Magic Elixir

On a Monday morning I feel like it’s always an uphill battle through the coming week trying to lose the weight that I’ve gained over the weekend. Every Monday the same thing and I know as I’ve been told often enough the definition of stupidity is to keep doing the same things and expect a different result. So you’d think by now I would do something different but no not me. Still pigging out and then dieting like a crazy woman through the week and what an eventful week it has been.  It started off just fine, diet going well. Then on Tuesday I found the magic potion to help you lose weight! 

Oh now, I bet I have all your attention right? Well as you all know, ok some of you know, I try not to eat carbs during the day and when I say carbs that’s code for bread. Bread is the wonder food, the food that if I had to choose one carbohydrate to eat for the rest of my life it would be bread. I love it toasted, baked, stuffed, deep fried, dipped it soup… Oh you get the picture I love it! Anyway back to the magic potion. At lunch time you take one activia yogurt any flavor and a fair amount of fresh fruit, any kind. I had melon, strawberry’s, raspberry’s and grapes. Now this is the most important bit of the potion - Do not, I repeat  do not stray too far away from a restroom. I’d recommend your own because when it’s time your backside will explode. I kid you not, you can weigh yourself after and you’ll be at least a pound lighter! Awesome!

On Wednesday thank god I did not have the magic potion for lunch because on Wednesday evening Lesley and I were coming home from work in rush hour traffic. We take our exit off the freeway which thankfully was quite quiet and I pull over to the far right lane, I put my foot on the clutch to change down from fifth to stop and nothing! The gear stick was just freely moving about in my hand! The gear box had gone - oh my god what am I going to do? I know I said it was quiet but not now, now I can see hundreds of irate car owners in my rear view mirror trying to get round me and then I see the police car.  Lesley got out and spoke to the officer meanwhile I’m still sitting in the car with one foot on the clutch and one foot on the brake because I know if I take my foot off the clutch the car will stall. So I call Smug Git and I’m screaming down the phone like an idiot and calmly in his best Smug Git voice he says “All you have to do is switch off the ignition and put on the hand brake” Fuck! Why did I not think of that? Smug bastard!

The police officer comes over to me asks me what seems to be the matter ma’am (no really he did say that) I explained with my fastest panicked Scottish accent all about the gear box after which he kind of dropped his head to the side and gave me a vacant expression. I realized he had no idea what I just said so I slowed down and told him all over again and he told me I would need to get a tow truck and asked me if I wanted him to get me one. I said yes and how long would it take to get a tow truck here? Then poof! He pointed right in front of me and there it was like a mirage right before my eyes all gleaming in the Texas sunshine, my knight in shining armor - Smug Git? No, the lovely tow truck driver. Who hooked up Poppy and took her to the shop.  So now you know why I was lucky I did not have the magic potion for lunch there would have been tears, snot and shit everywhere!

The rest of the week went ok no more dramas and on Friday I decided I would not do as I always do I’d try something different - like not pig out. So needless to say I was in bed by 9:00pm but it paid off I went to weight watchers and lost ½ a pound.  OK so here is where it gets really funny so I’m going to a birthday party that evening and I have to buy a gift. I go to the store and I think - I know I’ll get a nice little cute nightie. I find the cutest one and I think now that I’m no longer a 200 pound woman  I’m going to get one for me too so I pick up a large and head home.  Later when I’m getting ready to go out I think I’ll try the nightie on. I put it over my head and put one arm in. It feels a tad tight but I put the other arm in… Well when I say in I’ve got my right arm up in the air and the nightie is on just over my elbow and I’m stuck in that position - I swear to god I can’t get the stupid nightie off! By now the sweat is running down by back, my face is purple because I’m bent over trying to get it off with the hand that has the sleeve all the way on. Oh no I’m going to have to call Smug Git in to help me. This was supposed to be a surprise for him and believe me he’ll be surprised if he has to come help and sees me like this! I look like I’m trying to escape from a strait jacket, and then I hear a little pop! Oh shit! The stitching is coming away. Right, calm down. Deep breath. I try one more time and thankfully I get it off. I’m not kidding I look at it and think there must be a zipper or buttons that I’ve missed at the back but no there’s not I’m just still fat and I guess in lingerie I’m an extra-large!  

The nightie is now hanging up in the bathroom as a constant reminder and hopefully it will be the motivation to help me get into it with no help from others.  I’ll keep you posted on that.

Oh well there was so much drama I never even got to tell you about my blind date…Next week I promise.

Thanks for reading. Iz

The Liquid Diet

Well its blog 33 and I don’t really have a lot to blog about given that my leg injury is stopping me from doing any exercise and the MS150 is but a distant memory that on an occasion can still bring a wee smile to a sad lonely woman’s face. Oh bloody hell shut up and get on with it… Oh sorry right then. What to write until normal training services resume?

I will tell you about some of the stuff that has happened this week. I think I should start way back at last Friday morning so I go to weight watchers and weigh in and right before my eyes I look at the scales and what do I see - 199.00 lbs.! Hooray I’m no longer a 200 pound woman. I’m hi fiving people and smiling like a Cheshire cat. I’m happy, happy ,happy . I even call Smug Git up and shout down the phone ”Your wife is no longer a 200 lbs. woman!” Ok so I got a bit carried away after all I am only 199 still hang in there with me just give me my moment please because believe me a moment was all I had. After Weight Watchers  I then met the girls for lunch and after that it all goes downhill. However at the restaurant I was very good and righteous, giving out little tit bits of diet advice (oh look at me talking shite again). We eventually left the restaurant and I went back to Amanda’s for a few drinks.  4 hours later and 1 or 4 or 5 drinks later I have the munchies and I feel a binge coming on. I start with some Lays BBQ chips but very quickly they are grabbed away from me and some baby carrot are out in their place. What the hell just happened but you know what I don’t care. I’ll eat those carrots as long as I’m crunching something till dinner is ready I’m good.  And what pray tell was for dinner? What culinary delight had the lovely Amanda slaved over all day? Fish and chips! Oh I know, you are now all a little jealous aren’t you?   Well I wouldn’t be too jealous as it turns out it was more like fish and carbon as she burnt the chips. But I was so hungry I just put them between two slices of bread and smothered them in ketchup and viola saved the dinner yum! But after that I had eaten so much I had to go home and lie down.  When I got up the next morning my stomach still hurt I’m sure it was all the carrots I ate. I’m never eating them again.

Saturday morning I’ve decided not to weigh myself as I’m no longer a 200 pound woman so I don’t need to do that anymore (more like if I do weigh myself I’ll be more than a 200 pounder) so we are not going there.  I decide I’m going to have a good day and stick to my points. I have a very healthy 5 point breakfast and pat myself on the back.  Later in the morning I have to go run some errands and since I’m sticking to my points I think I should eat some lunch at home before we go out and save us from temptation - Amen.  It’s all working out perfectly till we go to wine styles and they offer us a taste of wine. Well you know it’s just plain rude to say no, so we enjoy the wine and decide that maybe we should just have one more glass but as luck would have it (bad luck)the computer system in the shop went down and the guy for some weird reason could not pull himself away from the computer to sell us wine so we left. Smug Git took one look at my face with its big petted lip on and suggested we go to Brix another nice wine bar close by, petted lip off, smile on, happy Izzi.  But wait disaster happened! We get to Brix and it’s bloody shut! What the hell kind of wine bar shuts on a Saturday afternoon? Is this a Texas law I don’t know about? Smug Git to the rescue though he rapidly grabs my hand walks me over to a vacant table in the tapas bar next door and gets me a drinks menu then proceeds to order me one dirty martini. What a nice man. The food menu was on the table so I thought I would have a wee look. What? I’m just looking I’m not ordering anything I’ve just had my healthy lunch oh but the menu looks good and tapas is just small portions what harm could it do if we just has a wee sample plate of cheese? I think that would be ok, I’ll count it in later. The waiter comes over and I’ll have another martini and a cheese plate and the shrimp in garlic and olive oil. Ok ok I know what you’re all thinking but olive oil is healthy. Well the food was delish! Ate every bit of it and then went off to the movies. Never really got any of the errands done but there’s always tomorrow! Later that evening what would you know I’m feeling a tad peckish again so what do we eat?  Burgers and chips followed by lashings of ice cream and chocolate. Day 2 of diet gone to hell. Oh god and I forgot tomorrow is mother’s day.

Mother’s day went off without a hitch. No sons to be seen all day and no messing up with the diet. The rest of the week went ok but I ended it with a weight gain although I’m not quite sure how much because I’ve not mustered up the courage to weigh myself so in my mind I’m still 199 pounds maybe I’ll just stay that weight forever.

Next week I’ll tell you all about my blind date!

50 Shades of Blushing

Week one without Shiny new bike who from this date on will now be known as 4647 (the MS150 bike number) because it can’t really be Shiny New Bike forever right? Well any way he has sat not so happily in the corner of the bed room looking longingly at me and I have not so much as looked in his direction, not even once! Oh ok maybe once or twice but I need to follow all the instructions that my shite physical therapist gave me coz how else I’m I going to get back on 4647. I have ran (bounced) in the pool, used shoulder weights every day and did all the stretching he told me to do. All of one stretch so I’m sure in no time I’ll be good to go? I also have been off work on the sick all week so the leg has been out of action (I’ll clarify that later). However during the week my boss called just to see how I was doing because he is very concerned about my wellbeing and not at all bothered about the lack of staff at work or the amount of cover that’s needed. But it was nice to hear from him. His parting words did make me smile though:

Boss “Hey I hope you don’t come back with a sun tan”

Me “Well my physio has been in the pool”

You know I’m just covering all my bases here and my leg has been up… Ha! up on a sun lounger outside.  What? Shut up! We live in Texas it’s medicinal as was the margaritas! Ok I’m joking about the margaritas but not the rest.  Let’s just say I have a healthy glow.

At the beginning of the week I had a conversation with the orthopedic doctors (Dr Blair) nurse oh she was mad at the physical therapist and called and scheduled 6 appointments for me but me being a bit of a scaredy cat I went to another place and the girl there was great. Lots of stretches and, and back on 4647 for 15 minutes before I stretch twice a day! Woo-hoo! Happy me!

So really that’s my week so here ends my blog.  Well y’all knew it would be dull for the next 6 week till my leg got better. 

But there was one thing I did this week that might interest at least some of you. The rest if you’re not dead can stop reading now.  It’s something very topical and no it’s not the breast feeding mother or Obama’s views on gay marriage they are topics for another time (gotcha) not.  I thought I would give you a wee book review on 50 Shades of Gray by E L James.

Oh where to start? Husbands if you have not bought this book for your wife you are crazy! Go out today and get it as a last minute Mother’s day gift and I know before you say it you’re not her mother give it from the lazy kid who’s too tired to move his ass and get her anything, you will thank yourself in about 2 days if she’s a slow reader or that evening if she reads fast! However she may have to reread a few pages again and again… oh yes, yes….oh… sorry, drifted away there… Back to 50 shades of blushing oh I mean gray.

The plot: Dashingly, hot, handsome, rich young man (husbands remember you’re not reading it just getting the benefit) and beautiful, naïve, just graduated college student… ok, so that really is where the plot ends.  But the book is so hot you will have to put it down to thank your husband for buying it for you and husbands this is where you get the pay back for going out shopping on mother’s day afternoon. 

Men out there you’re welcome! Enjoy

Serious bit…

Ladies if you don’t get this book go get it, its decedent hot fun! 

Farewell old Friend...Till the next time!

It is with great sadness I have to inform you all that, as from Thursday at 1:00pm central time, as the results of a leg injury and the fastest visit to the physical therapist ever I have to go cold turkey. Not from alcohol but from Shiny New (well maybe not so new now) Bike. He has been resigned to the great bike hooks in the garage.  After hours, no weeks, really months of loving that bike I have to hang him up. I feel he has been ripped away from me too soon.  But we did have some good times and some not so good, getting up at 5:00am in the Baltic cold Texas mornings, no alcohol, falling off on numerous occasions, very sore hoo-ha… Actually I don’t remember any good times! Ok well its good riddance to Shiny Bike!  So why am I so sad and depressed? Why does only gin and tequila help? I know the answer to that one - gin and tequila help everything duh!

It has been one of the longest weeks with this bloody leg by Thursday morning I was an emotional wreck I would love to tell you that I’m not eating or sleeping but while I’m not sleeping, the eating… well I think I’d have to pull a muscle in my jaw to stop me doing that even then I’m sure I’d find a way.  Sorry I digress where was I? Oh yes the not sleeping, I’m taking anti-inflammatory’s like they’re smarties, a sleeping pill which is getting me over to sleep but not keeping me asleep. Anyway Smug Git (I’m not sure if I can still call him SG after that lovely piece he wrote about me last week?) tells me I’ve not to go to work Thursday morning but of course I won’t listen to him. I go get Lesley and I’m not in the car 5 minutes and I’m crying like a big girls blouse.  She wants to turn the car round and take me home but no I’m still insisting I go to work. I get to work at about 7:45am meet Beth and start bubbling again. 20 minutes later SG is there and I’m on my way home! Why am I so pig headed? Please don’t all shout out at once.

As I said earlier I get an appointment to go see the physical therapist that day. At 1:00pm I’m in his office. For about 30 minutes he looks at my insurance and informs me that I can have 60 sessions of physio a year so I’m thinking “Yes! This is going to be sorted”, then he gives me the once over, announces it is a biking injury, shows me a couple of stretches, tells me to get off the bike for 6 weeks (oh did I forget to say 6 weeks earlier yeah I’m not off shiny bike forever it just feels like forever) and to do running in the pool and I’m good to go!

Wait what just happened there? That’s it? I’m done? No 60 sessions? No nice bedside manner? So as you can imagine I start crying all over again. He just looks at me like I’m some sort of crazy person, which at this point I feel like some kind of crazy person. I want to punch his face in but I just put on my sunglasses, pick up my handbag and sob all the way out of 24 hour fitness with all these fit sickening people just looking at the crying crazy lady leave. 

I get back home and I’m so mad I won’t answer the phone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. What the hell is running in the pool? Fat lot of good that will do - can you actually run in the pool? After about an hour of feeling sorry for myself and almost having a major binge I held it together and ate my salad and fruit. I thought I might try getting into the pool and doing the water running and truth be told it was ok. Plus Greek Adonis helped me out with some shoulder exercises with weights while I was running, well running is a bit of a stretch of the imagination, it was more like water bouncing. Not a pretty sight but as I said I did feel like I had a bit of a workout and I checked out the points value of running in the pool for 30 minutes and wait for it - you get 7 extra food points the same as riding on Shiny Bike yeah! Now I’m happy! Oh look at me talking about working out like I’m a pro ha! Changed days indeed.

Now what to do next? I don’t really think y’all want to read a blog every week if it’s just about my dull life so I was talking to my friend Kim after one margarita and a few tequila shots (they were for medicinal purposes) and she asked me to do the half marathon and I stupidly said yes! WTF was I thinking? But I can’t start training for 6 weeks till my leg is better so look out for the new running blog. Actually I’m more worried about this than I was riding 150 miles I seriously cannot run between lampposts but you know what,   I’m going to give it as much as I gave the MS150 and the best part is I’m not looking for any money!

I’ll still blog for the next few weeks since I really need your help with the old losing weight thing… Oh and a little update on that. I went back to weight watchers yesterday, I haven’t been there for 4 weeks since the ride and my parents were here, but I have not put on any weight, so still 34 off.  My plan for next week is to get in that pool every day and stick to the food plan 100% and hopefully it will be back to losing weight again.

Serious Bit…

This will probably be my last serious bit but I had to use this time to thank everyone for all the donations and the support I had before and especially during the ride to everyone who sent me texts and Facebook messages during the two days. They meant so much to me and helped me through the ride I could not have done it without you.

Thanks for reading see y’all next week love Iz x