Sunday, November 20, 2011

The four letter word

After completing my 25 mile bike ride and having to stop the car on the way home about four times because I thought I was going to be sick, I finally get home lay on the sofa for about 3 hours and I make the sad realization there is no freaking way I can ride the MS150 in the shape I’m in. It’s ok laughing and joking on this blog but I’m gonna die if I try this and I know it’s not next week and I have lots of time to train blah, blah, blah. But I’m worried, I love my food and my beer and yes Amanda I know this blog makes me look like I drink too much but seriously, you know me, I do drink too much!

So what to do? Answers on a post card please!

Ok, so I go to work and I’m talking to one of the teachers who will remain nameless, you know who you are Miss Robson! About how I need to lose some weight, well actually a lot of weight and she says to me I followed this diet and it really worked for me so given that she is tall, gorgeous and super slim I think well ok then I’ll try this one. It’s called the 17 day diet. Oh, did I mention it was a carb free diet! Below is a summary of my first 3 days.

Day one Wednesday

2 scrambled egg whites. Really, who eats that shite, it’s tasteless unless it’s topped with bacon! ½ a grapefruit and a cup of green tea. Lunch; salad with tuna and green tea. I’m not joking I’ve got at least 50 pounds to loose but I’ll be dead by 4:00pm at this rate. Anyway I’m pushing through the hunger I have a banana after work and go to the gym. I hope you’re all impressed out there. Talk to Smug Git and he has agreed to make dinner for him and the boys. I come home from the gym and expect their dinner to be over and Smug Git has not even got the pasta water boiling. I am raging! I swear to god I completely lose the plot and throw a banana right across the kitchen and the banana lands… Wait for it… In the fruit bowl! No joke, I could not have done that if I tried. Then Greek Adonis pipes up “Hey, stop throwing bananas or that’s not the only thing that will be bruised!” But I’m so not laughing. I storm off to my bedroom like a spoiled brat, slam the door and throw myself on the bed. Once I’ve calmed down I enjoy my lovely grilled chicken with steamed vegetables mmmm! I think I went to bed about 8:00pm starving.

Day two Thursday

I’m thinking that the idea of this diet is to only eat stuff you don’t like because I have to eat 6oz of plain Greek yogurt. It took me 4 hours to eat it, I started at 6:30am and finished it at 10:10am at my tea break. I don’t think you realize how much 6oz of yogurt is. Let’s just say a lot! I’m not going to bore y’all with the rest of my food intake for the day because besides leafy vegetables there’s not a lot to talk about. Four o’clock it’s off to the gym but this time I’ll swim – oh look at me cross training! I get changed, go into the pool and start swimming. I do 3lengths of the pool and the lifeguard blows the whistle and calls out “Pool closed” -WHAT! Is he serious? Words can’t begin to express how mad I am. Honestly I’m pissed right off. There’s a swimming instructor on the side right next to me and I ask her “Is he having a laugh?” Oh no ma’am - Don’t start with the ma’am thing. But then I spot a manager and I call him over and start shouting at him bear in mind I’m in the pool, he is on the deck and I’m just ranting and raving about disrespect, crap staff, anything I can think off. I get out of the pool and get changed. I’ve been in the gym a total of 15 minutes so I go out find the manager and start shouting at him again and cancel my membership and demand a refund NOW which I get, but I don’t feel any better. You know what I really need? A big carb laden baked potato, but no, I go home and have my grilled fish. It’s only day 2. I’m sure it will get better tomorrow. Right?

Day 3 Friday

Still no carbs but I do get 2 hardboiled eggs for breakfast, well that’s good. I’m feeling happy today, like I’ve actually eaten food, yeah! Today we have PE and I think instead of just looking the part I will do the class. For a warm up we play battle ships, you know the game where someone call out port, starboard, north and south and you have to run to that position. Wow those kids are fast and it was so much fun especially when the teacher calls out “woman and children first” a bunch of them (note the banana reference) are all running with me and when she calls this out they all try to sit on my back, so funny. Needless to say I did not win this game but I laughed so hard, I think as grownups we should play games more often and I did not think of carbs once.

Friday night out. So, quick question… Is alcohol a carb? Yeah, I know the answer to that question. Had a bit of a carb over load and I don’t think you’ll be surprised to hear I felt very calm and relaxed. Carbs are a wonderful thing but I know y’all will be disappointed that no bananas were thrown BUT WAIT I did have a stand up fight with Smug Git in the middle of What-a-burger parking lot and I know before you say it there’s carbs in burgers but needless to say I did not get one but I did go home in another stinker of a mood and stuff my face with 2 bits of cold pizza and after that I crammed as many whoppers (malteesers) in my mouth as I could get and believe me when I say the word hamster springs to mind.

Ok three days or should I say 2 and a half days of no carbs is 2 and a half too many. Miss Robson I take my hat off to you, that’s why you’re thin and gorgeous. And I’ll just have to be content with being calm and fat. My god that was an experience I don’t want to repeat any time soon.

So back to the diet drawing board, if any of you out there know of a way to help me lose weight or are willing to pay for surgery I’m open to all suggestions or donations. I know I should be looking for donations for MS150 but I’m thinking that can weight. (Pun intended) Oh and by the way this is week 6 of this stupid endeavor and I’ve cycled a total of 113 miles lost wait for it… 3 pounds WTF!!!

To donate not for weight loss but to help me reach my $400 MS150 goal follow this link:

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