Sunday, June 10, 2012

Damn those Cowboys

I know what I want to tell you all this week but every time I talk about it I get so depressed and I’m not sure I want to go down that road this morning.  First things first this diet malarkey is driving me nuts and I think I have slipped off the wagon. Well slipped makes it sound so accidental. I think the rest of the cowboys have thrown me head first off the wagon and have left me lying in Indian territory face down in the dirt. As I get to my feet and look the wagon is way off in the distance and I can’t run fast enough to get back on. HELP! I need some words of encouragement from you people out there who read my blog. Leave me a comment in the comment section or leave one on Facebook.  But you have to do something, come on I’m dying out here. Oh and I think I’ve put on three pounds. Arrrgh!

Oh well here goes nothing.  As most of you who have been following my blog know that around January I hurt my leg. By the end of February I could not stand the pain anymore and went to the doctors. After many lotions, potions and pills which worked to no avail I then went for an x-ray and low and behold the x-ray found the beginning of arthritis! WTF! I’m only 47 but now I find myself watching all the commercials with cute couples going on bike rides (note to self-get a basket for your bike) who have arthritis but are leading pain free lives with the help of some wonder drug and all I have to do is ask my medical provider (drug dealer). I can do that I thought so off I go back to the drug dealer - oops! Sorry - doctor but she was from the old school “oh no I can’t just give you drugs, we need to send you to the orthopedic doctor”. So, after an MRI and another doctor with a “I’m not sure what is wrong with your leg but you don’t have arthritis (that’s a bonus) I can’t see anything wrong”.  So I tell him “but I’m in so much pain can I have some pain killers?” And I have to tell you he was certainly not a drug dealer. He gave me a very stern lecture about abusing prescription drugs so would not give me any pain killers. If this pain keeps up I’m seriously going to go out on the street and find me a dealer pronto.  But I will say he was happy to supply me with copious amounts of Ambian (apparently not habit forming… Well not if instead of taking them you drink gin, coz gin puts me right to sleep.)

Finally the doc agrees to physical therapy for me and I’m sure you all remember how that went - lots of tears and snot if I remember right. I start working with the PT and after two sessions I go back and I have a new PT. She is called Lilly and I am NOT happy - oh for fuck sake now I have to go over all this shit again. My face is like thunder and I’m answering her with one word answers pretty much like a spoiled 15 year old.  Then Lilly says

Lilly “Can you lie on the bed?”

Me, sullenly “Yup”

Lilly “I’m going to have to push on you pubic bone will that be ok?”

Me, still sullenly “Yup”

Lilly “It’s going to be very close to your private area”

Me “It’s fine” I’m thinking I don’t care where you push just get this pain away ya stupid tart!

Then Lilly pulls over this little foot stool (she is tiny) and now she is towering over me. She gets her two thumbs and places them on my pubic bone and presses with all her 100 pound frame and I almost hit the roof (she may have been getting her own back for me being a bitch) Oh my god the pain, she looks at me and says “I think I know what is wrong with you”

Me “you do?” (With a big smile on my face)

Lilly “Yes in fact I know what is wrong with you” (I think I might quite like lilly)

She takes me over to the skeleton and shows me the pubic bones and explains that mine are out of alignment along with my pelvis.

Ok what? And then it dawns on me…..Oh no no no! You have got to be kidding, my Hoo-Ha, Vajaja, Flower whatever the hell you like to call yours. Mine is BROKE!  And now to make matters worse I have a new PT (and he’s a guy)because Lilly is off on vacation. How selfish! I have a broken Hoo-Ha and she buggers off for a holiday. I’m gob smacked!  (Ok she’s back off the Christmas card list)

Tuesday comes along and I go meet my new PT he is very nice and checks Lilly’s diagnosis out and agrees with her so I start working with him and I now have to wear this stupid belt around my pelvis 23 hours a day and do lots of PT at home but I’m hoping that this might be me on the mend fingers crossed.

Back to the wagon I think I can see it in the distance so my promise to all of you out there who support me fat or thin that from today I will count my points all week and see if I can catch up with that wagon before next Saturdays weigh in.  And with my new dress accessory the hoo-ha belt I’m now able to exercise so back on the bike for me.

Thanks for reading. Love y’all iz x  


  1. Oh Izzi! You never fail to lift my spirits and leave me thinking that I too should get more serious about the whole diet and exercise wagon! Keep chasing the wagon, they'll have to stop sooner or later and you will be there to tell the cowboys "Ha! It's going to take more than a few Indians to stop you from succeeding!"...Keep the stories coming, you have a real gift!

  2. Thanks denab I think I may have spotted a lone cowboy down yonder and I have my eye on him. I hope he has a limp then I might just have a chance of catching him. I'm hanging in there today. Thanks for commenting means a lot. <3