It’s Monday June 3, 2013 officially the first day of my summer vacation and since starting my fifty till fifty I’ve lost 4 pounds (it’s better than nothing) and I’m now on my fourth personal trainer. Why do these things happen to me? Normally during the summer break I average about a 10 pound gain by the time I go back to work in August but this year I’m hoping it will be 10 pounds in the other direction. First though I guess I should fill you in on how on earth I managed to get through 3 personal trainers.
Smug Git and I went to LA Fitness to have a look about and to think about joining. I have to say it’s a very nice gym, well as gyms go it’s nice and of course it’s full of poncey people that love themselves and tons of buff teenage boys. Ok I’m just going to say this, teenagers did not look that buff when I was at school. Well the boys didn’t, some of the girls - now that’s a different story! Seriously though boys were never that buff and what is it with the protein shake? All the buff people have a protein shake stuck to their hand (hmmm maybe that’s where I’m going wrong, that and a few hundred other things.) Anyway I digress. We decide we are going to sign up and actually get a good deal so I have an appointment to see a personal trainer called Patrick the next day.
Wow! Patrick! Or should I say Perfect Patrick this guy is BUFF! He has arms the size of a small child (oh and not as Smug Git says wee tiny baby arms) He’s huge and handsome and did I say perfect? Oh god I think I’m drooling a bit, I’ll need to wipe my chin before I carry on. I go and meet with him and I come over all smiley and giggly like a big stupid teenager and I start talking shite like “I rode the MS150 and I write a blog” coz I know that’s going to impress him, right? Well you never know it might have - well until I had to tell him what I weigh but being perfect he says “no you don’t weigh that much”. Told ya - Perfect!
Then Perfect Patrick did the funniest thing he brings out this piece of equipment that looked exactly like an Xbox controller and he tells me I have to squeeze the two handles as hard as I can and this will measure my body fat content but first he has to put in my weight and height it’s then I start to laugh he might be perfect but he’s not very bright well I guess you can’t have everything. I mean seriously I could have squeezed his fingers and told him the same thing the bloody Xbox controller did. My body fat content was very high. Really? No shit Sherlock! So the next thing I know I’m signing up for a personal trainer two days a week (oh god help me now).
Trainer number 1
Candy, sweet little girl with a no nonsense attitude but with no sense of humor. She did make me laugh when, after our first workout, she gave me her cell number and told me to call or text her if I had any questions and then she says “You do know how to text right?”. WTF! How old did she think I was? I was texting before she was out of diapers! I had a few great workouts with her but one of the most memorable was when she had me do jumping jacks and I told her that it was not a good idea since I had a bladder control issue. She looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language (to her, maybe I was) she told me to just stop when I had to and I told her no worries I’d just stop when I slipped on the pee on the floor. Ha! that made her laugh. But sadly Candy got fired L.
I liked Candy, but then… who doesn’t like candy!
Trainer number 2
Helga, big, giant, dark haired girl with a mole and a mustache. Well ok she was tall, skinny and beautiful. Or she would have been if she smiled. She did not like fat people, so I did not like Helga. I preferred to think of her as big and moley with a mustache. She would not talk to me and could barely look in my direction but I don’t know why that should surprise me as gyms all over the world are like that. Skinny people think there’s something wrong with you if you’re fat and that if they talk to you they may catch the fat virus (oops bit of a rant there). Anyway, it was no surprise when she did not show up for me the next day. Shocker right?
Trainer number 3
The lovely Scott! What can I say about Scott, great wee trainer, nice young man. I had some fantastic workouts with him but as they say all good things must come to an end and Smug Git needs the help much more than me so he is now training with Scott.
Well I’m now on to…..
Trainer number 4
Are y’all ready for this?
I’m now training with Greek Adonis and my first training day is today. Now this is going to go one of two ways; I’m going to lose all my weight & look fantastic or I’ll lose all my weight eating prison food because I’ve murdered the wee shite. Either way I’ll be looking a lot better.
Wish me luck till next time…..Iz
Quick update I’m just back from my first work out with Greek Adonis and there is another scenario I may just collapse and die during a workout… help!