazy notion that I would definitely start again tomorrow. Oh wait… its Greek Adonis’ birthday tomorrow. Shit! Maybe I should just start on Sunday again. I know I could try and start on Saturday but seriously that’s the day I get to eat!

Well as luck would have it on Friday, GA’s birthday, I woke feeling that even though we would all be going out to eat dinner that evening I would really try not to pig out, I have a very low fat breakfast of my delish egg white omelet and I packed a very healthy salad lunch now here is where the luck come in.  Normally I don’t consider my allergies a good thing but on Friday I had them big time don’t really know what was causing them but I could not breath through my nose at all (I know it’s gross) which leads to me not being able to taste or eat anything because thankfully if I have to choose between eating and breathing, believe it or not breathing wins every time. I still had it bad in the evening when we went out for dinner and once again I could not eat, Yeah for allergies!

Ok now I’m thinking I could patent a new diet aid - nose plugs! I bet there would be some idiots out there willing to buy a set….But wait message me in the next 5 minutes and you could receive an extra set absolutely free!

Y’all know I wrote everything before this paragraph on Saturday morning yeah? Well right now its 12:34am, I think its Sunday (tad few adult beverages) let me tell you what has happened in the last few hours. We had some friends over and SG made burgers and they were so good but this is all beside the point because after eating said burger I had a tiny bit stuck in my teeth I'm try to be very discrete and pick the burger out my tooth, as I’m doing that one of my veneers that I paid a fortune for pops off and I hear it fall on the floor, quick as a whip my stupid dumb ass dog gets to it before me and eats the damn veneer, what makes this worse and not funny at all is on Monday we have meet the teacher at my new job and I look like a bloody redneck (why does this only happen to me ?) What the hell am I going to do? I’m thinking this might at least help me on my diet as the tiny piece of tooth that remains is killing me and I can’t bite on anything to make things worse I also had to drink my wine with a straw! The next couple of days may have to be a liquid diet - and this time I don’t mean alcohol - though that would be funny me turning up on Monday with a massive hangover and a front missing tooth introducing myself to the parents in my class. I might not have a job on Tuesday!

Next week is back to work so I’m thinking that getting myself back into a routine will get me back on the straight and narrow.  Check back next week and see how it’s going.
Thanks for reading…..Iz  

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

When Yes means No and No means Maybe

This week on Thursday I went to see the orthopedic doctor so that he could go over the results of my MRI and as it said in the message I got before hand he confirmed I did have some arthritis in my hip but at the moment other than anti-inflammatories and to lose weight there was really nothing else he could do. And then he went on to say that he thought I would need a hip replacement sometime in the next 5 or 10 years! But y’all would have been proud of me I didn’t cry, I think I was in shock. He did tell me that I could still bike and if I lost more weight that it would help with the pain. Now for the good news - I can’t run (oh thank god for that I bloody hate running.)

I know it all seems a bit doom and gloom but it’s not… Well besides the fact that I’m still fat, still in pain and I’ve put on about 10 pounds over the summer holidays but I see a new challenge in my future. If I can’t do the half marathon, and I know I can’t, I’m going to challenge myself to losing the next fifty pounds to get me to my target by next Aprils MS150 that means my blog will go from learning to ride a bike to learning how to lose all of this weigh and keeping it off. I think that in itself for me is a huge challenge.  Now I would like to tell you I’ll start tomorrow but then I’d just go and pig out for the rest of the day and that would just get me 2 more pounds to take off so I’m going to start right now - at 12:07 pm Sunday August 5th 2012 (there I’ve said it). Actually now is a good time since I’ve had a humungous breakfast a mere 2 hours ago which consisted of 2 slices of bacon (turkey much to the annoyance of the Greek Adonis), 1 fried egg, and 1½ potato scones (a Scottish delicacy) - all that on a bread roll topped off with a dollop of ketchup. Oh god when I write it all down like that I’m a real pig. I really shouldn’t need to eat for about a week never mind a couple of hours and when I think about it I’ve eaten like this for the last five week no wonder I’ve put about 10 pounds on. So from now on you will just have to listen to me moan and grump about losing weight. I promise I’ll try to keep it funny and I think I’ll add some recipes because I don’t know how funny I’ll be when I’m starving.

All I can think about now is what I’m going to have for dinner tonight.  Why is it when you say you’re on a diet all you think about is food? Do you think those Olympians are always on diets? I saw that commercial where they are all talking about how they got to their Olympic dreams.

“I have not eaten a dessert in over a year”

“That book everyone is talking about - I’ve not read it”

There you go that’s why I’m fat I’ve read the books and ate the desserts!

No, but seriously, what am I going to have for dinner tonight?

I’m off out now to take my mind off food. I’ll add a wee update when I get back and let you know how my first half day back on the diet has worked and I’ll let y’all know what I had for dinner.

Ok then that went better than expected I kept myself busy and did not eat anything till dinner and what did I have I hear you all say well I had a small steak, potatoes and broccoli mmm nice!  But what was hard was talking myself out of drinking anything with it.

Smug Git “you want anything to drink with dinner?”

Me “No” (that was very definite)

Me “well… maybe some wine”

Me “…. No”

Me “Oh what the hell I’ll have a beer” but I did only have one beer so that’s ok…..Right?

My plans for this week is workout every morning and follow my points plan…….Wish me luck! 

Thanks for reading I’m going to go back to writing every week because y’all keep me motivated and I have someone to answer to.

See y’all next week.  Iz

Sunday, July 22, 2012

And the results are?

On Sunday evening I was oh so full of myself. I was so going to work out on Monday afternoon and I was starting my healthy eating on Monday too.  I should have really started on Sunday but that would have meant putting down the bottle of beer and humongous sandwich I’d just made so Monday it was.

Monday morning I bounced out of bed and made my egg white and cheese omelet (with a Weight Watchers point value of a mere 3 points). Oh I am so on this! By 2:00 o’clock, my allotted time for working out, the rain was pouring down and it was too wet to go to the gym, it did not rain all day just for about an hour but that was enough time for me to blow off the whole idea of going to the gym. See that’s what happens when you stop training it’s so, so hard to get back to it.  Well at least I did stick to something that resembles a diet. Ok I’ll try again tomorrow!

6:00am Tuesday morning. The alarm goes off and it’s not raining. Will I be able to find any excuses not to go today? No, I think there’s no reason why I can’t get up and start my ½ marathon training, my leg feels good so I’m good to go.  I start to get dressed but I soon realize the leg is not completely better because I need Smug Git to put on my left sock and tie my running shoelace but I’m up and ready so off I go. I set up my iPod, get my water, press go on the “Couch to 5K”.  Ok - I don’t know if any of you have used the couch to 5k app? if not - it’s really good, if you have used it you will know that you have to have that particular app running before you put the music on (well at least I do, I think)anyway it starts with a 5 minute warm up but my 5 minutes was about 20 minutes so obviously I screwed that up. After fixing the app I set off again. At least I was now warm (truth be told I was bloody roasting) but onwards and upwards! The app starts working properly and I start to run and as soon as I do I feel my leg start to hurt but it’s not too bad just a wee niggle, then it’s time to walk so it’s ok. After the walking time the bleep comes on and I know it’s time to run again and once again my leg hurts, but if you know me I just keep running. By the end of the first half I know I can’t run any more as my leg hurts too bad and I have to walk all the way home - about a mile.  I’m not a happy camper!

Ok here is a question for you all. When you’re training - or like me limping home - do you get the commentator in your head talking about how well your doing or even better, when you walk or run past someone else who’s exercising does he get all excited about you overtaking one of the race leaders? This morning’s commentator was all “it’s a tough day here for Izzi. Looks like that left leg is playing her up again. She’ll have to get that sorted if she is going to have any chance of winning the ½ marathon”  ha ha did you like the winning bit? (No? I guess it’s just me then). Now I know I can’t run I think it may be back to cycling a little and using the weights at the gym until after the leg gets sorted.

Right fast forward about a week and I have an appointment to have my MRI with contrast. So the nurse calls me in some fantastic calming medicine because I’m a tad claustrophobic about the machine. I take the diazepam (woo-hoo!) I now realize why people can become addicted to prescription drugs. This little drug is the bomb - I’m as happy as a pig in the proverbial…and calm! This is going to be a breeze… Well until I have to have the big giant needle for the contrast dye now I’m not so happy. Anyway I get the MRI done and now I just have to wait for the results. Five days later the results are in.  So what do you think it is? Well I’ll tell you what it’s not - Nothing is torn. Nothing is trapped. The Vajayjay is not broke (what a relief). It’s wait for it….bloody beginning arthritis. I know! Y’all will remember that that was the first thing I was told four months ago with the first x-ray and do you know what course of action the doctor has told me to follow? Yes you know it. A weight loss plan! Well no shit Sherlock! I could have told him that and saved myself about $500. Seriously and he’s a hip specialist. I think I’m going to become a specialist in something - Probably in weight gain because I’m seriously losing the weight loss plot.  But since it’s only (beginning) arthritis I guess I can start my training in earnest. Oh WTF I was so hoping for a much worse diagnosis now I’ve really no excuses. I know I can do it it’s just starting I’m having the most trouble with, especially in this Texas heat and the fact that I’ve spent the last week using the MRI as my excuse for lying on the sofa watching TV.

Tomorrow is Sunday again and I know it’s a day of rest but the blog is done - just need to post it tomorrow. Now I don’t really like exercising on a Sunday due mostly to the fact that I like to partake in a small adult beverage on a Saturday evening but this weekend Smug Git is back in Scotland so no adult beverages for me I’ll just go to bed about 8:00pm and be good and ready to get up and go run. I think! Wish me luck and I’ll keep you posted.

Thanks for reading (fingers crossed) I’ll see y’all next week fitter and thinner.   Iz

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Run Izzi Run

I know I didn’t blog last week but to be perfectly honest my life is just not that exciting so I thought I’d give you all the 10 minutes it takes to read it back. I hope y’all put it to good use.  I think I thought I’d have tons to write about if I left it a week but as it turns out - NO! I’m still boring and I’m still fat.  However I do have some plans in mind to remedy that. The fat bit not the boring bit.  Well what do you know? Now that I’ve started writing think I have quite a wee bit to write now where to start?

I think I have to start with the Tour De France let’s get one thing straight I don’t watch sports except football and I only watch that because I can have a beer at noon on a Sunday, I especially don’t watch bike riding (seriously is that a sport or just a hobby?) I remember when I was maybe about 21 I came in from work one day and my brother was watching  TV - well I say watching TV but all that was on the screen was fuzzy nothing. So,  as you do, I started to change the channel. Well he flew out of the chair and went mental because apparently he was watching the Tour De France! The riders were at the top of a hill and he was watching through the fog! Seriously! Sorry I’m kind of rambling now but the Tour started this week and Smug Git is a biking fool so we have to watch it every night (beers only at the weekend L) this is not my favorite time of the year, well the first night I sat down and started to watch and the funniest thing happened - I liked it! It was kind of exciting then the next night I watched most of it but was a tad tired (that might have had more to do with the adult beverages) so I went to bed and missed the end the first thing I said to SG in the morning was “Who won yesterday’s stage?” I’m starting to freak myself out here. Oh and wait for it - I have a fantasy team – YizziY - too funny.
As most of you know I finished work this week and not just for the summer holidays! I decided way back at Easter that I could no longer keep my sanity if I continued to work there so Tuesday was my last day. I would like to say I had mixed emotions about leaving but I had just one, sheer delight! But the funniest thing that happened was on the last day. The crazy lady that I worked with gave me this huge list of jobs she needed done. No I’m not joking! I just laughed at her when she gave it to me, she had it done on fancy celebration paper and everything (ok what exactly was she smoking when she was writing that list?). So of course being the lovely person I am I did all the jobs. Ha! No I did not. I just left the classroom and when I returned there was no list in sight. She must have took it home with her because I could not find it anywhere, that would have been a great memento but alas no. However I did get a picture of it.

So now I’m looking for gainful employment but SG has other ideas. He tells me my new job is to lose the rest of my baby weight and, so what if my babies are 18 and 16, it’s time to shift those last few pounds (50 to be exact) and to get fit. Which brings me nicely to what my plans are next.

Next year before the MS150 I’m going to run the half marathon! I know can you believe it! Just like the bike I can’t run for toffee. At the moment I can maybe run between the lamp posts for about 1/2 mile at a push so I think this will be as big a challenge or possibly a bigger challenge than the MS150. But I know that you will all be behind me 100% with your words of encouragement (no sponsor money required for this) and maybe one or two of you could come training with me. Oh and any of you out there have some tips on how to run a half marathon I’ll be happy to take any or all advice you’re willing to share.

The other day I got back on the bike for a quick 10 miles. It felt good to be back on but the bad news is I now know it’s the bike that’s making my leg sore since I was in agony all that evening and the next day. So I think I will have to leave the bike until my leg is completely recovered. This week I will go to have my MRI with contrast.  For all you non-medical people like me it’s with some kind of dye to see if that shows anything up so fingers crossed. A quick update on the diet front, there has been no dieting for the past few weeks but that stops today and so far I’m back on my points plan.  The next few weeks will be a real challenge for me since I will be at home most of the day. Well at least the blogs should be interesting with my escapades of how to stay away from the fridge. As always I’ll keep y’all posted.

Thanks for reading and I’ll see y’all next week.  Iz 

Sunday, June 24, 2012

What's up Doc?

You know what? I can honestly say I have no idea what to blog about today. I have a few things I could have a moan about but this week nothing funny happened. I guess I must be losing my sense of humor. So I’m thinking I’ll just tell you about my horrible week.

It starts off ok on Monday then comes Tuesday and that’s when it starts to go downhill. I have a physical therapy appointment on Tuesday evening and let me tell you I hate physical therapy. I’ve been going for the last 8 weeks for this bloody hip problem that so far is still not fixed. So the physio guy tells me the good news is that my hoo-ha is not broken. Ok, so he didn’t actually use the words “hoo-ha” and “broken” but there was nothing else he could do for me and that I should go see a hip specialist. So I get an appointment for the docs next day and I have to take the day off work (ok, that was not a bad thing - a wee day off work) Smug Git comes with me to the doctor because at this point I’m an emotional wreck. As soon as I see the doctor I dissolve into a bubbling snot nosed heap and can’t even talk to her Smug Git has to do all the talking and between the two of them I leave there with pain killers, anti-depressants and an appointment to see the hip specialist the next day, all in all I’d say it was a good day.

Thursday morning I decide to check out the hip specialist on line only to discover he’s a knee guy, I call the nurse and ask her if she has made the appointment for the right guy because he specializes in knee surgery and she turns into a stroppy cow. She obviously thinks I’m questioning her ability to book appointments (really that was what I was doing) so we had a wee bit of an argument with me telling her she was the rudest person I had ever had to deal with and she told me in a very sarcastic tone that “I hope it all works out for you”. Bloody cheeky cow!  I go back into work only to tell my boss I need the afternoon of to go see the hip guy. Oh and my boss is not a happy camper when I tell him.  He’s saying all the right things like “Well your health is what’s important” and “Don’t worry about work” but I can see he’s pissed.  It’s a good thing I’m leaving this job in two weeks or I’d be sacked. Either way I’m leaving so I don’t really care. I get to see the specialist that afternoon and what a palaver that is.  First I see Shaneequa (the nurse) and explain everything that’s been going on so she takes down some notes then this doctor comes in and – wow - he’s super handsome and I’m all giggly and he asks me all the same questions and takes some more notes. When he leaves Smug Git looks at me and says “You do know I’m sitting right here right?” Oh shut up! Then the hip guy comes in and you guessed it does the same! Seriously does no one speak to each other? I’m a tad fed up (oh and he was not nearly as handsome as the cute young doc) but I did manage to drop the old “I rode the MS150” speech into the conversation and it turns out so did he - but do you know what he says to me?

Doc “Did you finish it?”

Me “Every mile with no sag wagon!”


No one ever asks SG did you finish? So because I’m a wee fat woman I can’t finish the stupid bike ride? Oh I was mad.  Then he starts asking me how my acetaminophen is working for me? My what? My pain meds apparently - Why does he not say that? How the hell would I know the names of what medication I’m taking? Who knows that stuff anyway? I just look at the label on the bottle and take it at the right time. Is that not what everyone does? Anyway to make a long story short I have to have another MRI, and right now I’m doped up to the eyeballs with drugs so if none of this blog makes any sense you’ll know the reason. 

I have to say Greek Adonis was hilarious. On Friday morning he was up and about at the same time as us and he asks me if I’m still on drugs I tell him yes and I must have been rubbing my arm or something and he says to SG “Hey dad, mum will be in the closet in a wee while stroking all the clothes saying “oh look the clothes are so soft”. Cheeky wee bugger!

On to the weekend. Very busy as usual but I’ve since discovered that drugs and alcohol don’t really mix but they did stop the hip pain!  So there will be no more drugs and drink for me - Well at least not together.  I forgot to mention the hip guy said I could and should get back on my bike so that’s one good thing that came out of the week from hell.

My apologies for this not being one of my funnier blogs, next week will hopefully be better.  Thanks for reading and I’ll see y’all next week.  Iz 

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Can't see the Willie for the Cheese

Good morning all! Sunday morning and what can I say. I feel like I’ve gone back in time - BC (before cycling) when I wake on a Sunday morning a wee bit worse for wear because of the weekend (or week) I’ve just had. And I have to say great weekend and funny week but never the less, food and drink wise not good.

Well if you remember last week I had fallen off the wagon or rather jumped off.  At the beginning of this week I could see the wagon in the distance with one lone cowboy hobbling along and I knew a couple more days of good eating - and I was in fact back on the bike so 10 more miles on that bike and I would have caught up with that damn cowboy. But then Wednesday book club night happened and to make it worse Helena – You remember Helena? - She biked with me remember? She’s the one that got the flat tire and I left her because I didn’t want her to finish before me - That Helena. Well anyway, she was the host and she always makes fabulous food (no three bean salad in sight) the wine is always flowing and a dessert (tres leches cake) to die for.  So now can you see what I’m up against? That wagon is just rolling round the bend out of sight…

Anyway we all arrive at book club and are chatting away - Oh wait, I forgot to tell you the book we were reading, it will not come as a surprise to you - We read 50 Shades of Gray. Well it was decided early on that what happens at book club stays at book club and nothing would be put on Facebook (oh god I so want to call it The Facebook, that’s what my mother calls it “The Facebook” Argh! It annoys the crap out of me but now I want to say it all the time because it’s so funny.  More about my mother another time). However I don’t think any of the girlies said not to put it in my blog! I don’t think… Don’t worry ladies I’ll change your names to protect the innocent - right Helena? OMG but now they will all be so mad at me and I may not have a book club to go back to in August.  So I really had been very good on my diet up to this point and had rode 10 miles on the bike that day so I went along thinking “Well I can just eat a little bit”. Mistake number one, got there and had a couple glassed of some fruity little fizzy drink and it was all downhill from there. I had spotted the cheese table, my definite downfall, I take a look around the table and there is dried fruits and nuts, four or five different kinds of cheeses, olives, 3 different salami’s and a huge selection of crackers.  Well I’ve just died and gone to appetizer heaven oh where to start I think I’ll just start at one end and eat my way around the table and that’s exactly what I do! Delish! The other ladies head to the table in an orderly fashion with me taking up the rear (Ok minds out the gutter) for a second helping. I could not help myself it was sooo good.

While I’m at the cheese table for the second time,

 Helena is asking me “so Izzi what do you think of the table?”

Me, with a mouthful of cheese “it’s delicious, you have gone to a lot of bother”

Helena “Ok. Glad you like it”

So I look at her and she is laughing and I’m thinking cheeky bitch have I eaten too much? have I dropped something on my top? She looks at me, then looks at the table - and then I notice it….It’s a 6 inch glass sculpture of a Willie (Penis for my Americans friends) So I start to laugh so hard and I say to Helena “I’m so sorry, I could not see the ‘Willie for the cheese’!” And then we both are just howling with laughter.  The rest of the evening went along the same lines. So, so funny.

I would love to tell y’all about how the rest of book club went but as I said what happens in book club stays in book club. I will say they are all a great bunch of girls and there was much discussion and hilarity and lots more wine and food consumed and for me I would say a wee bit too much of everything  but then what would my blogs be like if I just wrote every week about how good I’d been and how much weight I’d lost (although the occasional pound of here or there would be nice) Dull.  Do I ever see myself fitting into those size 10 jeans? I do if I could only stop eating and drinking oh and I’ve just remembered it’s father’s day so more eating and drinking today but luckily Smug Git is not my father so I don’t need to do anything for him so an nice easy day for me!   Oh come on I’m joking I let him make a nice dinner and I might make a dessert there see I’m nice right?

Happy Father’s Day to all you great dads out there and for the shite dads get off your asses and take the kids out.
Thanks for reading, see y’all next week.  Iz 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Damn those Cowboys

I know what I want to tell you all this week but every time I talk about it I get so depressed and I’m not sure I want to go down that road this morning.  First things first this diet malarkey is driving me nuts and I think I have slipped off the wagon. Well slipped makes it sound so accidental. I think the rest of the cowboys have thrown me head first off the wagon and have left me lying in Indian territory face down in the dirt. As I get to my feet and look the wagon is way off in the distance and I can’t run fast enough to get back on. HELP! I need some words of encouragement from you people out there who read my blog. Leave me a comment in the comment section or leave one on Facebook.  But you have to do something, come on I’m dying out here. Oh and I think I’ve put on three pounds. Arrrgh!

Oh well here goes nothing.  As most of you who have been following my blog know that around January I hurt my leg. By the end of February I could not stand the pain anymore and went to the doctors. After many lotions, potions and pills which worked to no avail I then went for an x-ray and low and behold the x-ray found the beginning of arthritis! WTF! I’m only 47 but now I find myself watching all the commercials with cute couples going on bike rides (note to self-get a basket for your bike) who have arthritis but are leading pain free lives with the help of some wonder drug and all I have to do is ask my medical provider (drug dealer). I can do that I thought so off I go back to the drug dealer - oops! Sorry - doctor but she was from the old school “oh no I can’t just give you drugs, we need to send you to the orthopedic doctor”. So, after an MRI and another doctor with a “I’m not sure what is wrong with your leg but you don’t have arthritis (that’s a bonus) I can’t see anything wrong”.  So I tell him “but I’m in so much pain can I have some pain killers?” And I have to tell you he was certainly not a drug dealer. He gave me a very stern lecture about abusing prescription drugs so would not give me any pain killers. If this pain keeps up I’m seriously going to go out on the street and find me a dealer pronto.  But I will say he was happy to supply me with copious amounts of Ambian (apparently not habit forming… Well not if instead of taking them you drink gin, coz gin puts me right to sleep.)

Finally the doc agrees to physical therapy for me and I’m sure you all remember how that went - lots of tears and snot if I remember right. I start working with the PT and after two sessions I go back and I have a new PT. She is called Lilly and I am NOT happy - oh for fuck sake now I have to go over all this shit again. My face is like thunder and I’m answering her with one word answers pretty much like a spoiled 15 year old.  Then Lilly says

Lilly “Can you lie on the bed?”

Me, sullenly “Yup”

Lilly “I’m going to have to push on you pubic bone will that be ok?”

Me, still sullenly “Yup”

Lilly “It’s going to be very close to your private area”

Me “It’s fine” I’m thinking I don’t care where you push just get this pain away ya stupid tart!

Then Lilly pulls over this little foot stool (she is tiny) and now she is towering over me. She gets her two thumbs and places them on my pubic bone and presses with all her 100 pound frame and I almost hit the roof (she may have been getting her own back for me being a bitch) Oh my god the pain, she looks at me and says “I think I know what is wrong with you”

Me “you do?” (With a big smile on my face)

Lilly “Yes in fact I know what is wrong with you” (I think I might quite like lilly)

She takes me over to the skeleton and shows me the pubic bones and explains that mine are out of alignment along with my pelvis.

Ok what? And then it dawns on me…..Oh no no no! You have got to be kidding, my Hoo-Ha, Vajaja, Flower whatever the hell you like to call yours. Mine is BROKE!  And now to make matters worse I have a new PT (and he’s a guy)because Lilly is off on vacation. How selfish! I have a broken Hoo-Ha and she buggers off for a holiday. I’m gob smacked!  (Ok she’s back off the Christmas card list)

Tuesday comes along and I go meet my new PT he is very nice and checks Lilly’s diagnosis out and agrees with her so I start working with him and I now have to wear this stupid belt around my pelvis 23 hours a day and do lots of PT at home but I’m hoping that this might be me on the mend fingers crossed.

Back to the wagon I think I can see it in the distance so my promise to all of you out there who support me fat or thin that from today I will count my points all week and see if I can catch up with that wagon before next Saturdays weigh in.  And with my new dress accessory the hoo-ha belt I’m now able to exercise so back on the bike for me.

Thanks for reading. Love y’all iz x  

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Do as I say not as I do

It’s Half term this week at school and it’s nice to be off. However I always have to schedule all my appointments and stuff so I don’t really feel like I’m having a break or rather a break from work but I sure as hell have been having a break from weight watchers! Isn’t that what always happens, you have your diet under control then the calendar has to throw a spanner in the works by way of a 3 day holiday weekend and I know we all start off so well, just eating a little but ending up as drunk as a skunk because you haven’t eaten enough.  On to the second party and I stuck to the salad and bean dish, you know that really healthy dish no one else has gone anywhere near because it’s sat in between the potato salad with boiled egg in it (everyone’s favorite) and the lovely yummy sticky homemade pork ribs so you know no one is reaching for lashings of butter and kidney bean salad right? Well that’s what I had at the second party however at the second party there was the biggest pavlova I have ever saw. It looked delicious but no, I shall not be tempted! I sat there for what felt like an eternity listening to everyone else oh-ing and ah-ing over the perfect dessert.  But when no one was looking I took a fork and just helped myself to a little nibble - no I’m just kidding - I got as much on that fork as I possibly could and shoved it right in my mouth. Thank god no one spoke to me because there would have been cream and meringue everywhere! I was almost going to go in for another bite but I thought if I used the same fork it might count as double dipping so I thought better of it. I did however go back later with a clean serving spoon (it holds so much more than a fork) Yumm!!! By the third party I had not an ounce of will power or self-control left so I just went ahead and ate and drank whatever I liked. Not to worry I’ll start on Tuesday oh wait I have a lunch date with some friends - I’ll start Wednesday.

Oh that reminds me I was going to tell y’all about my blind date a couple of week ago. Oh what a dilemma I have - I could tell you about the blind date OR I could tell you what happen with my sore leg? Decisions, decisions…….What way to go?

Ok blind date and if I have enough time I tell you about the leg. if not you’ll have to wait for that little chestnut next week and believe me it’s hilarious!

When I was training for the MS150 I received a friend request on Facebook. I looked at the name and I had no idea who this person was, so as every good mother tells their children “Don’t accept friends on Facebook if you don’t know the person”  I just went right ahead and accepted. In my defense I saw a picture and the word Scotland so that sealed the deal for me, anyway turns out she knows another friend of mine. The girl that friend requested me is Issi and she’s Scottish and she’s doing the MS150 AND she drives a Volkswagen beetle (bug for you Americans out there)!  I know, I can hear you all out there – “Wow you’ve friend requested yourself” (probably something I would do). No, it’s all true, or is it? Well we’ve started instant messaging and texting (yes we exchanged phone numbers, something else I tell my boys not to do.) but we can never quite get to meet up or to ride together but we decide on ride day we will meet at the end of the first day at La Grange. So I’m looking forward to it. If you know me well enough you know I’m a phone junky. I take it everywhere and I mean everywhere.  I even have the flashlight app to go to the toilet at night but at La Grange I didn’t get a call or a message from the elusive Issi.  Could this be someone playing a joke on me? Anyway I’m so tired I don’t think anything of it but then half way through the second day my phone pings and, what do you know, a message from Issi but she has just crossed the finish line (hmm how convenient I won’t get to see her today) oh well, never mind. I forgot to mention the one thing we don’t have in common is she is super fit.

A few days later I get an instant message from… you guessed it - Issi and she wanted to know If we could meet up somewhere for lunch.  Now all you mothers out there are screaming “DO NOT MEET UP!” because I know that’s what I’m screaming to the boys. But come on, it is lunch and y’all know how much I love my grub.  So we arranged to meet at Vintage Park a couple of weeks later for lunch.

The Friday night before my big blind date I was out with some friends at 1252 tapas bar (great place) and I was telling them all about my date the next day. Well they were horrified that I’d go. They had her as some kind of lesbian stalker but I have to say not one of them - and you all know who you are; Smug Git, Lesley, Roy, Cathy and Brendon - offered to come with me (or maybe they did… I ended up a tad tipsy)

The big day arrives and I get ready. Get my rollers in… Get the face on… I wear a nice pair of shorts and a nice top. I’m looking good! Then it dawns on me, I don’t even know what she looks like. I mean sure I’ve seen a picture but really, stalkers have never changed their profile pictures… Shit what if?... I get to the restaurant and walk inside, look around the place and I spot her right away. She even looks Scottish! I walk over, introduce myself and she is the nicest lady ever what a lovely lunch….I had you all going there for a minute didn’t I? She was a very lovely lady and we have arranged to meet again soon.

I think this particular blog has gone on long enough so you’ll just have to wait till next week to hear all about my physical therapy and let me tell you it will be well worth reading.  And for the few friends who know what’s going on mum’s the word (or for my American friends “Loose lips sink ships”)!

See Y’all next week Iz x 

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Magic Elixir

On a Monday morning I feel like it’s always an uphill battle through the coming week trying to lose the weight that I’ve gained over the weekend. Every Monday the same thing and I know as I’ve been told often enough the definition of stupidity is to keep doing the same things and expect a different result. So you’d think by now I would do something different but no not me. Still pigging out and then dieting like a crazy woman through the week and what an eventful week it has been.  It started off just fine, diet going well. Then on Tuesday I found the magic potion to help you lose weight! 

Oh now, I bet I have all your attention right? Well as you all know, ok some of you know, I try not to eat carbs during the day and when I say carbs that’s code for bread. Bread is the wonder food, the food that if I had to choose one carbohydrate to eat for the rest of my life it would be bread. I love it toasted, baked, stuffed, deep fried, dipped it soup… Oh you get the picture I love it! Anyway back to the magic potion. At lunch time you take one activia yogurt any flavor and a fair amount of fresh fruit, any kind. I had melon, strawberry’s, raspberry’s and grapes. Now this is the most important bit of the potion - Do not, I repeat  do not stray too far away from a restroom. I’d recommend your own because when it’s time your backside will explode. I kid you not, you can weigh yourself after and you’ll be at least a pound lighter! Awesome!

On Wednesday thank god I did not have the magic potion for lunch because on Wednesday evening Lesley and I were coming home from work in rush hour traffic. We take our exit off the freeway which thankfully was quite quiet and I pull over to the far right lane, I put my foot on the clutch to change down from fifth to stop and nothing! The gear stick was just freely moving about in my hand! The gear box had gone - oh my god what am I going to do? I know I said it was quiet but not now, now I can see hundreds of irate car owners in my rear view mirror trying to get round me and then I see the police car.  Lesley got out and spoke to the officer meanwhile I’m still sitting in the car with one foot on the clutch and one foot on the brake because I know if I take my foot off the clutch the car will stall. So I call Smug Git and I’m screaming down the phone like an idiot and calmly in his best Smug Git voice he says “All you have to do is switch off the ignition and put on the hand brake” Fuck! Why did I not think of that? Smug bastard!

The police officer comes over to me asks me what seems to be the matter ma’am (no really he did say that) I explained with my fastest panicked Scottish accent all about the gear box after which he kind of dropped his head to the side and gave me a vacant expression. I realized he had no idea what I just said so I slowed down and told him all over again and he told me I would need to get a tow truck and asked me if I wanted him to get me one. I said yes and how long would it take to get a tow truck here? Then poof! He pointed right in front of me and there it was like a mirage right before my eyes all gleaming in the Texas sunshine, my knight in shining armor - Smug Git? No, the lovely tow truck driver. Who hooked up Poppy and took her to the shop.  So now you know why I was lucky I did not have the magic potion for lunch there would have been tears, snot and shit everywhere!

The rest of the week went ok no more dramas and on Friday I decided I would not do as I always do I’d try something different - like not pig out. So needless to say I was in bed by 9:00pm but it paid off I went to weight watchers and lost ½ a pound.  OK so here is where it gets really funny so I’m going to a birthday party that evening and I have to buy a gift. I go to the store and I think - I know I’ll get a nice little cute nightie. I find the cutest one and I think now that I’m no longer a 200 pound woman  I’m going to get one for me too so I pick up a large and head home.  Later when I’m getting ready to go out I think I’ll try the nightie on. I put it over my head and put one arm in. It feels a tad tight but I put the other arm in… Well when I say in I’ve got my right arm up in the air and the nightie is on just over my elbow and I’m stuck in that position - I swear to god I can’t get the stupid nightie off! By now the sweat is running down by back, my face is purple because I’m bent over trying to get it off with the hand that has the sleeve all the way on. Oh no I’m going to have to call Smug Git in to help me. This was supposed to be a surprise for him and believe me he’ll be surprised if he has to come help and sees me like this! I look like I’m trying to escape from a strait jacket, and then I hear a little pop! Oh shit! The stitching is coming away. Right, calm down. Deep breath. I try one more time and thankfully I get it off. I’m not kidding I look at it and think there must be a zipper or buttons that I’ve missed at the back but no there’s not I’m just still fat and I guess in lingerie I’m an extra-large!  

The nightie is now hanging up in the bathroom as a constant reminder and hopefully it will be the motivation to help me get into it with no help from others.  I’ll keep you posted on that.

Oh well there was so much drama I never even got to tell you about my blind date…Next week I promise.

Thanks for reading. Iz

Sunday, May 20, 2012

The Liquid Diet

Well its blog 33 and I don’t really have a lot to blog about given that my leg injury is stopping me from doing any exercise and the MS150 is but a distant memory that on an occasion can still bring a wee smile to a sad lonely woman’s face. Oh bloody hell shut up and get on with it… Oh sorry right then. What to write until normal training services resume?

I will tell you about some of the stuff that has happened this week. I think I should start way back at last Friday morning so I go to weight watchers and weigh in and right before my eyes I look at the scales and what do I see - 199.00 lbs.! Hooray I’m no longer a 200 pound woman. I’m hi fiving people and smiling like a Cheshire cat. I’m happy, happy ,happy . I even call Smug Git up and shout down the phone ”Your wife is no longer a 200 lbs. woman!” Ok so I got a bit carried away after all I am only 199 still hang in there with me just give me my moment please because believe me a moment was all I had. After Weight Watchers  I then met the girls for lunch and after that it all goes downhill. However at the restaurant I was very good and righteous, giving out little tit bits of diet advice (oh look at me talking shite again). We eventually left the restaurant and I went back to Amanda’s for a few drinks.  4 hours later and 1 or 4 or 5 drinks later I have the munchies and I feel a binge coming on. I start with some Lays BBQ chips but very quickly they are grabbed away from me and some baby carrot are out in their place. What the hell just happened but you know what I don’t care. I’ll eat those carrots as long as I’m crunching something till dinner is ready I’m good.  And what pray tell was for dinner? What culinary delight had the lovely Amanda slaved over all day? Fish and chips! Oh I know, you are now all a little jealous aren’t you?   Well I wouldn’t be too jealous as it turns out it was more like fish and carbon as she burnt the chips. But I was so hungry I just put them between two slices of bread and smothered them in ketchup and viola saved the dinner yum! But after that I had eaten so much I had to go home and lie down.  When I got up the next morning my stomach still hurt I’m sure it was all the carrots I ate. I’m never eating them again.

Saturday morning I’ve decided not to weigh myself as I’m no longer a 200 pound woman so I don’t need to do that anymore (more like if I do weigh myself I’ll be more than a 200 pounder) so we are not going there.  I decide I’m going to have a good day and stick to my points. I have a very healthy 5 point breakfast and pat myself on the back.  Later in the morning I have to go run some errands and since I’m sticking to my points I think I should eat some lunch at home before we go out and save us from temptation - Amen.  It’s all working out perfectly till we go to wine styles and they offer us a taste of wine. Well you know it’s just plain rude to say no, so we enjoy the wine and decide that maybe we should just have one more glass but as luck would have it (bad luck)the computer system in the shop went down and the guy for some weird reason could not pull himself away from the computer to sell us wine so we left. Smug Git took one look at my face with its big petted lip on and suggested we go to Brix another nice wine bar close by, petted lip off, smile on, happy Izzi.  But wait disaster happened! We get to Brix and it’s bloody shut! What the hell kind of wine bar shuts on a Saturday afternoon? Is this a Texas law I don’t know about? Smug Git to the rescue though he rapidly grabs my hand walks me over to a vacant table in the tapas bar next door and gets me a drinks menu then proceeds to order me one dirty martini. What a nice man. The food menu was on the table so I thought I would have a wee look. What? I’m just looking I’m not ordering anything I’ve just had my healthy lunch oh but the menu looks good and tapas is just small portions what harm could it do if we just has a wee sample plate of cheese? I think that would be ok, I’ll count it in later. The waiter comes over and I’ll have another martini and a cheese plate and the shrimp in garlic and olive oil. Ok ok I know what you’re all thinking but olive oil is healthy. Well the food was delish! Ate every bit of it and then went off to the movies. Never really got any of the errands done but there’s always tomorrow! Later that evening what would you know I’m feeling a tad peckish again so what do we eat?  Burgers and chips followed by lashings of ice cream and chocolate. Day 2 of diet gone to hell. Oh god and I forgot tomorrow is mother’s day.

Mother’s day went off without a hitch. No sons to be seen all day and no messing up with the diet. The rest of the week went ok but I ended it with a weight gain although I’m not quite sure how much because I’ve not mustered up the courage to weigh myself so in my mind I’m still 199 pounds maybe I’ll just stay that weight forever.

Next week I’ll tell you all about my blind date!