Sunday, May 27, 2012

Magic Elixir

On a Monday morning I feel like it’s always an uphill battle through the coming week trying to lose the weight that I’ve gained over the weekend. Every Monday the same thing and I know as I’ve been told often enough the definition of stupidity is to keep doing the same things and expect a different result. So you’d think by now I would do something different but no not me. Still pigging out and then dieting like a crazy woman through the week and what an eventful week it has been.  It started off just fine, diet going well. Then on Tuesday I found the magic potion to help you lose weight! 

Oh now, I bet I have all your attention right? Well as you all know, ok some of you know, I try not to eat carbs during the day and when I say carbs that’s code for bread. Bread is the wonder food, the food that if I had to choose one carbohydrate to eat for the rest of my life it would be bread. I love it toasted, baked, stuffed, deep fried, dipped it soup… Oh you get the picture I love it! Anyway back to the magic potion. At lunch time you take one activia yogurt any flavor and a fair amount of fresh fruit, any kind. I had melon, strawberry’s, raspberry’s and grapes. Now this is the most important bit of the potion - Do not, I repeat  do not stray too far away from a restroom. I’d recommend your own because when it’s time your backside will explode. I kid you not, you can weigh yourself after and you’ll be at least a pound lighter! Awesome!

On Wednesday thank god I did not have the magic potion for lunch because on Wednesday evening Lesley and I were coming home from work in rush hour traffic. We take our exit off the freeway which thankfully was quite quiet and I pull over to the far right lane, I put my foot on the clutch to change down from fifth to stop and nothing! The gear stick was just freely moving about in my hand! The gear box had gone - oh my god what am I going to do? I know I said it was quiet but not now, now I can see hundreds of irate car owners in my rear view mirror trying to get round me and then I see the police car.  Lesley got out and spoke to the officer meanwhile I’m still sitting in the car with one foot on the clutch and one foot on the brake because I know if I take my foot off the clutch the car will stall. So I call Smug Git and I’m screaming down the phone like an idiot and calmly in his best Smug Git voice he says “All you have to do is switch off the ignition and put on the hand brake” Fuck! Why did I not think of that? Smug bastard!

The police officer comes over to me asks me what seems to be the matter ma’am (no really he did say that) I explained with my fastest panicked Scottish accent all about the gear box after which he kind of dropped his head to the side and gave me a vacant expression. I realized he had no idea what I just said so I slowed down and told him all over again and he told me I would need to get a tow truck and asked me if I wanted him to get me one. I said yes and how long would it take to get a tow truck here? Then poof! He pointed right in front of me and there it was like a mirage right before my eyes all gleaming in the Texas sunshine, my knight in shining armor - Smug Git? No, the lovely tow truck driver. Who hooked up Poppy and took her to the shop.  So now you know why I was lucky I did not have the magic potion for lunch there would have been tears, snot and shit everywhere!

The rest of the week went ok no more dramas and on Friday I decided I would not do as I always do I’d try something different - like not pig out. So needless to say I was in bed by 9:00pm but it paid off I went to weight watchers and lost ½ a pound.  OK so here is where it gets really funny so I’m going to a birthday party that evening and I have to buy a gift. I go to the store and I think - I know I’ll get a nice little cute nightie. I find the cutest one and I think now that I’m no longer a 200 pound woman  I’m going to get one for me too so I pick up a large and head home.  Later when I’m getting ready to go out I think I’ll try the nightie on. I put it over my head and put one arm in. It feels a tad tight but I put the other arm in… Well when I say in I’ve got my right arm up in the air and the nightie is on just over my elbow and I’m stuck in that position - I swear to god I can’t get the stupid nightie off! By now the sweat is running down by back, my face is purple because I’m bent over trying to get it off with the hand that has the sleeve all the way on. Oh no I’m going to have to call Smug Git in to help me. This was supposed to be a surprise for him and believe me he’ll be surprised if he has to come help and sees me like this! I look like I’m trying to escape from a strait jacket, and then I hear a little pop! Oh shit! The stitching is coming away. Right, calm down. Deep breath. I try one more time and thankfully I get it off. I’m not kidding I look at it and think there must be a zipper or buttons that I’ve missed at the back but no there’s not I’m just still fat and I guess in lingerie I’m an extra-large!  

The nightie is now hanging up in the bathroom as a constant reminder and hopefully it will be the motivation to help me get into it with no help from others.  I’ll keep you posted on that.

Oh well there was so much drama I never even got to tell you about my blind date…Next week I promise.

Thanks for reading. Iz

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