Sunday, December 25, 2011


Well hello and Merry Christmas! I’m so glad you managed to step away from all the chocolates, cookies, mince pies and Champagne for ten minutes but don’t worry I won’t keep you long. Today is the day I’m going to eat and drink whatever I like so I also don’t want to be away from the goodies too long. I’ve a feeling this day may not end too well I can already feel a wee virus coming on and it’s not even noon yet! Maybe later I’ll do a wee drunk blog. How funny would that be? Second thought maybe not!!!

Y’all know “a wee virus” is code in our house for a hangover right?

So last week was a bit of a tough week I was still working till Tuesday. I know, I know some people don’t get any holidays. I should be grateful I have a job but I’m knackered and I need a break! I finally get Monday and Tuesday out the way - Woo hoo! I’m on holiday but have shit loads to do plus I’m not actually sure how I’m going to cope with weight watchers when I’m at home all day because you know what it’s like all that yummy food everywhere and there’s that box of wine in the fridge that’s whispering at me every time I open the door “hello I’m here - just have a wee glass, I’m really chilled and delish… oh go on one glass will not kill you” ok I’m not looking in the fridge again. Well at least for 15 minutes I don’t know why I keep looking in the fridge anyway I’m like a moth to the flame. I just keep opening the door and looking in at all the good stuff and drooling I think it may be some form of self-torture. Please kill me now! If I don’t stop its 18 pounds here I come.

I have to keep myself busy, I know I’ll go out and finish my Christmas shopping. I don’t know if you know this about me but I hate shopping - I mean really hate it. I can do two shops then I’m done. If I push it - and I mean really push it I can do three, then I go all crazy bitch in a bad, bad mood and the only thing that gets me out the mood is food and wine. So I’ve decided before I go I’m just going to two shops. Smug Git has some shopping to do but it’s for my pressy so he’s going off on his own. I really only need to go to Barns and Noble but before I leave the house I realize I need some peppermint essence because I have a mountain of baking to do when I get back (of course I do! What else would someone on a diet need to do - duh?) So that’s William’s and Sonoma. Two shops. Easy. $250 later in Williams and Sonoma that’s the most expensive peppermint essence I’ve ever bought only to go home and find I already have some in the cupboard. Who found the one in the cupboard? Smug Git. Yes, I know I can hear y’all shouting his name at me and I know I was supposed to be Christmas shopping for other people but I hate shopping and that made it bearable and I have some lovely new dishes! Merry Christmas to me!!!

Back home and it’s not even lunch time yet on the first day of my holiday and another wee look in the fridge for something to eat for lunch. Wine is still there only this time whispering just a tad louder damn you wine I’m not giving in yet!

Did I tell you that SG bought me a trainer? I don’t think I did. Well for those of you who have no idea what that is let me explain it’s not a handsome buff guy to help me lose weight and get fit, no, no, no my luck is not that good. A trainer is a piece of equipment you use on your bike in the house (well my one is in front of the telly) to make your bike stationary so you can peddle your ass off whilst watching telly, awesome right? SG keeps trying to get me to go on it but I think I’d rather stick hot pokers in my eyes but I do know I’m going to have to use it at some point so I come up with what I think is the perfect idea. Tell me if I’m wrong. I’m going to bake my cookies and whenever a batch goes in the oven I’m going to get on the bike, come on that makes perfect sense yeah, no? Well no. The first batch only needs to cook for 6 to 8 minutes by the time I get on the bike it’s time to get off. Ok new plan I’ll start the bike thing tomorrow first thing 20 minutes. That’ll work I’m sure.

Good news, good news! Part way through my baking Lesley comes over, yay! Someone to taste test my cookies because that’s how good I’ve been – I’ve not even tasted one and they’re chocolate chip and mint my two favorite flavors together. But first things first...

Me “you want a cup of coffee?”

Lesley “no! I was thinking you’d offer me wine”

Me (with just a hint of excitement in my voice)” Wine, wine - I can do wine”

I go to the fridge throw open the door “hello my good friend the wine box” then pour two lovely glasses of nicely chilled wine yum! Well it is Christmas and you can’t let your best friend drink on her own it’d just be bad manners. Lucky for me just as I finish backing for the day another good friend Jan popped in and I get to have another wee glass of wine with her. I’m thinking that I really need to count the points for all this wine but I’ll worry about that tomorrow.

Thursday morning I get up really early in the morning and have a go on the trainer, now I really do wish it was a handsome buff guy! Twenty minutes seems like forever but I get it done and it’s back to the cookie making and no, no one came to visit and I had no wine. God I hate days like that I did however have a wee gin or two when I was delivering my cookies to all my friends so the day was not a complete loss. Later in the evening I went to the movies to see New Year’s Eve. Yeah don’t waste your money, let me just say just because there are a million stars in a movie does not make it a good movie AND I was sitting with all these boo hoo teary eyed women… Oh wait they were my friends!!

Ok on Friday morning I had to go shopping again! The first two shops were fine, not too busy, but then wait for it that dreaded third shop. I had to go grocery shopping and that was when all hell broke loose and I had a big argument with another irate shopper who was obviously bothered by my casual browsing (I had no idea Armageddon was coming on Sunday and groceries were a top priority). I was apparently holding up the other crazy shoppers and she felt the need to hurry me along! I think that may have back fired on her a bit when I chased her down the soup isle shouting at her that “excuse me usually works when you need someone to move and that she was rude and bad mannered” this was all very amusing to the other shoppers on the soup isle. I get the feeling she does not like shopping either! I know it’s only 10:30am but I could really go a wee glass of something - well it is Christmas - but Smug Git won’t let me because I have to go on the trainer first - arrg!

Weight Watchers! I know you are all hanging on my every word right? Yeah right! But I do know y’all want to know if cow face was there and… she was! Of course she was there the week I don’t lose any weight. I didn’t put any on so I’ll take that thank you very much. The class was empty with just the hard core fatties there. You should have seen her face when I walked through the door and her buddy wasn’t there so she had no back up (I did actually feel a tad bad for her) so as always I was my very sweet nice charming self. Actually when I look back on these blogs sometimes I’m not very nice but in my defense only when I’m provoked! Anyway I digress (oh that’s a big word) She was super sweet to me I was sweet to her a wee bit of a love fest going on here oh and I almost forgot the best news EVER I got a bravo sticker! I know, why did I get a bravo sticker? I’m not quite sure I answered a question about exercise but I think she would have given me a sticker just for turning up if she could.

So all in all not a too bad week did a fair amount of exercise and put on no weight now just one more week and I can put this bloody holiday season behind me and get back to the business of losing weight Yeah!!

Serious Bit….

Have a very Merry Christmas and a Healthy and Prosperous New Year!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Good, bad and ugly

Well hello out there in blog land sorry I’m a wee bit late on writing this today but you know how it is at this time of the year, so much to do, so little time and to be perfectly honest with Y’all I really had to go out on my bike today because in case you forgot I have a bike ride to complete in the not too distant future. I have not been on the shiny new bike for a while and I knew if I didn’t go out today I would have put it off till after Christmas and God knows if I would have ever got back on it. Anyway I did get on it and managed to cycle for about an hour and a half and covered a distance of 16 miles so yeah for me!

So what to talk about? Well over the last week there really was only one thing on my mind - FOOD, FOOD, FOOD. I knew at the beginning of last week that it would be a tough week actually I know the next couple of weeks will be hard what with all the holiday parties then Christmas and New Year but I’m thinking one week at a time but at this point I’m just glad last week is gone.

Let’s start at the beginning of the week. After W/W I went home and at lunch time I stuffed my face. Basically if it couldn’t move fast enough - I ate it! Well later in the day I felt so sick I could hardly move and I had a night out. Help!

Got Saturday out the way and was straight back on W/W. By Sunday evening I was starting to panic, I hoped I had not put on all the weight I’d just lost and I knew we had teacher appreciation this week so because of this I thought I’d try and go to the gym after work a few nights to work off Saturday and help the rest of the week.

Why is it when you go to the gym the young skinny chick wants to get on the treadmill right next to you I mean really? I swear she’s doing it just to make me look even worse, she’s jogging away not even breaking a sweat and I’m walking, yes walking, and my face is like a beetroot, sweat lashing off me I look like I’ve been dragged through a bush backwards. Ok I’ve had enough of this I’m going on the stationary bike. I start peddling and then I hear this whistling noise. Oh my god, it’s the guy next to me! It’s his nose I keep looking at him and rubbing my nose hoping he’ll take the hint but no, not a chance. 6 minutes and 24 seconds I had to suffer that whistling nose. Seriously it was horrible! Blow your nose man!

Teacher appreciation at school was possibly the worst thing I’ve ever had to face! Child birth – blah - piece of cake (pardon the pun) AND I know I’m a bit over dramatic but believe me this spread from the parents was amazing! Now remember most of the parents are British so it was all the things from home sausage rolls, Quiche, pakora , smoked salmon, bagels, cream cheeses… ok enough I’m starting to make myself drool all over again. That was just the savory’s I’m not even going to start on the desserts. I went back to my class not eating a thing. Why did I just not stay in my class and not go? That would have been the easiest thing for me to do but I guess taking the easy option is so not me. Anyway back in my class I had a lump in my throat the size of a football seriously I thought I was going to cry, where is my food sponsor when I need her? Oh wait - she’s probably stuffing her face full of goodies. If I can get through this day without biting someone’s head off it will be a miracle. Ok at lunch time back to the staff room to eat my healthy packed lunch I could feel myself getting ready to crack…Oh wait I forgot to mention on top of the teacher appreciation we had craft day at school. Three guesses what craft I was doing? Yup, baking cookies but not just my class, why that’d be just too easy. No I had to bake with three classes so close on 100 cookies, just kill me now!

Did not crack managed to just throw my phone down in a bit of a strop and ate my lunch very quietly.

On Friday at school we were having discos for the kiddos so I had to volunteer. I knew I would be finished work around 5:30 and would need a glass of something very alcoholic or two or maybe even more so I got up at 5:00am and went to the gym so I could have enough points to have my alcohol so if you ever see me at the gym or out on my bike it’s all for the love of Gin! The discos were fun but again the parents donated food; cakes, chips, candy, soda’s, tons of shite basically but again I had to stand there and hand it out. Someone up there is really trying my patience!

Saturday morning I wake up with a wee bit of a virus (that’s code in our house for hangover) however I’m supper excited because I get to go see Cow Face. I get to W/W and it’s good news - I lose 1.5lbs (again yeah for me!) however there is bad news I have to drop a point off my points for the day and Cow Face was nowhere to be seen (annoying cow) apparently she has a cold. A cold my ass she just does not want to face me. The allusive bravo sticker still escapes me maybe I’m just going to wait on the big one! Nice new weight watcher lady tells us “Y’all can do it” and “we’re almost through the holiday period”. Thank Fuck!!!

Here’s my thoughts on dieting. It’s hard sometimes but doable but it’s boring. I should not be surprised but it’s amazing how much time revolves around eating and when I’m not eating I’m just dour and boring. Food just makes us all happier! Well I don’t know about you but it does me. There’s a reason Santa is jolly! So maybe next year instead off riding my bike for charity I’ll be Mrs. Clause - jolly, jolly, jolly and fat, fat, fat!!! But that’s next year.

Serious Bit…

A huge thank you to everyone who has donated to my journey it is very much appreciated. Thanks to all of you who read this blog without y’all I would never have got through this last week and with your help I’ll make it to January without putting too much weight on over this holiday.

Thanks Y’all I couldn’t do it without you!!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Sleepin' with the fishes

Ok. You remember the whole no sticker drama last week… Me crying… Cow Face crying… Well, right at the end of my, I don’t want to say argument with her, so let’s just call it emotional discussion or, as Smug Git likes to call it, my petted lip melt down (god I really hate it when he’s right) anyway I said to her, chin still all wobbly “ I have a blog and you’re so going to be in it”. Now it’s just funny but then, I don’t know, I just felt like I was really threatening her with something. Which of course is really funny because I don’t even know her name.

Later that day after I’ve pulled myself together I go out on my bike with Smug Git and Steve my training buddy (I really need to come up with a name for him) anyway he grew up in Queens New York and he’s a really funny guy I tell him the sad, sorry, no sticker story and as quick as a whip he says (I would say in his best New York accent but that’s the way he talks all the time) “you want I should put a hit on her?” I nearly fell off my bike laughing! That made my day and I cycled 15.5 miles.

It’s 3:00am on Monday morning and I can’t sleep because the stupid damaged cat is meowing outside the bedroom window to get in and yes that really is his name which is really funny when you have to take him to the vet and they call out “damaged cat” for his name it makes me laugh every time.

I know you’re all asking why is he called damaged cat? Well long story short I drove over him when he was a kitten and took all the skin off his back and broke his hip! Aww! Poor damaged cat!!!!

So enough about the cat back to ME. I can’t sleep because I’m worried about how to incorporate alcohol into my diet plan because, let’s face it, if I can’t drink on this plan I’m not doing it. End of story! However I come up with, if I may say, a brilliant plan to count my wine and gin points. I get out of bed take my phone into the toilet (I don’t want to wake SG) and work out the point value of a cup of wine which is 7 points and then I do the most important one - the gin. A cup of gin is 20 points. Now I know I know that’s a lot of points… but it’s also a lot of gin! (I’m not planning to drink the whole cup). Woo hoo! I feel like I just discovered the answer to occupy wall street I’m so happy I go back to bed and sleep like a baby.

The rest of the week obviously goes well (because I sorted out my gin consumption for the weekend) until Friday when I have to judge a cake baking competition at school. Seriously that’s like taking an alcoholic on a pub crawl. I feel like I need a WW sponsor. You know someone you can call when you’re just about ready to stuff that piece of chocolate cake in your face. So how would you talk someone down from chocolate? Did I eat any of the cakes? Not a one. We made the year 6 house captains taste all the cookies and cakes. Wow that was a close shave!

Saturday morning and it’s the big weigh in day I’m feeling pretty confident I’ve been good all week and I can’t wait to see Cow Face but I go in to the meeting and look around and Cow Face is nowhere to be seen SHE’S NOT THERE! COW! Now if I lose weight she’ll not know. God this woman annoys the crap out of me! How can I rub it in her face if she’s not there? But wait y’all don’t think Steve (The Don) has really put a hit on her and she’s sleepin with the fishes?

I get on the scales and wait for it……4.5lbs off yeah!

Serious bit….

All joking aside this week has been a tough week and I know the next few weeks will get tougher. Who the hell goes on a diet in December? But I will still give it 100% well maybe the next few weeks 95% and keep you all updated on my progress. I thought this week I’d throw in a wee recipe I made it’s really low fat and absolutely delicious and the boys loved it too and did not know it was low fat so enjoy!

Italian Sausage Pasta

1 1/2 pounds uncooked turkey sausage(s), Italian-style, casings removed
2 tsp olive oil, extra-virgin
2 medium yellow pepper(s), cut into 2-inch long thin strips
1 medium uncooked onion(s), thinly sliced
1/2 cup(s) red wine
1 1/2 Tbsp minced garlic
28 oz canned crushed tomatoes, fire-roasted recommended
1/2 tsp crushed red pepper flakes, or less to taste
1/4 tsp table salt

8 oz uncooked whole-wheat pasta, fusilli
1/3 cup(s) basil, fresh, chopped

Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil.

Meanwhile, to make sauce, in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat, cook sausage, stirring and breaking up meat with back of a wooden spoon, until cooked through, about 3 to 5 minutes; remove to a plate.

Heat oil in same skillet. Add yellow peppers and onion; cook, stirring frequently, until vegetables are lightly colored and crisp-tender, about 5 minutes.

Add wine and garlic; cook until most of liquid evaporates, about 1 minute. Add tomatoes, crushed red pepper, salt and browned sausage; bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low, cover and simmer until vegetables are tender and sauce is heated through, about 10 minutes.

While sauce simmers, add pasta to boiling water and cook according to package instructions. Drain pasta; return to pot. Add sauce and basil; toss to mix and coat.

Yields about 1 1/3 cups per serving.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Fat loser

Remember last week? My serious bit was to follow the weight watchers plan 100%. Well one week on and let me tell you how it all went.

Saturday after weight watchers I follow the plan and use up some but not all of my bonus points or roll over points. I don’t know, I’m not quite sure what they’re called. Anyway, I use some of them because well it is Saturday and if nothing else I need my gin and tonic fix. I can’t believe y’all want me to tell you what I ate all week so I’ll leave out the boring food intake stuff.

Sunday - 100% no probs. Well really its only day one it shouldn’t be that hard right?

Monday - 100% again easy till 9:44pm. How many times in one night does Top Gear (British car show) need to be on? Apparently 3 times because 2 times is just not enough! So then Smug Git is just looking at me I guess because I’m moaning about TOP GEAR!!!!

Me “Stop looking at me”

SG “Cat can look at the queen”

WTF does that mean? I’m going to bed! Because if I don’t I’ll need to throw another banana and hopefully I’ll hit him right between the eyes! Cat can look at the queen again WTF? And if any of you out there know the answer to that question please let me know. No really, let me know.

The rest of the week follows just the same. Honestly I follow the plan to the letter.
Friday night - I’m a bit worried since lately we have been going out for a drink after work but no not this week. I promised you guys I’d do this and so I go home and have dinner and I’m watching the clock till its 9:30 so I can go to bed. Friday without as much as a glass of wine is a poor excuse for a Friday I think. The last time I didn’t have at least a glass of wine on a Friday was about 16 years ago. Seriously!

Saturday Woo hoo! Big weigh in day I wake up really early. 1. Because I was in bed pretty much after my dinner and have slept for about 9 hours and 2. For the first time in forever I can’t wait to get on those scales. I know, can you believe I’m excited about that?

SG drives me to the meeting. Ok bear with me here I have to give credit where credit’s due. SG is super supportive and takes me there and waits in the car (love him really) ok enough of the mushy stuff back to business. Because this is where the fun begins. Word of warning now, if you by chance read this to your children to get them off to sleep at night I’d stop right here. There WILL be tears and bad, bad language and for most of you who know me, you’ll know I’m not a bad language kind of woman so consider yourselves forewarned.

I hand over my weight loss card to the leader who from now and ever after will be known as “Cow Face” I stand on the scales. I have butterflies in my belly and I’m so nervous. She looks at me with no expression on her face then looks at my weight then at my card. She does not tell me what I’ve lost or gained and says “so what have you done differently this week?”

Me “stuck to the plan 100%”

Cow Face “This is a significant weight loss”

Me “WHAT?”

Cow Face “11.2 pounds”

Me “Oh my god! Seriously I’m so, so happy! This is great! I’ve stuck to the plan 100%, this really does work”. The lady who also works there is really happy for me and tells me “Wow you’ll get an award for that!” Then Cow Face, who is looking at me like I’ve cheated or had bypass surgery and not told anyone, goes “No! Because she put on weight since the last time she was here” (about 7months ago). I’m gob smacked so I just take my seat and sit down. The meeting goes something like this, well truth be known, exactly like this. She’s talking about all the usual shite stuff and what you can do to help yourself over the holiday period. Me I’m quietly fuming in the back row. Then this fatty in the front row talks about how she went to the hibachi grill for lunch on Friday and realizes after she’s had lunch just how fattening the food was. DUH! Cow Face - wait for it - gives her a bravo sticker!

Wait… What the fuck! A sticker for realizing after lunch the food was fattening! Seriously! No shit Sherlock! WHERE”S MY STICKER?

Then a Skinny chick get a sticker for managing her work environment. What pray tell did she do? Well she didn’t go to the staffroom where they had cake, is it too late to shout out I did that this week? Ok, it was pizza, same thing.
The best is yet to come. Cow Face proceeds to tell the class that “Today we have 15 members weigh in and have lost a total of 29.2lbs” Everyone gives a wee clap. However, 29.2lbs OF WHICH 11.2 OF SAID POUNDS WERE MINE! But no, not a mention.

Where the FUCK is my sticker. Hello… Still here!

After the class is over I’m so having words with Cow Face. I go to her and I start telling her how disappointed I am and here is where it gets really ugly. My chin starts to do that quivery thing, you know when you’re trying hard not to cry and my voice goes all shaky. What the hell, I left my house a 47 year old obese (not for long) woman and I turn into a 6 year old girl crying over a bravo sticker. I’m telling her it’s not the sticker it’s the fact I worked my ass literally off and I got nothing. Then wait for it - She starts crying! Oh shit, I’ve just made the pregnant Cow Face cry (oh did I forget to mention she was pregers ops!) I didn’t want to make her cry, she made me cry!

I leave, get into the car and bawl my eyes out. SG is just looking at me and I can’t even tell him for sobbing. We go home and the boys are there Gus is just laughing which makes me laugh and Greek Adonis tells me “you should be grounded young lady for crying over a sticker go to your room” which makes me laugh even more then as he walks upstairs he calls back “well today you’re just a sad fat loser” Which is true, today I am a fat loser Yeah!

Serious bit:

Despite Cow Face I will stick to W/W 100% and go back next week and see what she has to say. Watch this space.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Happy Hour

So I’m worried all week about what I’m going to blog about because I know y’all really don’t want to read about how I cycled round the neighborhood for 15 miles. That would be as riveting for you as it was for me and believe me it was as dull as dirt. So, what to blog about? I’m really thinking hard and then it comes to me, I know I’ll tell y’all about last Friday. It might actually go down as one of the funniest days I’ve had in ages. I have a bit of a dilemma however. Should I change the names to protect the innocent? Nah WTH! They are big girls, they can handle it. (I think)

Anyway here goes.

Smug Git drives me to Lesley’s house because it’s her turn to drive to work. We’re driving along and the roads are unusually quiet for a Friday morning in Houston, so quiet in fact we get to school way too early, so I say “let’s go to Starbucks and we can get a coffee”. Great idea. We drive up to the board with the list of all the coffees and goodies and then proceed to start reading out everything that’s on there, mmm, scones, shortcake, strawberry parfait, for us normal people out there that’s just strawberries, yogurt and a wee bit of cereal.

Lesley “I don’t want a coffee I’ve got one here”

Me” I’ll have a skinny cafĂ© late with an extra shot of espresso (coz I’m on a diet!)

Lesley “Really? You don’t really drink coffee”

Me “I know but I’m not paying $3.50 for a tea and I’m tired”

So she drives forward and starts looking all around because she can’t find the speaking bit then realizes she drove past it, she opens the window and starts shouting out the order at the top of her voice and it looks like she’s shouting into the electric meter! Well I’m laughing my ass off but to her credit the girl in Starbucks hears her. To be honest I’m sure they heard her in every Starbucks in a ten mile radius. Then we drive up to the pick-up window, the girl hands over the coffee and Lesley tells her she’s got the order wrong! Really! Too funny - It wasn’t wrong she just called it something different. I kid you not it must have looked like we were just off the boat and had never been to a drive thru before. Then we head off to work – Wait for it… We get stuck behind a train and are late for work.

Later in the morning it’s one of the kids birthday and the mom brings in a cake. Oh my, this cake was amazing! So I just had to have a wee bit just to taste and make sure it was fit for human consumption. Wow it was great and that wee bit ended up as a giant bit. Well I did have a skinny latte, right?

Ok it’s funny so far yeah? Not the end of the day yet.

After work Lesley, Beth and I decide to out for a drink. This is starting to be a bit of a regular occurrence, anyway, we usually like to go to any place with a happy hour. This week we’re in luck, we head to Peli Peli, it has a happy hour and we have a groupon (oh happy day!) it’s like your birthday and Christmas all rolled into one you’d think? Well, not so much! The barman informs us that there’s no happy hour on the food anymore (sucks) and there are only a few drinks on the happy hour list. There’s a mojito, I don’t like mint. Bellini, yuck too sweet. I ask “How about the Peli Peli martini?” “Yes”, he tells me “That’s on happy hour” “Well ok then, now you’re talking, I’ll have one of those”. Lesley has a beer and Beth has an $11 glass of wine. Oh yes $11! You can buy a bottle for that price! My martini is delish it comes with blue cheese stuffed olives yum! We look at the menu for some appetizers and all choose one I have the 6 chicken wings for $6 - Not too pricey I think.

A little later Smug Git comes to pick me up, after a few more drinks we ask for the check. Check arrives $80! What? $80! How the hell did that happen! We call the barman over and query the bill, he then tells us the martinis were not on happy hour so we argue with him for a bit and he eventually takes one of the martinis off so that brought it down to $71 and I know you’re all out there thinking how many martinis did she have? She had 2! I was so mad. This was no happy hour. Oh and by the way I’m wearing this t-shirt that says “Wine takes the bitch right out of me” but apparently only after the vodka martinis put it right back in. Anyway we still had the groupon worth $30.

Just before we leave I decide I’m going to ask for a to-go box for my olives but the girls won’t let me. Spoil sports! So we just pay up and go but just before I leave I pick up the two olives, lick them and put them back in the glass! OMG! It’s so funny you should see Beth’s face, she is telling me how disgusting and horrible I am but I’m just laughing.

I turn round and guess what - the barman just pops them in his mouth!!!

I know y’all are screaming in disgust like Beth right now BUT I was kidding he didn’t! I just thought it would be funny to see all your faces if he did. Best part of this day on the way home Lesley text me the groupon did not come off!

Ha, so it was happy hour after all. Cheers!

Serious bit…

Quick update on the diet drama. Yesterday I went to weight watchers and believe me it hurt. I would love to tell you what I weight as a reason to keep me on the straight and narrow but I’m not sure y’all could keep it a secret! My plan for the week is to follow it 100% and see what happens so come back next week for what may be an interesting read I hope.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

The four letter word

After completing my 25 mile bike ride and having to stop the car on the way home about four times because I thought I was going to be sick, I finally get home lay on the sofa for about 3 hours and I make the sad realization there is no freaking way I can ride the MS150 in the shape I’m in. It’s ok laughing and joking on this blog but I’m gonna die if I try this and I know it’s not next week and I have lots of time to train blah, blah, blah. But I’m worried, I love my food and my beer and yes Amanda I know this blog makes me look like I drink too much but seriously, you know me, I do drink too much!

So what to do? Answers on a post card please!

Ok, so I go to work and I’m talking to one of the teachers who will remain nameless, you know who you are Miss Robson! About how I need to lose some weight, well actually a lot of weight and she says to me I followed this diet and it really worked for me so given that she is tall, gorgeous and super slim I think well ok then I’ll try this one. It’s called the 17 day diet. Oh, did I mention it was a carb free diet! Below is a summary of my first 3 days.

Day one Wednesday

2 scrambled egg whites. Really, who eats that shite, it’s tasteless unless it’s topped with bacon! ½ a grapefruit and a cup of green tea. Lunch; salad with tuna and green tea. I’m not joking I’ve got at least 50 pounds to loose but I’ll be dead by 4:00pm at this rate. Anyway I’m pushing through the hunger I have a banana after work and go to the gym. I hope you’re all impressed out there. Talk to Smug Git and he has agreed to make dinner for him and the boys. I come home from the gym and expect their dinner to be over and Smug Git has not even got the pasta water boiling. I am raging! I swear to god I completely lose the plot and throw a banana right across the kitchen and the banana lands… Wait for it… In the fruit bowl! No joke, I could not have done that if I tried. Then Greek Adonis pipes up “Hey, stop throwing bananas or that’s not the only thing that will be bruised!” But I’m so not laughing. I storm off to my bedroom like a spoiled brat, slam the door and throw myself on the bed. Once I’ve calmed down I enjoy my lovely grilled chicken with steamed vegetables mmmm! I think I went to bed about 8:00pm starving.

Day two Thursday

I’m thinking that the idea of this diet is to only eat stuff you don’t like because I have to eat 6oz of plain Greek yogurt. It took me 4 hours to eat it, I started at 6:30am and finished it at 10:10am at my tea break. I don’t think you realize how much 6oz of yogurt is. Let’s just say a lot! I’m not going to bore y’all with the rest of my food intake for the day because besides leafy vegetables there’s not a lot to talk about. Four o’clock it’s off to the gym but this time I’ll swim – oh look at me cross training! I get changed, go into the pool and start swimming. I do 3lengths of the pool and the lifeguard blows the whistle and calls out “Pool closed” -WHAT! Is he serious? Words can’t begin to express how mad I am. Honestly I’m pissed right off. There’s a swimming instructor on the side right next to me and I ask her “Is he having a laugh?” Oh no ma’am - Don’t start with the ma’am thing. But then I spot a manager and I call him over and start shouting at him bear in mind I’m in the pool, he is on the deck and I’m just ranting and raving about disrespect, crap staff, anything I can think off. I get out of the pool and get changed. I’ve been in the gym a total of 15 minutes so I go out find the manager and start shouting at him again and cancel my membership and demand a refund NOW which I get, but I don’t feel any better. You know what I really need? A big carb laden baked potato, but no, I go home and have my grilled fish. It’s only day 2. I’m sure it will get better tomorrow. Right?

Day 3 Friday

Still no carbs but I do get 2 hardboiled eggs for breakfast, well that’s good. I’m feeling happy today, like I’ve actually eaten food, yeah! Today we have PE and I think instead of just looking the part I will do the class. For a warm up we play battle ships, you know the game where someone call out port, starboard, north and south and you have to run to that position. Wow those kids are fast and it was so much fun especially when the teacher calls out “woman and children first” a bunch of them (note the banana reference) are all running with me and when she calls this out they all try to sit on my back, so funny. Needless to say I did not win this game but I laughed so hard, I think as grownups we should play games more often and I did not think of carbs once.

Friday night out. So, quick question… Is alcohol a carb? Yeah, I know the answer to that question. Had a bit of a carb over load and I don’t think you’ll be surprised to hear I felt very calm and relaxed. Carbs are a wonderful thing but I know y’all will be disappointed that no bananas were thrown BUT WAIT I did have a stand up fight with Smug Git in the middle of What-a-burger parking lot and I know before you say it there’s carbs in burgers but needless to say I did not get one but I did go home in another stinker of a mood and stuff my face with 2 bits of cold pizza and after that I crammed as many whoppers (malteesers) in my mouth as I could get and believe me when I say the word hamster springs to mind.

Ok three days or should I say 2 and a half days of no carbs is 2 and a half too many. Miss Robson I take my hat off to you, that’s why you’re thin and gorgeous. And I’ll just have to be content with being calm and fat. My god that was an experience I don’t want to repeat any time soon.

So back to the diet drawing board, if any of you out there know of a way to help me lose weight or are willing to pay for surgery I’m open to all suggestions or donations. I know I should be looking for donations for MS150 but I’m thinking that can weight. (Pun intended) Oh and by the way this is week 6 of this stupid endeavor and I’ve cycled a total of 113 miles lost wait for it… 3 pounds WTF!!!

To donate not for weight loss but to help me reach my $400 MS150 goal follow this link:

Sunday, November 13, 2011

F*@#ing stupid blog!

Due to unforeseen circumstances I’m blogging about today. Last weeks blog while funny will have to wait till next week. During this week I was a bit worried that I would run out of things to blog about so when Smug Git asked me if I wanted to do a 25 mile training ride on Sunday, given that I had did 13 miles the weekend before and as I said I was worried I would have nothing to blog about I stupidly said yes sure!

So it’s Sunday morning and I’ve committed to ride the Elves and More 25 mile bike ride. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking she’ll never do that and I’m thinking the same thing too. This is the last thing I want to do.

F*@#ing stupid blog!

I had to miss a night out last night because I was so tired and was so worried about this. Anyway I’m lying in bed is 5:30am with butterflies, a dodgy tummy, a stiff neck and I feel sick. Who’s stupid idea was this?

Stupid Smug Git.

Stupid bike ride.

Stupid shiny bike.

Stupid F*@#ing blog.

Oh then I get up in the dark and stub my wee toe. arggh!

I look over at SG and I ask “what are you doing?”

SG “Looking at the weather”

Me “Do you have to ride in the rain?”

SG “Yep”

What! If there is a God up there please don’t make it rain. But you know Gods up there going ok lady I’ll give you something to blog about!

7:24am and I’m in the car. What the hell am I doing? God must have had a lie in this morning because sky is clear. She so missed her chance to rain on me ha! Thanks God.

We are just getting to the parking lot and there’s about 15 cars parked. What, I got out of bed for this. Are you kidding me? Wait that’s the church parking lot - we’re going to the high school. We get there and there’s about 100 cars there and eww! All the guys have their tops off. Why! Dear God why! Can I just say unless you have the perfect body there should be some kind of law against it! I look round and the man in the car next to me has his top off and is so hairy I immediately have an urge to throw him a banana.

WTF! Smug Git has his top off and women & small children are running around bumping into things their eyes are apparently burning. Seriously I feel like we have just driven into some parallel universe. It’s kind of scary.

All the women are supper skinny and fit looking. Oh, I hate these bitches AND they all have the gear on including fancy glasses with wee mirrors attached. I’m not quite sure what they are for except to make the bike rider look ridiculous. I like the glasses on the skinny women.

Apparently SG says women take their tops of at the end. Nice try fat boy.

Exciting news! You get a number to put on you back! Oh I’m so happy, I’m now number 1172. I feel like Lance Armstrong. Are there not any famous women cyclists? Y-izzi-y there is!!! ;)

The bike ride starts with no problems. We stop at 5 miles for a drink (water) then I get a wasp stuck in my helmet. Yup no joke. But I was ok it didn’t sting thankfully. The scenery was so pretty but no time to waste, onwards to first rest stop at 10 miles. Low and behold Santa was there. I’m thinking the Elves thing had something to do with that. I really need a Gatorade but the glasses are like thimbles seriously see picture I’m like “SG look at the size of the glasses” and he starts laughing. Well how was I supposed to know you filled your water bottle Smug Git. I thought we could stay as long as we wanted but we were the last to arrive and they were packing up so I drank my 2 thimbles and it was back on the bike.

Second rest stop was 20 miles no Santa but some very nice volunteers. Big shout out to the people who volunteer, you are all awesome! When I got off the bike here I was so so tired & shaky and I felt sick. I had a drink and something to eat then back on the bike. 5 miles to go but I guess they decided to save the biggest hill till last! There is no way I can get up that hill, not even half way I had to get off and walk up got to the top. When I got there I threw my shiny bike and new helmet down on the grass and wanted to throw up. Oh God I’m so sorry about all the jokes please just get me to the end of this, PLEASE I’ll never drink again please!

I can’t believe I have to get back on can I just walk the rest of the way SG “NO, it’s just right at the traffic lights”. Ok back on we turn right at the light and I can see the sign saying thank you and a truck of young boys come past and start cheering yeah you made it! And that was all I needed I find the last bit of energy I have left and get over the finish line and back to the car!!! Sorry God I had my fingers crossed.

Serious bit…

I’ve just rode 25 miles.

Give me money!

Follow my link :

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Obese! When did that happen?

Well this week I have no work so I can get down to some serious training. Right? But I’m so, so tired I think I’ll just have Monday to sit on the sofa and catch up with the Conrad Murray trial. I switch on court TV or whatever it’s called now and the presenters are like “Hi Izzi, nice to have you back” because before I went back to work full time that was all I watched. Smug Git says Tru TV have been in touch with him to ask where I’ve gone…Anyway I sit on the sofa and eat my way through a small mountain of food - well I am on holiday!

Tomorrow I have the dreaded doctor’s appointment to see if I really should commit to doing this bike ride. I’m secretly hoping she will take one look at me and tell me not to be ridiculous.

The Doctor’s office.

Ok, so for all my many blog followers who don’t live in America this is an experience. First thing I have to do is get weighed. I was thinking I might tell y’all what I weight but I’m not sure y’all can be trusted to keep it a secret so I’ll just keep that little chestnut to myself.

Nurse “do you want a flu shot?”

Me “NO”

Then she starts asking me stupid random questions “how long have I been married… last period… how many children… birth control… do I smoke” then she turns away from me and asks (not looking at me) “would you like to be tested for STD’s?” What the….do I look like I need to be tested? I’m not sure if I should feel insulted or not. Last week the bike shop boy was calling me Ma’am and this week the nurse thinks I look like I may need tested for STD’s!

Or maybe it’s because I’m walking funny after riding my bike!

The doctor comes in looks at my file and tells me going by my weight I fall into the obese category. What is this, insult the patient day because if it is these two are doing a top job!

She then asks me how much I exercise and do I drink alcohol, I tell her I drink a few times a week and she says “let’s say 2 a week” and I kind of laugh a bit and say “well maybe 4” and she says ok and I pray to god she’s talking bottles.
Anyway I tell her I have a plan and that I’m going to do the MS150 and I’m now thinking she’s going to say something along the lines of what are you crazy you’re an obese, alcoholic tramp don’t be so ridiculous but no she’s all wow that’s a great idea you just have to do the training try swimming as well as biking I’m sure you can do it I’ll see you in six months’ time and you can let me know how it goes.

Shit! It might be 9:00am but I need a drink. Now I really have to do this!

Oh well training is back to the drawing board.

Smug Git and I are off to Austin to the finish line since it may be the only time I actually get there. I don’t know if you know this it’s quite a long drive and I’m supposed to ride that on a bike. But as all my lovely friends keep telling me I can do it.

Austin is a fantastic place we saw the bats and found an Irish bar called Fado. The atmosphere was great and the all-day breakfast was awesome however it’s kind off embarrassing when Smug Git wants to lick the plate. Quote is the day SG “I love this place. I don’t know what it is but as soon as you come in here you have to start swearing!” Really?

Ok back to bike stuff. We went to Lance Armstrong’s bike shop called Mellow Johnny’s and he was there and he came over and said “Hey Izzi, love the blog!” Kidding he wasn’t there but we thought we might buy something to make me feel like a real bike rider but to say it was overpriced would be an understatement so we left with nothing.
Back home I did get on the bike and had a very successful seven mile bike ride, oh my things are looking up! Austin here I come.

Serious bit…

Firstly here is my link

Multiple sclerosis (or MS) is a chronic, often disabling disease that attacks the central nervous system (CNS), which is made up of the brain, spinal cord, and optic nerves. Symptoms may be mild, such as numbness in the limbs, or severe, such as paralysis or loss of vision. The progress, severity, and specific symptoms of MS are unpredictable and vary from one person to another. Today, new treatments and advances in research are giving new hope to people affected by the disease.

MS is Thought to be an Autoimmune Disease. The body’s own defense system attacks myelin, the fatty substance that surrounds and protects the nerve fibers in the central nervous system. The nerve fibers themselves can also be damaged. The damaged myelin forms scar tissue (sclerosis), which gives the disease its name. When any part of the myelin sheath or nerve fiber is damaged or destroyed, nerve impulses traveling to and from the brain and spinal cord are distorted or interrupted, producing the variety of symptoms that can occur.

Most people with MS learn to cope with the disease and continue to lead satisfying, productive lives.

By donating to my page we can help the National MS Society move forward toward a world without MS and making a difference in the lives of 400,000 Americans with multiple sclerosis.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Cuts and Bruises Here I Come

Right, where did I leave off last week oh that’s right shiny new bike and helmet, training here I come! Well the bike sat in the garage till Greek Adonis noticed the helmet.

Greek Adonis “Hey Mom, did you get a bike?”

Me”I sure did”

Greek Adonis “wow that’s a cool bike, cut and bruises here I come, I know what to get you for Christmas - Neosporin and Band-Aids.”

Me “Cheeky wee shite”

And so the bike sat quietly in the garage. I’m still not quite sure how to go about this training stuff. I don’t really have a plan so I go into school on Friday and we have PE. I have to get my kit on like the kids, I’m not quite sure why because we just stand about looking… Well, let’s just say looking the part.

But today I think this could be my chance to start training - you know work out with 6 year olds - I’d say that was about my level of fitness, you’d think right? Well not so much. I tell one of the little girls that I’ll be on her relay team because they are one person short and she huffs and rolls her eyes and says “oh no!” Seriously I think, am I that bad? Well apparently yes. Ok I’ll have to rethink this I think a visit to the doctor to make sure that I should take on this challenge!

But first a wee after school glass of wine with the girlies. I see a pattern here. A few glasses of wine later.

Lesley “oooh can I come see your new bike?”

Me “yes sure”

She goes out to the garage and she’s all oh that’s so cool and can I try it on! And then proceeds to get on the shiny new stationary bike and immediately falls off! She’s worse at this than me but to be fair I haven’t actually got on the shiny new bike except with the help of two men and a bike stand.

Shiny new bike 1 shite bike riders 0

Saturday afternoon and so the training begins…..

I muster up the energy and the guts to go out on the bike but I’ve already told Smug Git that I’m only going round the school parking lot (five laps is one mile) and that I need to practice starting and stopping because while I can actually pedal it’s just the starting and stopping I have the problems with. Three miles later and lots of practice and I think I’ve got it down. I don’t want to push my luck so I come home and if you remember right at the start of this ridiculous adventure he promised me a beer after each training ride so I sit on the sofa and have a beer. Happy to report, although it was a Saturday night, I only had one other beer but did have to go to bed at 10:30pm. Wow! 3 miles takes it out of you, maybe it was all the stopping and starting.

I waken up on Sunday morning and I’m raring to go Smug Git is shocked but I get my kit on and it’s back on the bike, round the parking lot for a mile and then wait for it….out on the roads! I know can you believe it? Look what happens when you don’t drink beer and have an early night, I feel like I can do anything. Five miles later we head back to the parking lot because I need to practice trying to take my white knuckled hands of the handle bars since I can’t feel my fingers. I get to the parking lot one happy bike rider. I’m minding my own business trying to get some feeling back in my hands when from the corner of my eye I see a little girl on her bike…Shiny bike with a basket and streamers and she’s headed my way to the parking lot! Are you kidding me? She starts chasing me round the parking lot, obviously beating me, zig zaging in and out of me all giggling and laughing and I swear to god I’ll take her out! Does she not know I’m exhausted, I’ve been riding for miles! What is it with these six year old girls I think their just jealous and got it in for me. Mean girls!

Back home Smug Git is in the kitchen.

Smug Git “So you happy?”

Me “yes! Oh my god I can hear you smiling. Stop smiling and get me a beer!”

Serious bit…..

Firstly here is my link

What is the BP MS 150?

The BP MS 150 is a two-day fundraising cycling ride organized by the National MS Society: Lone Star. This ride is the largest event of its kind in North America. In 2011, the event raised more than $16 million for MS.The ride is a 180-mile journey for MS from Houston to Austin. Breakpoints are positioned every 8-15 miles. The ride begins Saturday morning at three convenient starting points: Tully Stadium in Houston, Rhodes Stadium in Katy and Waller Stadium in Waller. Riders follow scenic roads into Bellville for lunch. Day One ends at the Fayette County Fairgrounds overnight in La Grange.

On Sunday morning Club 300 members lead the mass on one of two routes that lead to Bastrop Intermediate School for lunch from the fairgrounds. Take the Bechtel Challenge Route and enjoy the rolling terrain of Bastrop and Buescher State Parks or bypass the parks via the Pfizer Lunch Express Route. The final leg of Day Two takes riders into Austin for exciting Finish Line festivities at the capital.

Thanks for reading see y’all next week!

Next week my doctors visit and trip to the finish line.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

A funny thing happened on the way to the bike shop

OK so last Sunday I had a few beers watching the Texans lose 14 – 29 to the Baltimore Ravens (oh come on Texans get your act together) I decided enough with the beer and chips I need to start training, that bike will not ride itself but that’s quite funny since I don’t even have a bike but at least I’m thinking about training… right?

To be honest I couldn’t really think about it for long because we had tickets to go see Idina Menzel sing with the Houston Symphonic at Jones Hall. Wow! What a fantastic show she is an amazing entertainer. Finally get home and get to bed around midnight then I can’t sleep because all I can think about it the MS 150, I fall asleep thinking about my week ahead, the training and diet plan.

Monday morning I pack my super healthy lunch - fruits, veggies, carbs and protein sounds good yeah? It was really just a sandwich, tomato and cucumber some raspberries and a yoghurt. But I have my gym gear because I’m going to do a spin class after work. Well….no, I was so tired because of my late night so I went home made dinner and lay on the sofa for the evening.

Tuesday, Tuesday will be better.


I remembered I have a night out with the girls from work because it’s half term. I feel like the world is against me! I have such a hard life, when am I going to fit in this training? I eat too much and it’s very hard not to drink when it’s happy hour. Fun night with the girlies though! I’d love to say the training was going rapidly downhill but that’d mean it have actually got up the hill this training was a nonstarter.

I have a plan for Wednesday

No, really I do.

The bike shop. I’m meeting Smug Git there after work, he is so excited, me, not so much! I’m driving home with one of my BFF’s Lesley and since I’m not meeting Smug Git for a while I go to her house.

Lesley “do you want a glass of wine”

Me “I don’t think so, I’m going to the bike shop”

Lesley “I’ll put soda in it”

Me “oh, ok then”

Lesley “do you need to be sober when you try on a bike?”

OMG! I laughed so much I nearly dropped my wine!

So I finally get to Bike Barn, Smug Git’s favorite store and as I’m walking in I feel like I’m going to the dentist. I’ve sweaty palms and a huge knot in my tummy. Anyways, the sales guy comes over tells me it’s his day off but he’ll help me anyway. Who the hell goes to work on their day off! I’ll say all the nice things about him first. Very knowledgeable young man definitely knows his stuff about bikes, very efficient, but must have left his sense of humor chained up with his bike.

I could not get this kid to crack even a smirk, nothing, he’s making this way harder than it need to be. I’m trying everything - fat jokes, old jokes, can’t ride jokes. Then - I kid you not - he gives me a lecture on being committed! Seriously he’s 16!!

Anyway he puts the bike on the stand

Me “will that hold me”

Him “oh yes Ma’am absolutely that bike is built to hold…” Ok stop right there. Ma’am. When did I get Ma’am old.

I just laugh “I meant the stand!”

Eventually we’re at the cash desk buying the fancy road bike and a helmet and I casually ask about the lycra shorts and do I have to wear them?

He says, so seriously “ they help with drag.”

I think, has he actually looked at me the whole time? And I say “Really? They’ll help with drag. For me! Unless the shorts are dragging me along I think not.” The store manages almost choked laughing. Wow, someone in the store with a sense of humor at last my job is done.

I know my training has not gone as planned but I’m now the proud owner of a shiny new bike and helmet. Bike riding here I come!

Serious bit now…

I am riding for my friend Beth Read. Beth has written a piece for me that I will share in the coming weeks but I just wanted to say a wee bit about Beth beforehand. I am very fortunate to be able to call Beth my friend, she is kind, caring and has a great sense of humor, a must if you’re a friend of mine. Beth’s MS does not hold her back from doing anything she wants. It’s because of generous people like you that Beth can continue to fight this disease. Please if you can follow this link and give a few dollars to MS it will be very much appreciated.

Thanks for reading see y’all next week!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Look what happens when you drink...

Ok so I’m talking to Iain about him doing the MS150 this year and he says “why don’t you do it” and I laugh, seriously, are you kidding? I love my food and I’ve been known, as my friends will tell you, to partake in a small adult beverage on an occasion as I was at that very moment! A few adult beverages later I think I could do that I could cycle 170ish miles from Houston to Austin over two days and as I’m saying the words out loud my 18 year old Greek Adonis shouts down from his bedroom. “Nope no way you can do that you can’t even make it to the gym once a week” (he has got a point) “AND every time you get on your bike you fall off” (ok another good point)

So far Greek Adonis 2 fat drunken mother 0.

I won’t bore Y’all with the back and forth that followed but suffice to say being the pigheaded - I can do anything I put my mind to - idiot I’m now signed up to do it!

I’ve been told by Iain (why don’t you do it) smug git that I have to write a bit about me. I’m not sure why because anyone reading this already knows me but just in case someone out there in blog land who doesn’t know me might want to read it. So here goes new blog friend enjoy!

Obviously I’m a tad crazy 47 year old fat mother of two with a slight drinking problem, when I tell you I’m originally from Scotland it all becomes clear. Iain who will now be known as Smug Git bought me my first bike when I was 30 years old (I kid you not.) I did not have a bike growing up hence the reason I keep falling off, so when I say I’m worried about doing this I’m not joking but I will give it my best shot! And you can look forward to my weekly training escapades. My next blog will be ‘The Bike Shop’ oh how I look forward to that trip. Can you wear a burka on a bike?

Serious bit now…

Multiple sclerosis is a progressive neurological disease that affects people in many different ways. It could be paralysis one day, loss of vision the next or impaired memory the day after that. Living with MS means living with uncertainty.

When it comes to MS, only two things are certain:

• Another American is newly diagnosed with MS every hour of every day.
• Many people are joining the movement toward a world free of MS – including me.

I've registered for BP MS 150 to fulfill a personal challenge, and to help the National MS Society fund research, advocate for change, and help people with MS and their families lead powerful lives. I believe in the work they do and want to be an active part of it. I know I can count on your help.

The Society organizes 100 rides nationwide. The funds they raise fuel research aimed at treating and eventually curing MS; they also provide crucial services for persons living with MS.
I’m helping the National MS Society move forward toward a world without MS and making a difference in the lives of 400,000 Americans with multiple sclerosis.

To donate to follow this link

I really wanted to end on a serious note but I just looked over and Smug Git is already on the bike barn web site!