It’s Monday June 3, 2013 officially the first day of my summer
vacation and since starting my fifty till fifty I’ve lost 4 pounds (it’s better
than nothing) and I’m now on my fourth personal trainer. Why do these things
happen to me? Normally during the summer break I average about a 10 pound gain
by the time I go back to work in August but this year I’m hoping it will be 10
pounds in the other direction. First though I guess I should fill you in on how
on earth I managed to get through 3 personal trainers.
Smug Git and I went to LA Fitness to have a look about and
to think about joining. I have to say it’s a very nice gym, well as gyms go it’s
nice and of course it’s full of poncey people that love themselves and tons of
buff teenage boys. Ok I’m just going to say this, teenagers did not look that
buff when I was at school. Well the boys didn’t, some of the girls - now that’s
a different story! Seriously though boys were never that buff and what is it
with the protein shake? All the buff people have a protein shake stuck to their
hand (hmmm maybe that’s where I’m going wrong, that and a few hundred other
things.) Anyway I digress. We decide we are going to sign up and actually get a
good deal so I have an appointment to see a personal trainer called Patrick the
next day.
Wow! Patrick! Or should I say Perfect Patrick this guy is
BUFF! He has arms the size of a small child (oh and not as Smug Git says wee
tiny baby arms) He’s huge and handsome and did I say perfect? Oh god I think
I’m drooling a bit, I’ll need to wipe my chin before I carry on. I go and meet
with him and I come over all smiley and giggly like a big stupid teenager and I
start talking shite like “I rode the MS150 and I write a blog” coz I know
that’s going to impress him, right? Well you never know it might have - well
until I had to tell him what I weigh but being perfect he says “no you don’t
weigh that much”. Told ya - Perfect!
Then Perfect Patrick did the funniest thing he brings out
this piece of equipment that looked exactly like an Xbox controller and he
tells me I have to squeeze the two handles as hard as I can and this will
measure my body fat content but first he has to put in my weight and height
it’s then I start to laugh he might be perfect but he’s not very bright well I
guess you can’t have everything. I mean
seriously I could have squeezed his fingers and told him the same thing the
bloody Xbox controller did. My body fat
content was very high. Really? No shit Sherlock! So the next thing I know I’m
signing up for a personal trainer two days a week (oh god help me now).
Trainer number 1
Candy, sweet little girl with a no nonsense attitude but
with no sense of humor. She did make me laugh when, after our first workout,
she gave me her cell number and told me to call or text her if I had any
questions and then she says “You do know how to text right?”. WTF! How old did
she think I was? I was texting before she was out of diapers! I had a few great workouts with her but one
of the most memorable was when she had me do jumping jacks and I told her that
it was not a good idea since I had a bladder control issue. She looked at me as
if I was speaking a foreign language (to her, maybe I was) she told me to just
stop when I had to and I told her no worries I’d just stop when I slipped on
the pee on the floor. Ha! that made her laugh.
But sadly Candy got fired L.
I liked Candy, but then… who doesn’t like candy!
Trainer number 2
Helga, big, giant, dark haired girl with a mole and a mustache.
Well ok she was tall, skinny and beautiful. Or she would have been if she
smiled. She did not like fat people, so I did not like Helga. I preferred to
think of her as big and moley with a mustache.
She would not talk to me and could barely look in my direction but I don’t
know why that should surprise me as gyms all over the world are like that. Skinny
people think there’s something wrong with you if you’re fat and that if they
talk to you they may catch the fat virus (oops bit of a rant there). Anyway, it
was no surprise when she did not show up for me the next day. Shocker right?
Trainer number 3
The lovely Scott! What can I say about Scott, great wee
trainer, nice young man. I had some fantastic workouts with him but as they say
all good things must come to an end and Smug Git needs the help much more than
me so he is now training with Scott.
And me?
Well I’m now on to…..
Trainer number 4
Are y’all ready for this?
I’m now training with Greek Adonis
and my first training day is today. Now this
is going to go one of two ways; I’m going to lose all my weight & look
fantastic or I’ll lose all my weight eating prison food because I’ve murdered
the wee shite. Either way I’ll be looking a lot better.
Wish me luck till next time…..Iz
Quick update I’m just back from my first work out with Greek
Adonis and there is another scenario I may just collapse and die during a
workout… help!
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